About Littlelost

Littlelost · ‎01-15-2022

Thanks Birdwings It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate. I hope you have some ways to selfcare. I am afraid my daughter currently doesn't want or value any family time. She is either working, sleeping or out with friends. It is like she can't get out the door fast enough. I had a good chat with a friend yesterday and I am going to continue my current method of attempting to connect without being mistreated myself. I am giving her space but texting to check in and will continue to ask her to do things with me. I am no longer on her case about her room I am now just leaving the door closed and she can deal with whatever is going on in there. I am also letting her take care of her own needs as far as washing, fresh linen goes I have shown her how the machine works. I have also advised that as she now has more disposable income than me she can take care of her own phone bills and as she doesn't want to participate in the family sharing feature on Apple she can pay for her own music streaming. I am trying to keep any interactions we have friendly and light and asking her questions about what she is up to, how work is going, does she want to see a movie etc. Other than that I am not sure what I can do.

Littlelost · ‎01-13-2022

Hi @Conker I just wanted to reference this specifically. I have had lots of conversations all throughout her life at age appropriate levels. I recently found out she had drunk alcohol a couple of times. I didn't get upset I just said we all experiment with alcohol and that I had by the time I was her age and told her about the time my drink was spiked and another time I had to fight my way out of the back seat of a car because I was too drunk to realise what would happen if I went with someone to his car. I have told her I would prefer she doesn't drink but I am not going to punish her and she can always call me if she needs to if she has done something she is worried I will get mad about booze, sex, drugs I dont care as long as she is safe she should never be scared to call me. She has gotten back to texting and calling to let me know where she is. I think she lies about getting Ubers and is still using public transport but short of calling her a liar not sure what I can do about that.

Littlelost · ‎01-13-2022

I just want to sincerely thank you all for your input it has been really helpful and I appreciate it. I have taken your advice to focus on connection. It is hard as she spends all day and evening out or in her room and when I ask if she wants to do something (get an ice cream go for a walk etc) she says thanks but no. I would like to have a conversation with her around independence. She craves it and I think it is a good thing to an extent and support it. I am going to persist with giving her the responsibility for her own washing and cleaning. She has a job and a lot of disposable income for a 16 year old. We have always been quite relaxed with her as I have always known ultimatiums or consequences dont work with her. For example she does not have a curfew she just needs to check in with us and if it is after 9pm get an uber home rather than public transport. I have told her I feel she is mature and makes good decisions so I choose to trust her and ask that she simply checks in so I won't worry and so I can sleep and that she can call if she is in need and we will always get her. She has generally been good with this although she does treat the home like a hotel but from now on it won't be coming with complimentary laundry and turn down service. Other than a text exchange (as she prefers this method) where I said it is fine if you don't want to clean your room or assist in the house with any chores but you can't expect to take from the Home when you don't contribute to the home so you will need to take care of your own needs. I have not pressed the issue and focused on having nice interactions where possible but no longer allow myself to be a doormat. I think she was surprised this morning when she had tipped all her washing into the communal laundry basket to find it back in the one in her room. It makes me genuinely sad as I adore her I think she is smart funny intelligent and fund to be around but I get pushing away from me is part of growing up. It is hard to strike a balance of making sure I am there and creating positive moments and not being treated like a slave or a fool. I will keep coming back to this thread as a source of strength when things get tough

Littlelost · ‎01-08-2022

I have a 16 year old daughter who I adore but I am so confused stressed and sad and I am not sure how to move forward. My daughter pretty much does whatever she wants and there is no “currency” for me to work with. I have always been very supportive. Encouraging any activities or interests she has. I haven’t asked for much of her at all. She has generally made good decisions as far as I can tell and attends school and does reasonably well however the last few months have been more concerning. Anytime she is asked to do anything she doesn’t want to do (clean her room dishes in sink) anything it isn’t with defiance and attitude. Recently we had a text war because she didn’t want to clean her room her only chore (she insists on the texting she said she feels more comfortable this way) I have tried to approach her the way she feels most comfortable so using text instead of not communicating at all, asking her to do things with me, trying to make general small talk but she is very dismissive and disrespectful of me however if I ask her to do something at all she acts like I have insulted her. Now she is staying out later and I told her to let me know where she was and not to use public transport after a certain hour. She used to let me know where she was and when she would be home but lately this has stopped and I feel like I am begging for any information. When she decided not to clean her room I told her that if she didn’t want to contribute to the household in anyway then she could not take from the household and would be responsible for her own laundry, streaming services, wifi, mobile etc. she has a job so this doesn’t bother her and she has no problem living in the mess she creates in her room. The one and only thing asked of her now is that she lets us know where she is and how she is getting home and she isn’t doing that and basically just ignores my texts I have no idea how to approach this. I have tried being calm and just asking for a chat but she will only text I have tried telling her I worry and just need to know she is safe that gets an eye roll Unless she wants something she doesn’t speak to me I have no idea how to set or enforce any kind of boundary when there is nothing “in it” for her My 19 year old son never behaved like this so I am at a loss Any advice welcome

Date Registered	‎01-08-2022 11:15 PM
Date Last Visited	‎01-15-2022 10:51 AM
Total Messages Posted	4

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Date Last Visited	‎01-15-2022 10:51 AM

About Littlelost

About Littlelost

About Littlelost

Re: 16 year old daughter doing whatever she wants

Re: 16 year old daughter doing whatever she wants

Re: 16 year old daughter doing whatever she wants

16 year old daughter doing whatever she wants