Concerned about my 7 year old daughter

[megafort]

Hello and thank you in advance for reading this.

Me and my wife have a serious concern at this point in my daughter's life. She is 7 and a half years old. We did get the sense that she is interested in bondage and tied-up situations before, until recently she came to her mother and (after asking if it is okay to tell her something) told her that some thought create a strange sensation in her private parts. When asked to give an example, she mentioned a man with tied up hands. She also seems to enjoy tying other people's hands and feet when she is playing around, focusing on a police-thief scenario usually.

I have two questions:

1. Is this kind of behavior normal? especially the sensation (clearly a kind of arousal) in her genitals?

2. How should we react? Should we even react at all?

Thank you so much in advance.

p.s. Me and my wife both have bondage fetish and we practice it almost always in our sex sessions, but we've never been seen by my daughter.

[Janine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @megafort , 

Thanks so much for posting here, I know these issues can be pretty tricky to know how to approach as a parent.

I'm hearing that there are a few things that are concerning you. In terms of your daughter describing a sensation of arousal in her genitals, that's a completely normal and common thing for young children to describe. A lot of behaviour  that adults may consider sexual can be developmentally totally normal for kids- including exploring their own bodies or describing the sensation of arousal. This resource is a really excellent run down of behaviours that are normal and not something to be concerned about, compared to other behaviours that may be harmful or a cause for concern.

This article talks specifically about sexual behaviour in school aged children, around the same age that your daughter is. At this age, role play type activities are really common, and scenarios that you describe like tying up people's hands and feet and playing around in a police-thief scenario may well be a part of natural role playing/ make believe activities that are really common and healthy in this age group. For a 7 year old, this may not be related to the more adult concept of bondage. 

The second article I've linked to has some really good suggestions for how to approach sexual behaviour which I thought was worth listing here,  as they outline the approach that's right for you depends on the values you have as a family. 

How to respond to typical sexual behaviour in school-age children

How you react to sexual behaviour is important, but your approach depends on your values. Some parents are happy with this type of behaviour, and others aren’t.

The most important thing is to stay calm, no matter how you plan to respond.

You can use sexual behaviour as an opportunity to help your child learn. You could ask your child if he has any questions about bodies and relationships and then talk with him about what behaviour is OK in different situations. For example, you could say that behaving respectfully means not touching other people’s genitals or using sexual language that makes them uncomfortable.

You could also read books about bodies, relationships, puberty and personal safety with your child.

If you want your child to stop the sexual behaviour, calmly suggest another activity. For example, if your child is playing ‘You show me yours, I’ll show you mine’, you could say, ‘Come to the kitchen both of you. You can have some fruit and a drink, and then we’ll play a different game’.

You could talk to your child later about what behaviour is OK in your home and what behaviour is OK in front of other children, parents or teachers. For example, you could explain that although you’re OK with your child playing without clothes on at home, it’s not OK when other people can see her.

Do you have any concerns about whether your daughter has been exposed to inappropriate material or behaviour at all, or other concerns about her behaviour? If you do have any concerns, you can always raise it with your child's doctor or a counsellor - unfortunately we are based in Australia so the suggestions in the articles I've posted won't be available for you I'm sorry. 

[Janine-RO · Accepted solution]

Hi @megafort , 

Thanks so much for posting here, I know these issues can be pretty tricky to know how to approach as a parent.

I'm hearing that there are a few things that are concerning you. In terms of your daughter describing a sensation of arousal in her genitals, that's a completely normal and common thing for young children to describe. A lot of behaviour  that adults may consider sexual can be developmentally totally normal for kids- including exploring their own bodies or describing the sensation of arousal. This resource is a really excellent run down of behaviours that are normal and not something to be concerned about, compared to other behaviours that may be harmful or a cause for concern.

This article talks specifically about sexual behaviour in school aged children, around the same age that your daughter is. At this age, role play type activities are really common, and scenarios that you describe like tying up people's hands and feet and playing around in a police-thief scenario may well be a part of natural role playing/ make believe activities that are really common and healthy in this age group. For a 7 year old, this may not be related to the more adult concept of bondage. 

The second article I've linked to has some really good suggestions for how to approach sexual behaviour which I thought was worth listing here,  as they outline the approach that's right for you depends on the values you have as a family. 

How to respond to typical sexual behaviour in school-age children

How you react to sexual behaviour is important, but your approach depends on your values. Some parents are happy with this type of behaviour, and others aren’t.

The most important thing is to stay calm, no matter how you plan to respond.

You can use sexual behaviour as an opportunity to help your child learn. You could ask your child if he has any questions about bodies and relationships and then talk with him about what behaviour is OK in different situations. For example, you could say that behaving respectfully means not touching other people’s genitals or using sexual language that makes them uncomfortable.

You could also read books about bodies, relationships, puberty and personal safety with your child.

If you want your child to stop the sexual behaviour, calmly suggest another activity. For example, if your child is playing ‘You show me yours, I’ll show you mine’, you could say, ‘Come to the kitchen both of you. You can have some fruit and a drink, and then we’ll play a different game’.

You could talk to your child later about what behaviour is OK in your home and what behaviour is OK in front of other children, parents or teachers. For example, you could explain that although you’re OK with your child playing without clothes on at home, it’s not OK when other people can see her.

Do you have any concerns about whether your daughter has been exposed to inappropriate material or behaviour at all, or other concerns about her behaviour? If you do have any concerns, you can always raise it with your child's doctor or a counsellor - unfortunately we are based in Australia so the suggestions in the articles I've posted won't be available for you I'm sorry. 

[megafort]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the help.

It really put my mind at ease. About a point you asked about, I can say I'm 99% sure my daughter hasn't experienced any abuse and has never been exposed to pornography or (visually) to an actual act of intercourse.

My conclusion from your words and the helpful articles you kindly mentioned is that I don't need to worry. She hardly exhibits even the normal kinds of behavior such as touching her genitals frequently. What really worried me was the 'sensation' she talked about in her genitals, which now I know is normal and no cause for concern.

Once again, thank you so much for the help.