Depressed 16 year old son and aggression

[cryingmum18]

Hi,

I have been dealing with an ongoing aggressive teenage son who finds any excuse in the world to tell us how much he hates his parents.

He is always online gaming with his friends. The family computer is always occupied by him, He has a smart phone which he takes to bed with him. He games till midnight every night. 

He is good with his studies only if he wants to . My husband and i cant say anything to him unless he wants us to to which is rare.

He clearly told us how much he hates us and the only thing he wants from us his money, food, clothes and any thing that he needs to survive. We go above and beyond to get him what he wants.

His survival instinct makes him very selfish and he told us he doesn't care if we live or die. He thinks that he has it tough and we are cruising along in life with no worries in life. We are viewed as a bank to fulfill his needs.

He gets very aggressive if we try to have a decent conversation with him. If we tell him why something is good for him- he processes things like a robot.

He hates his 8 year old brother- will never talk to him.

Abuses us by swearing and shows no respect what so ever to us. He hates his culture, religion and community. He thinks that it is all a disgrace.

He attempted suicide once and we took him to a psychologist and he does not want to go back. I don't know how to help him. He is depressed and uses that as an excuse for his behavior. He threatens me that he has more rights as a child and as parent i am helpless. I m fearful of living in the same house with him.

His aggression is just unbelievable . he never goes anywhere, doesn't like to meet people.he does no chores in the house.

Sometimes i feel that all sense of feeling emotional or seeing anyone in pain is lost on him.

Please provide me with some suggestions- it was good to read other parents views and what they are going through.It gives me comfort that i am not the only one.

[Erin-RO]

This sounds like a really difficult situation to manage @cryingmum18. It sounds like you're trying your very best to support your son, but I'm wondering if perhaps it might be worth seeking some support for yourself, if you haven't already?

That way a psychologist or counsellor can not only support you through this emotionally but could also help to empower you with the knowledge and the skills to try to manage his behaviour.

[cryingmum18]

Thanks @Erin-RO for the reply. I am going to get counselling for my husband and I.

i am struggling to understand what makes him think so negatively. We are educated parents trying to guide our children to focus in life and achieve their dreams. Drop of a hat we get him what he needs or wants off us. He thinks that he is the only one time bound but has no respect for anyone else. We don’t put any unreasonable expectations on him. We give him freedom to do what he wants to. At the moment he is not talking to me at all. Speaks to his dad in text messages. 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @cryingmum18,

It is good to hear that you are going to seek the support of a counsellor with your husband. I hope that this can be a helpful experience for you both 

You mentioned that you also have an 8 year old son. How is he managing with his brother's behaviours?

I can hear from your posts how tough this situation has been on your family- particularly when your son is not open to seeking professional supports at the moment You mentioned your son isn't talking at home much, do you know if there are ant other people in his life he is speaking to at the moment?

[cryingmum18]

Hi 

@Jess1-RO

My eight year old is a fun loving social person and he hates the tense situation at home and the aggressive behaviour of his brother. He asked me why his brother hated him so much. 

I talk to my little son a lot and get him to share everything with me. He is very conscious of what he does and tells me all the time how much he loves his parents. He is very opinionated and speaks his mind and we encourage that but remind him that having an opinion does not mean that he can be rude.

My older son tells me he hates people. He hates everyone who does not have a rational way of thinking. He told me he wonders how I got a job because according to him I don’t deserve anything I have achieved in life. He only talks to his gaming friends and he has ver clearly told me not to ever talk to him. He will text me if he needs money.

He looks down on people who have an opinion on anything or try to talk to him and reason with him. 

Sometimes he says he hates being unhappy but if I suggest any ways to help. He tells me he doesn’t want to get out of feeling that way. He contradicts his own statements and gets agitated if further discussion happens.

[Faob_1]

Hi there, I have had some similar behaviours over the past year from my son. How you tackle this really depends on the support you have from your partner, how much support you have away from home, and how resolved you are to turning this situation around. 

You can start by withdrawing privileges. Don’t get him what he wants. Don’t enable the behaviour by providing wifi 24/7, or for however many hours it’s available in your home. Don’t pay his phone bill next month.  Make him earn these privileges, as that is what they are, not rights. It will earn you some anger no doubt, but trying to establish boundaries in your home around acceptable behaviour is essential, and that is your right, and job, as a parent. 

Do not accept verbal abuse from your child. Nobody deserves that. Do not respond with it. Don’t lower yourself. If he says something to you that’s rude, ask him as calmly as you can to repeat what he said minus the abuse. This is your home. You work to provide him with food and shelter, if he doesn’t like what you provide, he can live elsewhere and learn to support himself.  

I wonder what has triggered the behaviour. Can you put your finger on something, or do you think it’s part of the gaming subculture he has absorbed?  If so, then a reminder that in the real world people don’t function that way and he needs to separate the two.  

I would really hate to see this abuse escalate as it did in our home and our son has not lived at home for 9 months now as we refused to,live with his verbal and physical abuse.  It’s been tough, I won’t lie, and miss our son daily. However, in our case, we were out of strategies to cope and try to resolve the issues we were presented with and a physical distance was essential. We are no closer to resolving anything and I don’t wish the same scenario on anyone. 

We did hold regulakr family family meetings using a talking stick, which did help with communication for a short time. 

But remind him as as many times as you want that when he works and can provide the essentials for himself, then he may live as he chooses. Until then, he is under your care, your roof and therefore your rules. 

Good luck.

[cryingmum18]

Hi @Faob_1
Thanks for the great reply, it makes me feel a bit better that my husband and I are on the right track. I have to control my emotions and speak firmly but politely when reminding him. The sad thing is that he treats everything as a right because we gave birth to him and he has only seen good things in life and doesn’t understand how lucky he is to get everything he gets. When we remind him about behaviour and aggression he gets really agitated but I will keep trying. At the moment talking is via text messages.
It’s sad to hear what happened with your son. I wish children these days appreciated things in life and valued what their parents are doing for them.
Thanks again for you response.

[Fred-RO]

@cryingmum18 what a painful, and difficult situation Sounds like you are doing everything you can, and doing an amazing job.

Did you manage to arrange a counsellor for you and your partner? As @Erin-RO said, its so important you get lots of support. 

Let us know how you're tracking this week, we're here to listen 

[Faob_1]

Hi . I’m so glad you are going to see a counsellor. That’s a great first step, but remember if you don’t like the one you see, shop around. Sometimes you need someone to click with . I can’t stress enough how important it is to not enable his behaviour towards you. This sense of entitlement some kids have beggars belief, and it’s a hard slog to make kids realise work begets pleasures, not the other way around. Our son has been couch surfing with people who rely on benefits and he constantly tells them how good his life at home was, and they cannot fathom why he’s rejected it. I believe he thought taking home like dirt and moving out would be fun. He’s now in so much trouble with the police it’s not much fun anymore! Anyway...I completely understand how draining it is living with those behaviours, but your son is old enough now to,look after himself for the basics. Please stop enabling him, make him function with some basic life skills, and see how that goes.
I wish you well. It’s a tough journey.

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @cryingmum18,

How are you going this week? We would love to hear how you have been