@Jo-AnneI understand the situation you are all in.
I have a special needs teen T2 who has been having these issues since she was 5 - these kids start early! She did the drawings, told us how much she hated us, how she wanted to kill herself and description of what she was going to use..
To me those kids we see going through this stuff are just a bit bigger than toddlers but their behaviour is pretty much the same (screaming etc) and yet we expect them to be adults and communicate at the correct level but they are emotionally yrs behind and therefor hate us, wanna leave, we are stupid, know nothing, don't care, don't love .. teens like toddlers are unable to identify - communicate to us their feelings emotions etc.
A few wks ago T2 said to me, Mum I can see what I want to say in my head and I always could, but I just couldn't get the words out. and still can't except via screaming.
We have had to remove things out of her way and it's usually around bullying, low confidence, having a smart twin sister.
It does take a lot of time to gel with a psych and there are many types of meds that she could try. Special needs parents start experiencing with meds with their kids as young as 3 but not everything works for everyone so you just have to persevere until you get the outcome you and your family deserve.
Sometimes just asking them what they want IE the influential friend who is obviously giving her the teen attention (they are their rocks, not us) she so badly wants good or bad is irrelevant, but control and choices can be a major benefit, no doubt she feels extremely out of control, misunderstood, etc. Have you met this friend of hers?
The jealousy thing is very normal for siblings as we all know and moreso when a sibling has MH issues.
They will always blame us - until they have children of their own and realise that omg we do know something.
I have learned that we worry about them far to much, it takes over our lives and we lose yrs of our own independence because they are driving us insane. I also learnt to cry in front of my daughters loud and long they need to know it is normal and not something to be hidden away. They get toilet paper rather then tissues tell me it lasts longer!!
Like my teens, I wear headphones with a super blaster - they do their fall apart screaming and I nod whilst I listen to my fav music and try to book massages to reduce the noise they create in my head.
It is hard but they do love us and they do hate us! if you break down the word hate sad, upset etc that is what they are really telling you when screaming.
Do you have any animals?
Reading special needs families information they are also a very good reference in dealing with our teens and the measures and supports they put in place for their toddlers up. I can honestly tell you all of us have said we hate our kids at any given time. (often hourly) We actually hate their dx and often feel so useless. But we have the strength of steel and when we are old and have memory loss everything will be great. Keep breathing you are doing a great job try not to forget!
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You have a lot of red flags about this relationship which of course is all violence - financial, emotional etc. He is what we do call a perpetrator of the worst variety. There are a few things that you can do - first of all breathe.. You do not state your girls age but she is old enough to make her own decisions whether they are right or wrong. As a parent its very difficult and distressing to watch our kids make these mistakes but they aren't ours to claim, merely to watch (we really want to save them from hurt) listen and be there when the cloud falls from the sky. Obviously she trusts you, but in family violence sometimes you need to stand back and admit you cannot be available for this obviously distressing conversation. There are many places YOU can go to talk about what is happening and get it out of your head. I say this with full experience it takes over your life, obviously you aren't sleeping etc. As this apparently is not affecting her and she isn't listening age is a factor but perps are very much agreeable to everything, they stop you from doing anything out of their sight, turn families against each other etc. Unfortunately the decision ultimately comes down to your daughter leaving him - this often takes a while but you need to stand back - the more you push the more she runs to him because he is controlling her. You need to put boundaries in place which are acceptable to you and your mental health. You may wish to contact DV in your state and get in contact with a counsellor who actually deals with this type of trauma, because that is exactly what it is. There is also the circle of security which shows the different types of violence so that you can truly understand these red flags. Sometimes we need to stand back, breathe and take care of ourselves before we can actually move forward and support. Your anger really comes down to you feeling hurt, uncertain, sad and all those bits of emotions that make us human. A perp does not have emotions - they show but there is no ability to love anyone or care. I remember all of my hours I was awake I cried endlessly it was healthy, it helped somehow but once I got trauma counselling and a gp who was on board to help with sleeping, eating bathing etc life became far more tolerable. This is about you being in control of your life - until you can get there you can't help your girl. I am truly sorry you are going through this but you aren't alone, please remember that you are one of many and it is no one's fault. Not bad parenting whatsoever. Please breathe and feel that to your stomach believe me - it stops you crying when you just need a break from that headache, red face and exhaustion.
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As some of you are aware we have hens. You buy 3 cute things and before you know it .. mother hen gets clucky and very hormonal and is extremely horrible. (like us) She attacks everything that comes near her and becomes protective. I intensely dislike her hormones they smell terribly, she refuses to eat and drink and won't let the others lay they all start screaming- she goes into her little mummy brain world. Sound normal? She wants to become a mum and so we buy fertile eggs. She turns them around under her overheated tummy - 37.5 deg. 21 days later we have chicks and she clucks to call them for food - she picks it up and drops it straight away for her babies. We too, make the mush carefully so our babies don't choke. She freaks out if they run out from underneath her or we take her outside without them. We stay with the babies keep them warm, play and talk to them and keep them safe. Newborns need their mums we stress when they are out of our sight. We cuddle and talk to them and they are comforted and quiet. She lets them go when she has had enough. I would so like to copy her parenting style!! At 7-8 wks those cute little babies start to become teens, they are scruffy, ugly and fight over everything. Just like ours and they whinge at the door for food and want to find any scraps my teens will have dropped. Some days those little pitter patters are so cute, I can sit forever as they struggle to get what they want. Others, I want to advertise because their crap just about kills me and does my head in.. Just like my kids. They do live inside until they are old enough and feathered to cope with the weather. They come inside when they are sick and need meds, they have baths just like we do. They have their own plates and whinge when they are empty. I don't always have the time to get their food ready- just like us. They do sit and watch telly and they love cuddles. Just like us! They have nappies so the floor doesn't get crapped on - my teens hate cleaning up a mess. They are all an extended part of our family, they go to the vet if sick, everything we do they pretty much do, they know where their beds are and take themselves off when ready. They love going out in the car they pretty much like anything if we are around. Family is whatever we want or need it to be, society is so judgemental. It fills us with happiness, hope, distress and daily struggles. I worry endlessly - my children tell me I love our feathered family more than them - of course, they are far more polite and co operative even as teens. We get fresh hot eggs for breaky but.. some of my girls hide their goodies and themselves for wks on end. Just like our kids they make decisions but not always for the best. Life with animals is about boundaries, trust, providing shelter, love and caring. Animals don't forget and neither do we. Sometimes life hurts but we need to remember that we are strong, capable of anything and can move forward no matter the circumstances. Our feathered family have taught us many lessons that I had never thought of and the kids do go to them when upset - often found curled up in a bed with teen. Extremely good for their MH when mum knows nothing.
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Or is it Sharing and Caring?? I have said this to my dog as she hogs the heater - she shuffles 2cm and I keep reminding her of those 3 words until her paws are resting. When we find out we are pregnant we stop eating our cheese, drinking our alcohol to have a healthy baby. We start stressing. Bub is born not sleeping, not feeding no eye contact not keeping up with the Jones next door kid. We are stressing - bad parents, can't cope and not communicating with all of us who struggle in silence. Toddlers talking or not, milestones not met, no sleeping, running away - yeah we were in such a hurry for that milestone, talking OMG not talking yet - yeah stress, stress and more. Start talking and they never shut up - in a hurry for that one too. More stress and having to keep up in the playground - exhausting endless tantrums. Poor parenting god yes! Off to school, platts don't match, socks don't match (the washing machine has kindly eaten them again) friends well they were yday but today they don't like me and the crying - were we in a hurry for school and environmental change and whinging, and tired and not eating their lunch- it took hours to prepare instead of bad parenting and packets of nasty food according to the parent police. Stress, stress and my child can't do their homework I'll shut them up by doing it myself the teacher won't really notice- it is now 2 am and I am still awake because I want the best for my child, distressed from exhaustion.. Along comes the 9 yr old the attitude starting to rear it's head, so stressful, pre puberty - a quick taste of the future.. so stressful what are we going to do??? Teens its where most of us are at.. we are exhausted, feel unloved, not the priority just thrown in the junk pile along with the dolls and trucks, where did our babies go?? Who is this thing we have in our house, demanding, selfish, swearing, violent and eating OMG we need another job to keep the cupboards full. Stressed? Well yes and no. Confused more -yes than no, hated - definitely, broke - always, loud music - we start to lose our hearing, listening - a foreign word, always right - in their own minds we forget we have rights.. Screaming - headphones were invented for parents not kids.. disrespect - I'm perfect - you are wrong, you don't care and I hate you.. That hate word so destructive for our wellbeing. MH well we have definitely become mental, we are distressed, we take up alcohol at 4pm in time for the bewitching hr to cope. I am so mentally unwell at times because they get into my head warning me I shouldn't be within 1000 km of them. Stressed, where can I check myself in to escape from these things that have taken over... Sound familiar?? We are stressed and distressed, our coping mechanisms lost out the day they became their own individuals. Our lives amount to miscommunication, anger which is really sadness, feeling unloved, overwhelmed with our poor parenting performance and societies confirmation as failures. In all of this listening, communicating, caring and struggling along is what we all do, but then again all it's stressful and we blame ourselves for not knowing what to do. Reaching out is not something we do easily, nor do we talk, breathe or cry. Our heads are full of the mess we allow to do 360's to takeover so basic parenting skills are forgotten. Sharing our crap is caring for ourselves.
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Boundaries with teens who have already taken over do exhaust you.. I agree with his currency removal. Would it be possible to stop him working? He just doesn't need access to so many environments. Teens and tech are very clever but there are all sorts of ways to stop access to sites. We went through cybercrime - you may want to look at that as it has some really top advice on protection. MH with them is always a major issue. Some teens will go to shut you up and say nothing at all, session after session. We went through 5 MH teams she didn't click and being SN (black or white thinking) nothing. We gave up with her went ourselves and struggled along. It sounds like your boy is hurting a LOT and behaving in accordance. No doubt he hasn't had the attention they so badly need and deserve. My girl is a twin her sister normal and she misses out all the time. She doesn't complain but I know it hurts her (and me) terribly and some of her behaviour is from that issue alone. She is very private and internalises everything but does have counselling regularly. Besides being exhausted by the 3 issues of each child - SN etc that rubber band is about to split. Each child needs you separately - one being the horrible teen, one SN and one with emotional trauma. Breaking those down to something simple and something you can control - for instance the lad who has no relationship with his brother requires MH help if he is not getting any. Perhaps you have SN appmts coming from every direction - take the most important and break it down. Some wks I have 4 and have a meltdown!! Trying to simplify comes with crying and plenty of it, exasperation feeling like a bad parent, loss of control, weak and not coping. I promise you breathing does help but you have to remember to do it. Talking and getting it out of your head, perhaps meds, you guys seeing someone in the mental health team for advice and trying to think outside that square about you. There are choices and some of them are quite painful but being in control will give you hope - and that is the very thing that is missing in your lives. Keep breathing!!
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Mine was similar to what you are experiencing with your girl although she was 10 SN and had a best friend for 5 yrs. Her friend's brother was also SN so she was able to support my girl and they had pretty much everything in common. At that point we were going through DV but somewhere along the line it became to stressful esp at that age. My girl would come home crying or refuse to go to that classroom. Fortunately we had to move but my girl rang and emailed her friend a couple of times a day. Her birthday was coming up and my girl was very excited as they'd planned it all together. Her friend didn't invite her, she was devastated. This emailing, texting went on for a yr - all one sided. I finally got a phone call from the mother who said they'd grown apart and had new friends it was all due to them not wanting to be involved in court processes. I was very gracious and said yes I completely understand the reasons getting extremely angry (read distressed, hurt, etc) and finished the call. It took me 2 wks to get myself together to be able to support my girl - SN kids do not have the emotional control its black and white. It was hell she cried she hid she ran away and blamed herself. Today she is 14 she still misses her friend still wants to wish her a happy birthday -it has gotten easier but the pain and unhappiness of not being wanted still lingers. I listen, sometimes she blames me but it's all experience. I would ask your girl what she wants and give her the control and let her feel it's her choice. Some of us don't and I believe that is half the reason our teen kids are unhappy.
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Although he has left he sounds very mature for a 16 yr old. He is continuing his life as it was minus being at home. Well done you on giving him the strength, love and respect on his decision. You may not feel you know your boy very well at all but he is moving forward, he says he is safe and its normal for teens to want to escape their parents- we know nothing until they are ready. His MH seems to be in control with the support he has around him, that support does very much include you - even though you are feeling out of control and I guess lost in your world you have succeeded in your parenting skills - this you must not forget and feel very proud - you have given us hope as we struggle along. It isn't personal or your fault he has left most of us experience this at18 +.. You just have a head start on yours however painful it is. Breathe and cry. Letting go is one of the hardest things we as parents will ever experience in our lifetime.
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Let me say I really loathe parenting. I am over it and want to leave home - I still have 4 yrs before this can happen and yes I am breathing. A call from the teacher goes something like this : So you know T1 has a girlfriend and it has been going on for the past 3 mths and she has asked to get help. She has also been doing xyz and abc. My version of this has been angry outbursts, laziness, leaving the house and other teen normal behaviours. I am fortunate that generally speaking we have a lot of respect in our house. Violence including verbal is not acceptable due to our past. I have literally asked her what's happening, how's school she is a nerd general stuff we always talk about. None, zero, the end.. I am gay and understand the complications around the emotional trauma, society peer pressure. We both inform each other about things we have read seen etc. I am well versed and of course support her on everything, we do see each others POV mostly. She knows and tells her friends when Mum says No, it means No. She can trust me for everything and she knows it. Teens are teens they talk to each other thank god! I wait for her to tell me in her own time. So she has some control of things in her life. She does acknowledge that I actually know things. We are not perfect, I make mistakes admit argue and try not to repeat but I am 100% excellent in repeating and I hope that my girls will be too. I am screaming in my head the why not, obviously trust issues, her thinking things that I would never do, not feeling comfortable within her own relationship, how did I miss this???? I was mentally coping again but every time I try to talk to her she hides, walks out or is so silent I don't even know she is home. Today I asked her for 5 mins, she argued I told her to forget it and just go. I don't want to talk to her, I feel like a teen putting those protective walls up. And her SN sister has been bribing her since she found out. Usually I find out the details as they are happening!! Perhaps I should call my psych team who are on speed dial.
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So I am back after a little while and in much better shape and I have more chooks and babies hatching this week!!! So exciting for us. A few mths ago my chooks meant nothing (huge red flag) and my kids SN14 and her somewhat normal teen twin have been doing the bulk of caring and making decisions and living in despair whilst I somehow managed to get out of whatever scenery my mind was hiding behind. I lost my memory and failed the mini mental tests. Didn't know my name blah blah. They rang the psych team who changed meds and slowly I began to smile and show a few minutes of interest.. They coped extremely well as usual and got support from friends and the MH team. During this time we had so much success with all of our issues, SN issues wins for my girl and the school took on all recommendations. Rehab appmts 3 times a wk, my SN girl is back in the pool and her feet are loosening up more each week. The school also has given my SN girl an outlet to gain confidence and train dogs for autism. T1 has just returned from a wk of cadet training on one of the Vic bases. Her confidence was booming until she saw her sister. I did find having a single child very draining so glad I managed twins! If I'd taken more care of myself instead of putting out the traumatic fires hour after hour and stressed less about stupid things, if only I just talked, if only I'd realised how little juice was in the tank, if only the rain had stopped, if only I had remembered to cry and breathe -advice I freely give out and kindly forgot to advise myself. But now, I'm back to building the weather is hot and I have to rescue my hens as the rooster is running amok .. We'd eat him but he is a bantam and who else would sit on my shoulder at night watching telly!!
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Is there any perfection to writing what we are so distressed about. I too, have tried to perfect so everyone else gets it but they do anyway. I hope you are crying! And at least you have written and released some of your distress. The trauma of both of your kids is enormous but a high light I saw in your writing was that she went to a friends place. Friends offer exactly what we can't and as a parent sometimes I feel useless but accept that at this age I need to step back and let them have some control over what they are going through. Wise perhaps but it makes me feel otherwise. I have read many of your posts so honest so much support for the rest of us so much wisdom. It comes and it goes but we advocate and try not to look back but be positive about what we have achieved by listening and supporting our kids. Clarity hides - endlessly, but getting it out helps to ease things just a little at a time and gives hope when we think we can't cope another minute. These curve balls I don't think they ever stop. I guess I have tried to make this more about you at the end of the day your mental health far outweighs our kids. If we can't cope by reaching out and getting help then we can't give what others need - we mums are just so bad for ourselves!! Breathe, breathe and cry you can get through this too.
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I just wanted to quickly say that your issues are the biggest and you cannot compare to others what they are going through. It's something I have learnt along the way and the mess in my family and our psychological distress are not something others are experiencing to your levels of distress. We may have similarities but you can't walk in someone else's shoes - even if they fit! As for the meds you can compare on a pain scale 1 -10 if Panadol no longer works you step up to another med that helps with the pain. Things work and then they stop - I hope that helps in a non clinical explanation. And breathe, you can do this if you don't get the results you want move on. My girl SN is 14 - to date we have seen 26 paeds alone. I want the best for her and for us and our mental health.
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First of all well done for asking for help it's a harsh world we live in. Anger issues are broken down into I'm sad, I am unhappy I don't feel listened to, nobody cares. As humans anger is an overrated word that means we are emotionally unwell. Being abandoned by our parents is harsh for a child they don't have the ability to break down the adult junk and cope. We can't manage it either so we cannot pass the tools on. Teens are hard work, their brain is the wrong way down, they can't manage their own emotional traumas on their travels. However, there are as others have suggested various avenues that you need not actually say anything just leave brochures or send emails to him. He can see you are communicating and trying without forcing him into language he may not want to hear. 6mths would feel like forever for a teen by showing you can negotiate depending on his behaviour is actually about choices, teens forget choices its black or white for them. If you can I would read about abandonment issues of each age group if you haven't already to allow yourself the opportunity to try to understand why ppl feel and act like they do. I have done this personally so my parenting crap is halved and I haven't traumatised my kids. Apparently I'm doing ok according to them. Listening to teens when they actually want to talk (which they do but we know nothing) there can be long sentences but only a few keyword. I will be doing something ignoring their garbage until I hear particular words or tones, I say hey hang on say that again and listen to the really important thing I need to know. I have a SN teen who can see the words in her head but she cannot get them out and for teens frustration ends up going around inside their head and making life worse than it actually is. It is difficult but these years too, shall pass. Just keep breathing, you are stronger than you think you are.
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I think after 14 years of advocating for my SN girl I am feeling exhausted and totally whingy.. Education departments drive me beyond my coping mechanisms - that is saying something having a SN kid. They do my head in. Each individual state advising me that yes we do have a special Ed dept and how can we help you.. Advice for SN parents ring your Ed dept and ask to be put through specifically to them and try to communicate via email at all times once you get a name.. Do not let go of your life line of sanity. Primary school funding with a Dx is pretty much given. It took me 11 yrs to get funding in Q unfortunately we had to move interstate. It has just taken me another 18 mths but funding for teens is virtually more impossible than a Centrelink application for a carer payment. Fortunately I guess - still so angry.. education wise the report has indicated my girl is 5 yrs behind her peers in learning difficulties. I gave it to school as they too, had been waiting.. and yes no funding but we can put all the suggestions into place to make life easier for her. she then replied but I could have done that testing for you in 2015. I wanted to smack her so hard as I had asked her if she could and she said No.. my girl was unwell and could see my breathing accelerate and got us away from her. My nature is just so chilled but when we got home with T2 chanting breathe mum just breathe I stood at the back door screaming and stopped when she started crying. The unfairness on our kids making their lives so difficult by the endless red tape and lack of communication in these departments. Am I excited for the result - NO! Are we going out to celebrate success -NO! Because this is the 3rd time and I won't believe anything until I see the proof. However after whinging, we got an appmt with the rehab team. Occupational Therapist, Soc Wkr, physio and speech pathologist. My girl will start physio as we found out she has so many issues with her hips, legs, ankles and feet (cerebral palsy) we were strangely overwhelmed but excited as she can now move forward and hopefully return to swimming and confidence. We celebrated that success. The SW has now seen me on my own to help with SN parenting which I have been doing by myself - updating me on a few new skills. OT and SP next week - we could be lucky enough not to have our house consistently covered in flour, food and fluids before my girl leaves home.. I try to put a positive spin on it but sometimes.. breathing and crying just so do not cover it. Agree?
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My girls were 28wkers their outcome for survival was very limited due to brain injuries at birth. We were given support from the allied health team on that day. This included the OT so that when we touched them in their isolates we were able to stimulate their sensory skills as we did not hold them until they were over a wk old. With the help of the OT their survival started to increase as they got used to us holding stroking stretching their tiny bodies and helping them to respond and relax. Without that help and knowledge the outcomes we were coming to terms were unimaginable. Our MH was completely shot but she talked us through the many options that other health professionals were unable to explain to our level of understanding. Moving forward T1 met milestones slowly and happily. T2 was a disaster always happening. She couldn't hold/grasp anything - we covered the floor and the table in newspapers for her to eat until she was 4/5. Her non stop bunny battery did not have a switch. She couldn't sit still, concentrate and we couldn't catch her!! Back to the OT learning to write and slow down along with behaviour and social skills for all of us - not just her!! Physically her body was very tight from her brain injury although movement was so extreme they ruled out Cerebral Palsy at 4mths. The joke of it is she was diagnosed with it again 18 mths ago for her - lack of physical ability.. It is not because her behaviour was naughty she has never been able to control of her emotions so the OT based her behaviour around simple things like dress ups and lots of things she liked to do rather than punishment and yelling as she understood neither! The OT put together plans for us to discipline her and provide boundaries for her safety. One in particular was building 3 fences in the front yard for her security, we were in a busy street. By the 4th fence we had time to grab her, it was a 6ft fence. Obviously other parents had gone through the same issues for her suggestions.. If you go back to the births of your kids not meeting those milestones, things not seeming quite right that's where the OT comes into it. They provide the specific plans to meet the whole families needs right throughout our lives. They teach us new skills and provide the support that we so badly crave. And, you aren't just a number. I hope by sharing a small part of our trials and many tribulations it gives you a much wider idea of other areas you can go for help. T2 has also attended as she couldn't write, hold a pen etc. If you require additional info the Australian occupational therapists have more specific details.
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As some of you may have already had experience with the OT many of us haven't. There are many reasons that you may need to see one - motor skills, rehab, behavioural issues, medical diagnosis, mental health etc. Below I have found some information that may be helpful for issues you may be experiencing or yet to experience. OT's are part of the allied health team with physio's, soc workers etc.
Occupational therapists can assist children to engage in school, play, and self-care occupations and to participate in their life roles with their families at home, school, and in the community.
The role of occupational therapists
Occupational therapists (OTs) are child- and family-focused. They assist children to manage the sensory sensitivities, as well as the behavioural and coordination difficulties, that often accompany medical diagnosis. OTs also help children to overcome challenges they may have with daily activities. OTs use children’s everyday activities as the focus of intervention and are expert at modifying activities and environments to better suit a child’s needs.
When should a child/family see an occupational therapist?
If a child has difficulties with play, managing transitions, self-care, or school-work tasks such as concentrating and writing, or has sensory and coordination difficulties.
What does an assessment involve?
The OT will talk with the parents or carers, the child (if appropriate), and other professionals about a child’s strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, and behaviour.
What kind of treatments do occupational therapists provide?
The OT will work collaboratively with the child and parents to identify goals for intervention and develop a plan of action with short-term objectives that they can work on together.
For a school-aged child, an occupational therapy session might involve additional activities such as:
stress reduction techniques,
participation in a social skills group with other children.
As the child gets older, these activities might expand to include organising and managing friendships, interests, and responsibilities.
OTs make use of visual strategies such as visual timetables, social stories, and visual cue-cards. They may teach the child self-management or self-regulation strategies to cope with challenges such as personal organisation, social skills, or sensory sensitivity.
Within the school setting:
The OT may work with the child and the teacher to modify classroom expectations to allow new ways for a child to demonstrate knowledge despite such things as poor handwriting and difficulties with personal organisation.
In summary, OTs are skilled in a variety of types of intervention:
• promoting and maximising a child’s occupation performance, health, well-being, and participation; • assisting a child to develop new skills; • ensuring new skills are maintained and built upon; • modifying the environment or activity to ensure a child can participate in meaningful ways; and • implementing steps to prevent the development of behaviours or performance that would diminish a child’s strengths or abilities in the long term.
I have a SN teen who started seeing an OT around 2 yrs. Mostly her behaviour was/is our biggest issue -being a twin she was leading her sister along on her escapades. We slowly managed to proceed and then went back when she was 4. Learning difficulties were so pronounced -she still at 14 has just been dx again with the age of 9 in basic English. She is a very clever girl but just cannot get it out. At 7 she tried holding things but her co ordination is still quite poor. We are about to go back and relearn how to refine hand skills - she loves to cook and does it well - but the house is covered in flour etc.
As you have read through the different processes on what an OT does my family and I have used them many times at all ages. It can be used privately and also through the public system. They are very supportive and interested both on the phone and in person.
Hopefully this can help when you are beyond coping and unable to think of where else to turn.
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I am having to build a new fence on the patio area to keep those feathered friends out of the house. Much like dogs they like to come in and look around for any crumbs. When it is wet - I am currently doing the laundry room. But only until 3p as my SN girl can't stand noise..
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Have you thought of taking him to an Occupational therapist. My little girl started seeing a psychologist when she was 18 mths. First start with a child psychologist - very important for their level of understanding and they also help you and give you tips to try to survive each age group. These are available through Cymh in each state and is free. They do an intake based on behaviour - you must give them the version of your very worst day. Believe me I have no idea how many times I burst into tears and couldn't answer their Q's. My girls behaviour was pretty much the same as your child. As for the abusive cycle little ppl take in every single emotion and hear every single word. My kids at 10 could repeat whole sentences that they overheard 6 yrs prior.. You can do this. You have the strength it's hidden deep but your safety is paramount to move forward. This is NOT your fault and you will feel guilty. Reaching out you are being extremely positive for your son and yourself. You are not alone - there are many of us right now experiencing the trauma we don't deserve.
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I have 2 little roosters - they love cuddles and will sit contentedly on my lap whilst I drink my tea. Either in the sun or they will sneak in if the heater is on!! If I am building outside my kids bring me a cuppa and leave me to drink it and usually the sawdust but it's peaceful as I listen to the real music of our youth and then finally seeing a finished product.
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The joys of SN children.. Food does seem to be an issue and it does make a difference in their behavioural issues. Is your child on any meds to help with the ADHD? We face issues when we don't have control such as these kids we eat for comfort we eat to cope with the never ending depression and anxiety not to mention those awful mornings. My girl has been saying I am fat pure muscle she swims but it's a mental issue. I have found using a smaller plate helps significantly and drinking water to fill me up. I have teens so filling up can be a problem. We tend to have things like wraps - a tablespoon of mince, lots of yoghurt and the rest tomato, spinach, cucumber carrot cheese. 3 of those look huge but they are on a tiny plate. I spread my food out over the day. It is a very slow process but you will regain confidence. We also get pizza but put veges on instead and on the small plate. A small walk to start off with and then longer. It may not seem much but if you rush the old ways often tend to return.
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My girl came out a few months ago. I had a small inkling from a photo I saw of her last yr and wondered. I wish she had just said I am bi but she had to mention all these extra attached letters confusing me endlessly. My ex and I are both gay and I have to say she still hasn't told her other mum!!!! And they are pretty close. Once she told me I was totally supportive and like you got on to all the sites and she was happy as a lark. I made sure she got everything she needs for now and her future. I got thrown out so no positivity from my family. All her friends know and support her. Her SN sister tends to support her when she isn't screaming at her. It is such a hard road for them. Ppl say how much things have changed but like anything as long as we don't talk about it - it doesn't exist. I still face this so I know there really isn't such a change but transgender we are starting again. You are doing exactly all the things I am doing positive loving and the big one - listening. It still breaks our heart no matter what we say verbally.. The one thing I did do was specifically look for a counsellor dealing with the issues and emotions mine will face. Unless they have experienced it they really cannot comprehend what these kids are going through. I feel for all of you and hope that this will be a very positive experience for your journeys.
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Personally mine were struggling and I got them kept back. They were already falling through the cracks and I didn't want those cracks to become a crater. Strangely, all of the kids they now hang with have all been kept back.
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This does resinate with me and the family who were/n't my family from birth. I didn't really find anyone I gelled with for the past 40+ yrs. So only talk about it when pressed by the MH teams. Hurt, distrust, unloved, not cared for, who was I and where did I belong. It was overwhelming more so as I got older. I talked it really didn't help but I had to for my own safety. When your girl talks she is allowing herself to deal with reality of all those nasty selfish ppl we deal with. I lied at times to shut ppl up and protect myself. As a teen I think that was my coping mechanism. I don't know the other side of my family at all - what I don't know I can't be hurt by. I guess it took me years, we seem to concentrate on the hurt rather then the happiness. I moved forward and away, the sadness never really ends but with maturity it becomes something you have more control over. I am now going through a similar situation but quite different. However, my girls can discuss it any time they like and ask tonnes of Q's. They trust me and they trust the MH team they deal with. If the meeting doesn't go well in yrs to come they know what happened with me and understand in their little teen brains that mum survived it and so can we.
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As her sister is the queen of SN diagnosis she has been to a lot of early development with her. No problems which is great bc she wasn't supposed to survive either. Her grades in primary were high unless she was under stress. I have sat down with her these holidays and we have put a Goal plan into action. She is getting tutoring through her scholarship and with a tutor 3 times a wk. She has seemed a little lost this year in her education so I figured I better get my parenting brain (wherever that is) into gear. We have turned the plan into a each day, week, month scenario. It was a good exercise as she wants to get some music theory exams done. So I have been tutoring her to sit for a higher grade so that she can continue for Yr 11/12. It's been a worry for her so now she has structure and knows what she needs to do I think she will excel once again. At least I hope so.
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Have a look at the Power and Control Wheel. Unfortunate ppl we deal with in life but the reality is it happens to anyone. My family has been through it but the wheel explains some of the things you are thinking/feeling quite easily. Hope it helps.
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Mine in the end was very simple. We moved interstate, changed my phone number and email address and didn't bother letting them know. The kids miss their cousins like crazy but if they want to fly and see them I have no problem with that but everyone has to travel a little as we have issues with our previous state. The kids are quite happy and very agreeable to it as it allows them to feel safe and have some control which they didn't have. I think I just got to a point where I hadn't thought about them for so long I was no longer irritable with their garbage.
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It is our 2nd winter in the southern states. We think a day that gets to 10 with sun is definitely t shirt and shorts for at least an hour. The tools come out in the sun and sawdust flies everywhere. As long as I have a jumper and coat on generally still in shorts I am comfortable. My hens start to lay again much to ours and the neighbours delight. The yard no longer looks like a killing zone as the hens moult has finished. The oven is busy cooking with all the fresh eggs and we are learning how to cook winter meals. Being rugged up is interesting and having enough blankets is questionable daily. I guess the downside is I go barefoot everywhere and only have thongs which are special and stay in the car. When it's icy I tell myself today I will buy shoes.. and repeat. This is what happens when you grow up in a northern state with a grandmother who didn't wear shoes either..
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If you do my washup tonight then I will do yours tomorrow night. Next night - I hate you, you lied to me and the dirty dishes do NOT have my name on them. Mum, I wish you'd never had my sister.
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I believe we all feel that way. Baffled, worn out, guilty, afraid to admit we have an issue but you are on a winner. He has respect for other people. They enjoy having him around. You achieved that! That he has made it to 15 you helped and guided him this far. Who else could have done that the way he has turned out. I have a SN child she is a total delight when she comes home she is revolting! The conclusion for SN kids is that they feel safe and secure in their own environment to just let go and treat us like crap. The difference is she has been doing it for 14 yrs already. I haven't fallen short but my patience with her hangs by a thread. But I am still here, still bashing my head against a wall feeling guilty should I so desire at any time. I have the control to allow her to be as normal as she is and speak when she wants and leave it on her terms. It's a battle, but I have found over the past 14 yrs that the battle is more hers than mine. It's harder for her but when she is ready she comes out and starts unloading, eating, whinging tells me she loves me then back to her room. Rude of course, wants things I say no, I inform her that her behaviour is her choice, not mine.. Continue on your parenting journey as you have and breathe, breathe and breathe some more.
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I think sometimes rather than speaking about an issue that obviously is upsetting as you want for granddaughters to understand there is no money tree in the back yard that sometimes you can change in your own ways to teach kids the value of money, life, etc by the conversations that you have. Kids can be very receptive to their grandparents and what they tell them and believe it or not they do actually remember even though you may think they aren't listening. 8 in particular is a great age to decipher the values. It may agitate your son as you say he does work hard but working hard doesn't teach kids the importance of life. That is where you come in. Communication and the different ways we were bought up can make an impact and stretch their brains to allow other information in the gate. Our lives today are so minute - media, media and more. No neighbours, no family time no personal guidance, where do our kids learn about basics. Let's face it communication one on one is pretty rare. I grew up with my grandparents my children have been brought up similarly. Comparing money from then until now is totally relevant. I compare lollies. For 10 cents we got so many lollies they overflowed. Now you'd be lucky to get one they say. Wish we grew up when you did mum.. To my reply was I don't think so you couldn't cope .. they look at me like I have 2 heads but I say no tv, no Ipad etc.. they nod as the communication gets through and comes up whenever money issues arise. Your knowledge and education is tenfold by sharing with them everyone has different opinions and yours is just as worthy as your sons.
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We went through this 2 years ago because I didn't want my children seeing me continually hurt. I come from a large family and have cut all but 2 of them off. Best thing I ever did and don't miss any of it. And I can answer the Q's my girls ask me quite easily without blame. We've had counselling for it and I am happy that I eventually just let go. I have enough trauma with my own without adding the rest of the mob to it!!
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