Friendship

[kiddos]

My family and I moved three times since the kids were born (different countries and states). Two years ago we bought a house. Our kids were never able to make solid friendships. (One is 12 e the other, 9). How can I help them finding friends and make it become a strong relationship?

[Pho-RO]

Hey @kiddos glad to have you here with us. Can be so hard to feel unable to help your kids develop meaningful relationships. Perhaps your kids are struggling to feel settled? We have a bundle of resources that you (and your kids) could read through to help in this area, check them out:

• Making Friends - Can parents help?
• How to make friends at school
• A gazillion ways to make new friends

Getting the support of a school counsellor could also be helpful, as well as chatting to your kids about what is going on for them, where their struggles are, stuff like that. 

Let us know if there's further support or resources we could potentially provide 

[Portia_RO]

Hi @kiddos , I just wanted to jump in here and say that it's wonderful to see that you want to help your kids to make some lasting friendships now that you've bought a house and been able to settle in one area. I can definitely understand why moving around might have made it difficult for your kids to hold onto friendships, but it sounds like this might be a great opportunity for them to have a fresh start and begin cultivating some strong friendships.

You mentioned that both of your children have struggled with making friends - have either of them been able to create any new relationships since you've settled in one spot? It can be tough being the new kid, but I would highly recommend that you check out the resources @Pho-RO has recommended as this might be a good starting point for discussing with your kids what they find difficult about making friends and how moving around has impacted their ability to hold onto friendships.

As for supporting them as a parent, getting them involved in extracurricular group activities like sports teams, bands, or social groups can be really a really helpful way to encourage your kids to make new friends. Having a set activity to complete, like rehearsing for a performance or playing a game, can reduce the anxiety kids might feel around making small talk and knowing what to say to other young people. It also means that they will have an opportunity to see and interact with the same kids on a regular basis and share in a common interest. Do your kids have any hobbies or interests they might be able to explore?

Having a safe place to land at home can also be incredibly important if your kids are feeling isolated at school or struggling to make friends. It sounds as though you're very in touch with how your kids are feeling and that you're doing everything you can to be there for them, so I'm sure that this support will go a long way in making them feel heard and connected at home.

All the best @kiddos, please feel free to keep us updated on how things are going. 

[kiddos]

They both do extra curricular activities and yet, the connection doesn't happen....
We've done several playdates, and during the playdates they have fun with the other kids... But that's it.... They are never invited to other kids houses and barely ever to birthday parties.
Last year one girl came out of 8 that were invited to my daughter's bday party 😟.
I feel that my kids are lacking emotional intelligence and I've been wondering how to work on that. Any suggestions?
Also regarding my daughter.... She seems to be extremely lazy to do any physical effort. My husband is extremely harsh on her and doesn't measure his words - which makes everything worse.

Thank you so much for all your answers and willingness to help

[Blake-RO]

Hey @kiddos 

Thank you for sharing more about your situation with us.

It's good to hear that your children have been doing extra curricular activities and it sounds like from the playdates that you've been trying really hard to help them create these friendships and connections.

As our service focuses on adolescents, we may not have the best resources for you however it may be worth speaking to a GP or local family doctor for some support and to discuss any concerns you may be having, including the concerns you raised about your daughter lacking motivation.

It may also be helpful to discuss this with the school and with your children's teachers to see if they have noticed anything and to explore what's going on at school. Is this something you would consider?

I also know that you mentioned that you've been wanting to work on emotional intelligence with your children. We have this article about emotional intelligence, however given that our service is aimed at teenagers, some of this may not be appropriate but might be helpful as a guide for next steps.