Hi there @kcsmum kcsmum , your story sounds very familiar to me. My family has been through the same with our sone who is now 16.5. He's been to three different high schools, barely even bothering to attend the last one preferring to spend his time 'sucking on a bong' and doing goodness knows how many other drugs. In the end he didn't live at home, ended up in detention for the entire summer break, only to repeat the detention experience a few short weeks after his release.
In the end, we were at the point of walk away or flip the situation. Tempting as it was to just Wal;k away, we could never have recovered from that, so we sought help to flip the scenario. The big stick approach hadn't work, we were desperate for a new idea. We came across a US based counsellor who gave us some new 'scripts' to try. Basically, it went along the lines of saying, "We are sorry we haven't been the parents you needed over the past three years. We reacted in the only way we knew to the situations we found ourselves in. We realise now that you didn't need those responses from us. We are sorry, so very sorry you now find yourself in this situation...homeless, dealing with drug withdrawal, and in detention. We are so sorry. When you think there is something we can do to help you, please tell us. Remember what we are like, sometimes we will need a day to think things over, but we will listen, we are ready to listen, and to see how we can help."
Amazingly, this approach worked. It took a few weeks and a second major incident, but the dialogue changed between us and our son. We actually began to have a dialogue that wasn't all abuse from him, and angry reaction from us. Don't think it was easy to say we are sorry...it took a while to get over the notion/feeling that he was to blame for his predicament. But, we put those emotions aside, and put our energy into no more judgemental remarks, listening instead....and putting ourselves in a vulnerable position by revealing things that had gone wrong for us at different times in our lives as we passed from adolescence to adulthood. Incredibly, he appreciated these stories, and many times asked why he had never been told those things..."you were just a kid until recently, son, you didn't need to hear these things."
Now our son has made the big decision to leave all the bad influences he was mixing with, and with our support has moved well away. He's had to be resourceful, and find a new place to live - on his own- and access support to pay his rent - and find something to study. He's gotten himself clean, and made a break with the influences of his old circle of friends. He's pursued some cafe training, and is planning to look for work.
He is in regular, daily contact with us, and knows he can ask us for support. We discuss what it is he needs, and how we can help. The change in him has been astonishing. to receive text messages that now have sparkly heart emojis instead of F*** You C*** is kinda hard to get used to! Especially when that is the level of abuse we've had for years! He still has a lot to manage with living independently, studying again after barely attending school for 2 1/2 years, and also looking for a job to support himself. I tell him I worry about the 'mum stuff'; is he eating properly, etc. He sends me his supermarket receipts to show me he's buying fruit and veg!
So, believe me, I know what you are going through. I've been there, and it makes me nervous to think it could easily happen again...I have just have to maintain a different approach. If you are finding the big stick isn't working...think about whether you are willing to try a different approach. Can you be vulnerable, can you just acknowledge that what he's going through must be tough, that you are there if he finds himself in a difficult situation. You know it's normal to want to experiment, but if he ever finds himself in a situation where he feels there is no control anymore, he can call you, and without any comment you will come get him...
I know this sounds like La La Land! But just maybe it will help. We were honest and said we would not involve ourselves in any conversations that became abusive, but, if he wanted to talk, we would listen. We wouldn't offer advice unless he asked. And we wouldn't say he should do this or that, but rather we presented ideas and options...
I wish you well and I hope our experience is of some assurance to you that there can be changes and an end to the heartbreak.
