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How do I best support my daughter with the knowledge her father doesn't love her?

How do I best support my daughter with the knowledge her father doesn't love her?

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Prolific scribe
Schooner

Re: How do I best support my daughter with the knowledge her father doesn't love her?

Hi @taokat,

I see you supporting people on these forums all the time, including me. It is clear you are a good mum and person, so it is particularly sad to hear about your daughter and ex.

 

I firmly believe that girls need a good male role model. Your ex is a bad role model, so I hope there is a male in your daughter's life that is better than him. In some ways she is better off without him, although I understand that the pull of our parents can be impossible to resist.

 

It is curious that he is offended by not getting the "Dad" title. I wonder if in his mind he thinks he deserves that respect, maybe on some level he wants to be a Dad. It seems clear he wants to hurt you, and will use her as a way of doing that.

 

Many kids would blame themselves for the situation, so I'd try to make it clear to her that it is in no way her fault. That knowledge must knock her self esteem right down. Is there any chance you can just tell him straight? "You don't need to hang around much, but can you tell your daughter that it is not her fault that you are not with her". Chances are he will blame you, but I'm guessing you would take a little more abuse if it meant putting your daughter's mind at rest. 

 

Stick at it Taokat, and give your girl a big hug

Cheers

 

Parent Peer Supporter
taokat

Re: How do I best support my daughter with the knowledge her father doesn't love her?

Thank you @Lily17 and @Schooner for your supportive replies.

 

You know, the more I hear, the more I realise how many parents out there don't put the care of their kids first. For my daughter, knowing she's not the only one to have experienced her father not being around etc, has been somewhat reassuring for her.

 

For me, it really makes me aware that every parent on this forum is an amazingly awesome parent. We've all made mistakes I'm sure, but we all love our kids enough to reach out, to learn and to try something different if what we're doing isn't working. 

 

@Lily17 you've had such a hard time and I really appreciate you sharing. Your words remind me that it's such a good thing that my daughter is talking and in doing so, processing. Even if it's negative talk about herself, better the words are moving where they can be flicked off, instead of sitting and becoming embedded in her mind and body. I hope over the years you've found friends you call family. It's so sad knowing family can be who hurt you most.

 

Any excuse to give a hug @Schooner! Not that I need a reason! Thank you for your kind words. I agree that her dad isn't a good role model, and I'm grateful that we haven't 15 straight years of him in and out of her life. I think that situation would've been much harder on her. It does rock her. She met him in Nov 2015 for the first time and basically hasn't been back to school since and has been in isolation. I won't put all that on him as she's has mental health issues, but it was the beam that pulled the whole building down!

 

I so wish he could understand. I've tried explaining to him after it all blew up last time, but unfortunately he can't hear anything I say. You're right, if I thought he might say that to her, and she'd accept it, I would definitely take whatever was thrown my way. I guess my philosophy is 'actions speak louder than words', and she picked that up along the way - and she's often way better at implementing it than I am! I can do the bit about telling her it's about him and nothing wrong with her though Smiley Happy

 

Thanks for your support guys.

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