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Backward steps

Discussion forum for parents in Australia

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Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: Backward steps

Not quite up to it last night unfortunately. Thanks for the support maybe next week
Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Backward steps

I'm so glad it helped @lizard0812. Sometimes I read things that give me another perspective on things, and they can be so empowering. 

 

See how you go next week, but never any pressure on you to attend. 

 

Be kind to yourself Smiley Happy

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Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: Backward steps

Hey guys here I am again on this rollercoaster ride. It's been a very very difficult few weeks for us. Unfortunately DS has struggled and my mental health has not been good either. When will this get better it's such a hard time I honestly have no idea how to deal with this or the feelings associated with it anymore.
Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Backward steps

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Hey @lizard0812, I'm so sorry to hear you've having a hard run of it, and am glad you've come back for support when you need it. I find myself wishing that I could deal with the struggles we face without the emotion - it would make things SO much easier and better for us I think. Cutting off that emotion is really difficult and at times so overwhelming it feels impossible to get away from it. Stress, worry, fear, concern, anxiety, wishing we were like other 'normal' families (so I guess self pity), anger, frustration, insecurity around parenting are just some of the things that get to me. 

 

I find talking to a trusted, understanding and compassionate ear helps. Sounds gross and sometimes isn't pretty, but having a word vomit really eases the weight. Get all those thoughts and words out there, especially the ones you feel guilty about having. Having a good cry is always soothing too. 

 

I may have mentioned it before, but have you looked at the coaching for parents that ReachOut offers? It's awesome and could help you with some strategies that you can implement right away. Check out the link here. ReachOut is also running an info session this week through the Wednesday Wrap about the coaching. The link for that is here, and if you can't make it you can still submit questions that will be answered for you to come back and read when you can. 

 

Be kind to yourself. These are really hard times you're going through and we know what a loving mum you are. It's completely understandable to feel the way you do, and I understand that feeling of wondering how much longer you can manage. But you will get through it with support and love. My darkest days when I feel I've got nothing left, I look back - history shows me I will get through, and I remind myself that this will be no different. 

Hugs.  

Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: Backward steps

Hi taokat thanks so much for the reply I wish I could take the emotion out of it then It might be easier to deal with. I have every emotion that you mention. My heart just aches for my little boy. I also think if it’s this hard for me to cope with how does a 12 year old cope. Just today again instead of listening to his side I just exploded so he shut down I ended finding out his version which he was trying to tell me was actually correct so again he believes nobody ever listens or wants to hear his side I’m very guilty of that. I need to be really strong for both my kids but at present it is proving near impossible. I’m just surviving myself at this time I don’t have the energy or the clear head to do it anymore. My kids are my world but honestly I think at the moment they would be better off away from me or me from them. I do feel angry and sad and bitter and self pity I feel it’s all too much. My head aches my heart aches my body and mind are exhausted. At the same time I’m holding down somehow a demanding job and dealing with a tough property settlement. I thank you for advise on coaching I have had booking and cancelled it twice I just get so overwhelmed. I Appreciate the support I just feel people get sick of hearing about it so I don’t talk about it to friends although they know I’m not in a good place they don’t push anymore. Tomorrow is a new day hope it brings joy to all 😀
Star contributor
Breez-RO

Re: Backward steps

Hey there @lizard0812 my heart is with you. You're so self aware and I really want to thank you for sharing your current peaks and troughs with us around your son and managing your own wellbeing. It definitely is a lot to be the ultimate mentor for these adolescent's and kids, and nobody is perfect. Kids love honesty. When you do get angry - is it possible to say "I make mistakes. I apologise. I am here for you but even parent's are imperfect". Or something along these lines?

 

We're always here to listen. No rush on RO parents coaching but the option is always there for you. 

 

How is your own self care at the moment?

Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Backward steps

My heart really goes out to you too @lizard0812. It's such an awful place to be when you're thinking your kids are better off somewhere else, and I remember it well. I was so lucky to have a marvellous case worker from The Benevolent Society who worked with me for 2 years, and she kept me going through these times. I really recommend giving them a call and seeing what supports they can offer you. Google them in your area and it'll give you their number. 

 

With a big hug I'll let you know that your kids are way better off with you. You have a lot on your plate, and a lot of hard, exhausting stuff. You're running on empty, and none of us can parent at our best when we've got nothing to give. External stressors take from the empty tank too. Is there anyway you can get any respite? Do you have friends or family who can take the kids for a weekend to give you some time out? 

 

I agree with all @Breez-RO said. I've found that apologising when I get it wrong does amazing things. It's okay for our kids to see we are human, that we struggle too. I've just come through a difficult time and I let my daughter know I'm sorry for yelling, I'm sorry I've been impatient with her, and that is has to with me not her. 

 

I get to the point where I stop talking to friends and family too because I feel people get sick of listening when things aren't getting better. It only adds to the stress and I really hope you'll continue to share with us, because you're with parents who have been through similar experiences and who really understand the rollercoaster and the lows. 

 

Thinking of you.

Prolific scribe
lizard0812

Re: Backward steps

Yep your right it’s a horrible place to be. I would rather be well away than where I am at the moment. I hate it. I hate what I do to my kids I hate how I treat and react towards them. My life is a mess. I feel emotionally done. Yep I have a lot going on but so do others. I can’t cope but they can that’s the difference. I had many many friends but it’s all too hard for them now. I am so supportive to others whenever needed no questions asked. I appreciate all your suport I know you guys have your own tough stuff going on but it does mean a lot to have the support even though it’s via computer.
Super star contributor
taokat

Re: Backward steps

I can hear the level of distress you're in @lizard0812, and my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you're here for support. I know it's the worst feeling in the world when we're hating how we're parenting, but we're doing the best we can at that time. With my daughter, I was the same. And I had the same thoughts as you too - I'm empty, I've got nothing, everyone else is coping, why can't I? And I beat myself up and called myself names. 

 

When I was like that, I finally decided I needed to get myself some professional help. Something had to give, life was unbearable. I was taken to my local hospital and it was the beginning of our story around the fabulous people and services we've had help from over the years. Would seeking some counselling be something you'd consider?

 

I'm so so sorry your friends aren't being more understanding and supportive. I think unless people have experienced similar, they just don't get it unfortunately. It hurts when what you give out isn't returned. I came to the conclusion that friends walk away because they can't cope with the struggle - you're coping with it every day, which shows how strong you are. But we're human, and it's not realisitic to expect anyone to keep running on empty. Be kind to yourself. Something really big I'm trying to do is ask myself "would I say that to my best friend?". If the answer's no, then it's not okay to say to myself either. We judge ourselves way to harshly sometimes. 

 

I really hope you've been able to get some time for yourself this weekend and have a bit of a breather.

 

 

 

 

Star contributor
Breez-RO

Re: Backward steps

Hey @lizard0812 how are you feeling at the moment? As above with @taokat I think professional support is so incredibly helpful and amazing. I see a therapist regularly and it's just awesome - really keeps my mind in check. The mind as much as any other human organ needs to be checked in on and looked after.

 

When you say  "I am so supportive to others whenever needed no questions asked." I can't help but feel that - of course you are drained and at times feel you're hard on the kids. It sounds like you are the listener, a great resource to other people. And in turn, you're worn out, carrying the load. Perhaps even for some they don't know what to do when you want help, because they didn't realise how heavy some of the things you are going through are. Please don't be hard on yourself, you're right lots of people have difficult journey's but there is no hierarchy when it comes to mental wellbeing. We're all here for you Heart

What were your thoughts on seeking out professional help?