Teen lying continuously, how do I stop this?

[Olaf2765]

My 17 year old daughter was a very loving and caring girl, very bright student. We are very open parents. Last year a guy proposed her for dating, she hid it from me. I found out when I checked her phone. I got really upset because I always made sure that she knows we are okay for her to have a boyfriend but she still hid it. I never taught her lying. I was really upset for her lying to me. But then she said sorry and we sorted. I have banned her from social media until her HSC die to excessive screen time. She was okay with it. By then downloaded snapchat and Instagram couple of times without asking. That too I found out when I checked her phone. Then we again had arguments and I made it clear that don’t lie to me. That’s what annoys me most. Come talk to me if you need anything and I will let you do it but please don’t lie. 6 weeks ago she had breakup with her boyfriend. We all were upset and I even cried feeling bad for her. She was sad but pretending to be strong and didn’t cry in front of us. It was not her fault, he left her saying he wants to explore options. A week later I found out through her chats that He cheated on her when they were together and she found out about it but still didn’t do anything. I tried to tell her that cheating is a red flag and she should never let it slide like this in any relationship with any guy. Then again she said that’s why I never tell you anything. And we had arguments as I want her to learn this for future. And ever since childhood I have been teaching them that two things will never be acceptable in a relationship: 1. Cheating 2. Abuse of any kind. But still she didn’t get the point.
Then 3 weeks later I found out she is about to propose her ex-boyfriend’s best friend. She was talking to him since break up but I thought they are just friends and it okay if she is fine and not crying over her ex-boyfriend. This best friend was involved when her ex cheated on her. They both went out with girls together. He didn’t say anything at that time but now after breakup he called and told her that he always wanted to tell her that her ex cheated and lied about it. He touched her soft corner and she started liking him now. And again hid it from me. I banned her for talking to him and made her understand that she is vulnerable at the moment and he is trying to get benefit out of it. Made her understand and she promised she wouldn’t talk to him and blocked him but again Saturday I found her talking to him at night. I again got really angry as lying annoys me to hell. And I loose my temper. But this time I gave her her phone and told her she can do whatever she wants to. And she will learn from her experience. Since last break up she has not been studying at all and she will regret it later as she was very ambitious. Now been 3 days me and hubby are not talking to her and infact she didn’t come to talk as well and neither said sorry.
I don’t want to accept this new boy as I know he is doing all this for fun and she thinks he is a good friend but he will leave her as well. And that will break her even more as she is very sensitive girl. I am telling her to wait till UNI to find a new boyfriend. At least they will have the same aim as her. None of these current boys are interested in studying and he is the one who bought alcohol and gave her to drink on her ex birthday. She hid that also from me.

I am really tired of her continuously lying and not even acknowledging if parents are not talk. I went to talk to her today, she said she doesn’t want to talk about it. Infact she should have been the one to come and say sorry for lying.
Please help how should I fix this problem?

[Astra-RO]

Hi @Olaf2765, welcome to the parents online community and thank you for sharing what's been happening with your daughter.

It sounds like it's been really tough seeing your daughter hide more and more from you as this is such a change from how she used to be. I can see you're really wanting to protect her from being hurt in a relationship, as well as supporting to set her up well for her studies and future, and that's a really positive thing.

At the same time, I can hear you've tried talking with her about this and setting boundaries around her social media use and who she should talk to, but this didn't have the outcome you were hoping for. Now, despite you and your husband not talking to her, her behaviour hasn't changed, and you're wanting to know how to fix the problem. It's really great that you're reaching out for support, as this isn't always an easy thing to do.

Navigating building trust with your teens and responding to risk taking can be a really stressful time. While it's important for teens to begin to develop that sense of independence and have privacy, it can be difficult for parents because they want to protect their teen from harm and ensure the best future for them. It's really understandable then that the response of many parents might be to implement stricter rules or boundaries to protect their teen. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, this may not have the intended effect. Teens can interpret your actions as not trusting them to make their own decisions leading them to withdraw and further hide things from you.

It can be a bit counterintuitive, but allowing your teen to have that privacy and space to make their own decisions, while providing advice on staying safe and being there as a trusted support if they're struggling can be a helpful approach when building trust. Does this approach resonate at all with you? 

Do you have anyone supporting you and your teen through this time? I wanted to share a couple 1:1 professional support services that you might find helpful. ReachOut has a parents and carers coaching service here, and there is also Parentline