I know this was posted a few months ago, but just thought I might reply anyway as I definitely have had this experience. I work in the mental health field so it was not a surprise to me as I was aware of their rights around confidentiality, including the limits to that (the practitioner is obligated to break the young person’s confidentiality if they have disclosed anything that suggests any threat to their safety or anyone else’s). So from that perspective I was entirely aware that my son’s case manager couldn’t tell me anything he said without his permission; that didn’t make it easier though, as a parent, when he didn’t want me to be involved. From the outset, when my son asked to seek help for his mental health, I told him that was his safe and confidential space and I would never invade it by asking what he said in his sessions. What I did ask of him, however, was to answer me honestly when I asked if he’s ok. Because ultimately that was really all that mattered- I wanted him to be able to talk things through with someone and get the help he needed, but I remember being a teenager and let’s be honest, they don’t want to tell their parents certain things. Maybe that’s for the best; some things I probably don’t even want to know! I felt rejected in some ways when he wanted to leave me out of things, but I never expressed that to him because I recognised that it wasn’t really his intent; he just wanted to work through things on his own, and some of those things were hard for him to talk about with me, simply because I’m his mum. The best way I could support him was to give him the space he needed, to get the support he wanted and work through it in his own time. The psychologist is obligated to tell you if there are any concerns for your child’s safety, so at least you know that if they’re not telling you anything, then there’s probably nothing that bad to tell. I did get brought into my son’s treatment in the end, because there were some concerns and it needed a bigger response. Even after that though, he would often ask me to wait outside while he spoke to his practitioners, and I would join him when it was ok with him. I had to put my feelings aside and respect his privacy; it was about him, not me, and that was so important for him. I have found that having given him that space, and reassuring him that it’s 100% ok for him to ask for it, he actually opens up to me more and is respectful when I explain to him why it is important for me to know what’s going on with him. One thing I’m finding now is that self care can be quite difficult when you’re supporting a teen with mental health issues. You worry about them 24/7 and it’s absolutely exhausting. I feel sad often, angry sometimes, and honestly just so tired. It can be super frustrating, especially when they don’t communicate that well and you feel like you’re butting heads a lot. I’m looking at getting some support myself so I don’t burn out. I hope things are better with your child now. It is so hard to watch them struggle ... View more

Thank you Hannah for your kind and empathetic response. It is difficult to see him so miserable. At the same time I am trying to help him understand his own role in this - his attitude towards school is pretty bad. Whilst there are factors that aren’t his fault and I feel sorry for him in that, I can also see that his attitude is holding him back. He got in trouble this week because he refused to attend a lunchtime detention he got for something minor and it ended up escalating because he was being defiant and argumentative about it. I have taken a harder stance with that because I won’t tolerate him being disrespectful. Ultimately it’s led to me telling him he’s in the wrong, his attitude sucks and he needs to take some responsibility for his own outcomes. And it led to an after school detention that I made him attend. His school is big on pastoral care and I’m sure he would find them very supportive, but unfortunately he is his own barrier. He tends to put it all under the ‘authority’ umbrella, and doesn’t respond positively to school-based support. I’m trying to make him realise that he’s only hurting himself by doing that; people are there to help him, for him, not for themselves. I think he’s reached that (very familiar if I’m honest) teenage phase where he thinks everyone in a position of authority just lives to ruin his life. It doesn’t really help that his brother, who is one year older, is a model student - top academic performer in his year, scholarship holder and all round star pupil. They have a lot of the same teachers and the feedback they give about the kids is obviously very different. I’m sure that has an impact, although we have never compared the two or expected the same things of them academically; they both have their strengths and get to shine in their own ways. They have a great relationship with each other, they both support each other’s achievements and there is no negativity whatsoever between them about this. The younger one doesn’t express any resentment or anything like that, I just wonder sometimes if he doesn’t try to impress his teachers because he doesn’t think he’ll measure up to the very high standard his brother has set. With regards to music support, there is a program at his school which he engages with. It’s fairly new (the school is less than 10 years old) and not super well established, but we have found the music staff to be very supportive in helping to find opportunities for him in music at school. Thanks again for your support, and I will certainly check out the links in your response. ... View more