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Help with adult child

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Help with adult child

Really need some advice , my husband and I have a 35year old daughter who has a partner and a baby on the way .

my husband and I are recently  retired and in our middle 60,s . We have a property portfolio which is struggling what with the current state of the world. We lent our daughter and her partner a large sum of money  over a year ago to help them buy a property to rent out ( they own their own house) we are paying tax on the money as we took it out of the business. But now due to the fact that the business is struggling we have asked for some of the money back since they haven’t spent it to help us out . We also employed our daughter to help with the running of the properties and paid her, but it was just to help them out over the lock downs etc , it was never a permanent thing. But again because of the situation we find our selves in we have had to stop this . My daughter is NOT happy and is really giving us a hard time about this . We feel we have been very fair with her helped pay her through university , even gave her money to start up and buy equipment for her photography business which we never asked for back . But it makes me so sad to see how she’s reacting about all this . I find me and my husband are falling out about it , I just struggle with the timing since she is 6 months pregnant. What do you think should I appeal again to my husband to hold off  or should I just tell my daughter I’m sorry but we have to look after our retirement funds ??? Any advice at this stage would be really helpful even to help me sleep again at night!! Thank you for reading ...  

Frequent scribe

Re: Help with adult child

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Thank you for sharing this with us @Parents4ever 


It sounds like what you are going through is very difficult at the moment and we're glad that you can talk about it here. I am sorry to hear that your daughter seems to be reacting negatively to your requests. It seems like you have been very supportive of her in the past and that she does not seem to recognise your efforts. It's a hard position for you to be in right now, considering your financial situation, relationship, and your daughter's pregnancy.


It is possible that she does not understand the gravity of your situation and that your request is not reflective of your care for her. I was wondering if you could try talking more with your daughter, perhaps from a different angle. Another option could be to get support from a mediator. This is where a trained, neutral third party can help you both problem-solve together to find a solution. Some more information about mediation and how to access it can be found here.

I also want to check in and make sure that you are also supporting yourself during this difficult time. Do you have any supports for yourself? (e.g. friends, other family or professional support). If you would like other supports, I would recommend calling one of these helplines for mental health help.

Casual scribe

Re: Help with adult child

Hello I’ve been where you are it’s very difficult but you must think of yourself and your husband and the quality of your twilight years be kind to yourselves no more giving away of your retirement monies as this enables our adult children and causes problems for us take care