Advice please.

[Missymum]

I’m a mum of three and they are my world. My eldest 18 and youngest 8, I have no issues parenting them. My middle child 14 I’m failing. I’m unable to get him to do the things needed for his health. I can’t work out if it’s because I’m lazy, don’t want to argue, nag, or constantly hassle him. We’ve tried, counseling, therapists (together & separate). I’ve asked his medical team for help, advice ect but we (I )don’t follow through. I’m not great with routines and structure as I’m quite spontaneous personality. My other two do what’s required or what I ask without issue. Everyone says I’m such a great mother but I feel like a fraud. I feel I need an accountability couch living with me. I know it’s only going to get worse as he gets older, I know it’s my responsibility to teach him and get him into good habits now, I’ve tried to work on my mother guilt that he will always live with an incurable condition and I know my actions may impact his quality of life in his later years. 

[Nick-RO]

Hi there @Missymum - thanks for joining us here on the ReachOut forums - so happy that you found us!  Thanks also for sharing your story - there was so much in there that hit home for me!

The love and support you have for your family shines through in your post and especially how passionately you want to help your middle son navigate some of the issues in his life.  It seems like there is also a flip-side to this passion and commitment - the unrelenting standards that you are imposing on yourself - and these seem to be leading to guilt and feeling like a fraud whenever you are complemented.   I can totally relate to all the feelings that you are going through - as well as your natural spontaneity!

I was wondering, how do you deal with these feelings when they occur.  Do you have some way of managing these thoughts?  It is so important to practice self-care - are there any techniques that you use when you are thinking this way - is it possible for you to do something positive for yourself to help you recharge?

It was so fascinating that you mention that you need an 'accountability coach' living with you. 

ReachOut provides a free over-the-phone parents coaching service that seems like it might be really useful for you to look into.  The program is really focussed on finding practical solutions that help parents set and stick to their parenting goals and action plans.  I thought this might be a really useful avenue for you to explore.

You can find out more about ReachOut Coaching by clicking on  this link which has some information about the service as well as a short video which explains it all really well.

[Zoesplace]

Hi @Missymum sounds like you are having a hard time finding a way to parent your son that needs routine and structure when you are not naturally that way, and the guilt you are feeling with your sons medical condition.  A lot of mums (including myself) are really good at feeling guilty.  I have many days where I question my parenting, second guess my decisions and feel like a complete fraud too.  However, it sounds like you are being too hard on yourself.  If people think you are a great mother, you probably are a great mother, its just that you are experiencing more challenges raising your middle child. Remember to give yourself a pat-on-the-back once in a while and recognise all the good things you are doing... I am sure you also have lots of wonderful parenting moments.

I recommend the suggestion by @Nick-RO about the Reach Out Parent Coaching.  Seems like it would be really helpful for you. Click on this link for more information about the Parent Coaching.

[Annapenny]

Parenting a middle child is a different ball game. I have resulted to learning psychology to help me with mine. I am learning a lot and it is the only thing helping with my sanity. Happy to chat with you.