@taokat, Welcome back!   No need for an apology, IMO. Lost and exhausted, as we all have been from time to time, and you didn't get what you really needed. Glad to have you back.   I've tried complaining about psychologists and psychiatrists too. My experience is that they (well, some of them at least) do not take kindly to constructive criticism. It's a great shame, as we need a full team (parents, family, schools, and medical team) working together to support our young people. Crushing the spirit of the primary carer cannot be a good strategy, even if the parent might be wrong. BTW, I see your point: sexual abuse at 8 seems more significant than abuse when you were pregnant.    Good on you for seeking help.    Sorry to hear your girl has dropped out. I know you will keep encouraging her. Cheers         ... View more

Hi @lizard0812, It took me a long time to get over those feelings (months). For a long time I felt that my son was better, but I was not. I had some paperwork to do about a year after he got better, relating to a complaint we put in about the school, and it brought it all back again. At the same time my son got better and better. That's still going on.   For me it wasn't so much trust in my son, but the fear that his improvement was yet another false start, and that he would go backwards again. We had so many false starts.   I tried to get a little distance from my son and me. We'd been together for what seemed like 24/7 for a long time, and we were probably both a little sick of each other. I took advantage of opportunities for him to stay with relatives and friends whenever possible. I caught up with old friends. I tried to exercise. I tried not to drink too much. I did some volunteer work one evening a week (and found some very sympathetic ears there, by accident). I tried to sleep properly (when he was bad I was getting up 3-5 times a night to check he was still in his bed, I have not quite shaken that habit of getting up).   So, I don't have any genius tips to offer. Hang in there. Go through the motions of life. As long as he gets better, it gets better (but it is slow, and you might lag behind him).  Merry Christmas @lizard0812 ... View more

I love Christmas. I like the lights, and the way people are just a little nicer. It's an opportunity to tell people "thanks for this year".    At the same time bad things seem to happen around Christmas (for me personally, and globally - cyclones and earthquakes and whatever). Maybe they feel worse because it is close to Christmas? Anyway, I'm always a little anxious. The break in routine can be negative for our struggling teens, too. So I love it, but I'm wary as well.   My only tip is to not expect perfection. If you burn the turkey, forget a salad, or turn up a little late, it's okay.    BTW, thanks to everyone who shared and listened here on RO. It's a simple thing, but powerful. Merry Christmas :)  Cheers ... View more

Hi @Free2B,   I apologise for the late reply, I missed your message and came across it by accident recently.   We, too, have experienced exclusion from a Catholic school for similar reasons. The kid involved has never been disciplined for violence or aggressive behaviour at school. However, due to his mental health condition, he can say some things that sound violent during counselling sessions. His medical team constantly told us he was low risk and fit for school. However we suspected the school counsellors were deliberately stressing him so that they could gather evidence to get him out of the school. When we made a formal complaint they said the reason was concern about the risk to other students and staff, and whenever an external body hears that they back away and will not investigate, even though we have reams of evidence to support our position.   It seems to be the perfect defence: "we didn't follow anti-discrimination rules/privacy rule/codes of conduct/policy because we were worried the kid might become homicidal."   We moved schools, to a non-Catholic independent school. It solved the problem immediately (although we were worried about the risk of changing and loosing friends, etc.)   I don't know if this is a recognised strategy within the industry, although I do wonder if it is.    Hope you have found a solution. I know how lonely and stressful that situation is. Cheers   ... View more

Hi @hippychick,   Firstly, I don't think the senior grades are anywhere near as important as many teachers make out. I'm going through that process here in NSW with my son, who is thinking about going to university in 2 years time. We've talked to students who got in without an ATAR. All of them made it clear that their Yr 12 grades really made very little difference (which was my experience too, except it was the Dark Ages then so perhaps no longer relevant).   Here in NSW you can take up to 5 years to finish your HSC. You can pick up some TAFE HSC courses at any time during that period and add them to whatever you did at school, and get or improve your HSC (or ATAR). TAFE offers (pretty much) the entire HSC course list to be done externally. I'm told there are internal courses too, although I haven't investigated that.    I'm not exactly sure what the situation in sunny QLD is, but a quick google got me to this:   https://studentconnect.qcaa.qld.edu.au/12652.html   That says you can do your QCE over 7 years.   So, really, you can relax. As long as you can put up with a kid hanging around at home for another year or two ;) Let's face it, they never seem to move out these days. He could get a part-time job while he finishes a course. Or he might take a gap year...that can really help kids grow up, and work out what they really want to do. Or he might find out he doesn't need to finish that QCE thing for what he wants to do anyway.   Ignore the teacher. Tell your boy to do his best but not stress. There's way too much stress on our kids, for no good reason. Enjoy whatever you are doing. Cheers ... View more

It's heart breaking, @Bonnie01, to see our beautiful kids struggling like that,   My son had (has?) treatment resistant depression. It seemed to take forever to get the right mix of meds to make a dent in it. When we found a mix the side-effects were nearly as bad. We then had another long period of fine tuning the meds to be effective and with acceptable side effects. That process is still going (3 years on) but things are good now. It exhausted me (I mean completely emotionally exhausted), and there were many times when my son lost faith in the medical process, it just took so long. You've got to prepare yourself and your son for a possibly long journey.   My son tried self-harm too, not too bad (bad enough to freak me out). It seemed to be a release with him, it happened at times of intense stress. It was quite different to a suicidal period.    Getting the right medical team is important. If you really think the psychiatrist is at a loss then it might be time for a second opinion. It's about getting the right team for your son, getting the relationship right.    I hope you can find the strength to keep going. Cheers  ... View more

Hi @lizard0812, Thanks for the update. I find I get a little invested in other people's stories, like yours, and it is nice to know how things are going, even if things are far from good. That light at the end of the tunnel can give you a real boost.   I think you are right to pull him out of school for the rest of the year. Much more important to have a break than finish off whatever it is they are doing. We did find the lack of routine a problem on the holidays, but it was a much needed recharge for all of us. Sorry to hear you have a wait for headspace too. We seem to have an epidemic of mental health issues in our teens, I don't know what we are doing wrong.   Cheers ... View more

Hi @Luna20, Well, teenagers. Hard work in my experience.    I don't have the magic answer. Mine have all needed a bit of a push from time to time. Some of them have also shown that behaviour as part of a serious mental health issue. So, a bit of balance and care has been required, plus guesswork and stress on my part. . I don't know what your daughter's situation is, but withdrawing from life can be a symptom of mental health issues. Before you do anything dramatic I you might consider that. Headspace can help (mixed results in my house, but worth a try). GP can help, etc.   If you are happy with the mental health aspect, WiFi is a powerful motivator, at least in my house. Watching youtube at night can be controlled by the person who has the WiFi password- turn it off at 11 pm...whatever you think is the right time. Prepare for a backlash on that. You can take that further: you want WiFi? Get a job and pay for it. We (as parents) are not required to give our adult offspring WiFi. Yes, I am a grumpy old dinosaur. You could even use WiFi to get her to headspace.    I'm also a great believer in the value of good sleep and a good diet. You probably buy the groceries for her, so you can control what she eats to some extent. If my kids want to fill up on Pringles and Pepsi they can buy them themselves.    Before you do anything dramatic you might want to have a chat with her and tell her. Treat her like the adult she is. You are worried about her, and want to do the right thing, and want her to be happy, but you can see she is not. You might tell her you are making some changes, not to punish her, but to help her.     Good luck Luna Cheers ... View more

Good post @Treadwell,   I'm going to look up some of those RN podcasts. Actually, I've never listened to a podcast before (I've never podded?) It's about time.   Full marks for your formatting - dot points and bold highlights ;) Thanks for putting the effort in!   Writing it down helps me a lot too. One of the lovely RO's will no doubt confirm you are welcome shortly, but I found your post worthwhile.   Can I ask if the DNA testing helped? I haven't heard that approach before.    Cheers ... View more

Hi @taokat,   I'm glad to read an update, and sorry to here you have been having a difficult time. I know you take the time to support others here when they are in need (including me) so I'm particularly sorry to hear you feel unsupported.    You sound worn out. We all say it here all the time: look after yourself. I know it's not easy to do that, we put our kids first. I hope you can find the energy to keep yourself mentally and physically fit.   I don't know what is wrong with our mental health system. I've come across some brilliant people, as well as some complete duds. The system seems to respond to crisis, we don't seem to be able to manage chronic conditions nearly as well. I would think supporting kids to keep them out of hospital and away from crisis would be a good (cost efficient and caring) approach, so I can't see the problem.   We use both public and private, we went for a private psychologist after failing to find a good public psychologist who would stay on long term (once again, during crisis we could get a psychologist in the public system - but we needed one long-term). It is expensive.   But enough about the system. I'm glad to hear the relationship between you and your girl is strong and she talks to you. As parents we are their first line of defence, so you are doing a great job even if the system isn't. Cheers ... View more

Hi @Dad4good, Yeah, I agree, it is surprisingly good to know someone is listening, and that others have similar experiences. I found writing my thoughts out helped me a lot to process them. Getting any sort of response was a bonus, and often I'd get some really good advice.   You've got a lot of stuff going on. Well done for keeping it together so far. Watch out for burn-out, it creeps up on you - at least it did for me.   Enjoy your Sunday Cheers ... View more

Hi @Dad4good,   As parents we have to decide what advice to take and what to reject. Professionals have to worry about negligence, we don't. We just do what is best for our kids. Sometimes the professionals are overly protective. As parents we have to be brave sometimes and take risks - life is not risk free.   I'm not aware of a "requirement" to contact the police. I don't know your circumstances, if my son was missing for the night I think I would contact the police, given where we live, his age, and circumstances. But that is something for you to decide. Same goes for picking him up.   Good luck! Cheers   ... View more

Hi @lizard0812 I'm really sorry to hear that. It's shockingly hard, and there is not enough support for parents or the kids.    We did a combination of private and public, like you. The wait times for first appointments are frustrating. I found that the public system try to assess your capacity as a carer to cope as well, so if you are struggling make sure they know it. Make sure they know you are on the edge. Keep showing up at emergency.   I don't know the answer. Hope you can keep going. Look after yourself. Cheers ... View more

Very glad to hear that! ... View more

I got to hate hearing the phone ring, my body would tense up just thinking "What now".   Thanks for your sympathy :) Luckily it is over for us. Just this last month or so, I've been thinking "we made it". He is still on medication, but everything else is just normal teenage behaviour.   You have my sympathy too. I just took it a day at a time, trying to solve the drama for that day. The school were worse than useless in our case, hope yours is better. We were lucky to finally get a great medical team on his side. That took maybe 5 months.   I found writing down my headaches on this site good therapy. The responses were a bonus-  just typing them out was worthwhile.  Enjoy the weekend as best you can Cheers ... View more

Hi @lizard0812,   I agree, I didn't feel like there was much support for me during that time. I was totally focussed on getting help for my son, and there was only just enough support for him, too. Looking back I wished I'd been stronger or braver or whatever to make me go and seek help for myself, because in the end I ran out of strength and I couldn't support my boy properly. Luckily this was right at the end of his bad time, so we made it through anyway, but I don't know what would have happened if we still had a long way to go.   Don't think of it as relaxing or doing nice things for yourself. Think of it as preparing to help your boy even better, because that's what it is.   By the way, psychologists didn't really help me either. I needed help with more practical things: getting him to school as much as possible, getting him to appointments, shopping for food and other simple things. Spread the load wherever you can. I don't know about you but I found I was exhausted a lot, but also unable to sleep well, so even simple things became hard work. Nobody can go on for too long like that.    Does your boy like the movies? I found taking my son to the movies was a chance for me to switch off for a couple of hours, knowing he was beside me and safe. No talking means no chance for fights, too ;) Cheers ... View more

Dear @sunflowermom, Very sorry to hear that. I know the sort of pain you are feeling. Worried sick and helpless. I guess you've called people she might go and see; that's always hard. I know sitting around waiting is the hardest thing, but that's what you've got to do. Keep yourself sane and hope she manages to look after herself and come back. Maybe this will be a turning point for her. It's a difficult time for kids I think, that 14-15 year period. Hang in there. Cheers ... View more

Hi @lizard0812, I don't have the answers, of course. I guess in your situation I would consider keeping him away from school for a while. At that age he can miss a few weeks without falling too far behind. That might keep him away from the bad influences and maybe let him sort his head out himself. I guess I would try to find out what he wants. That's hard if he doesn't want to talk.     I found the same situation; we would get attention if there was a threat of suicide. It's very frustrating to find it has to get that bad before the system starts to act. We moved to a private psychologist, who is fantastic, but expensive.   Hope you can find the strength to keep going.  Cheers ... View more

Hey @lizard0812, It is so hard.    I hope you are getting the help you need. I think as parents we never get a lot of help, but I hope you are getting something.   I don't know what your boy needs, but I hope you can find the strength and help to work out what that is. I guess the medical team has looked at various possibilities. It was a shock for us to have my son checked for drugs, but it's good to rule that out. As parents sometimes we have to push the system a bit for our kids.    I do believe that kids at 13 can go through defiant, angry stages and come through them. In our case that anger was how my son told us he was in trouble, because he couldn't find the words to say it clearly. He is nearly 16 now. On Wednesday he gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Chances are your beautiful boy is still down there, underneath all that anger and aggression. Cheers   ... View more

Hi @jajealch,   It was a huge shock to me when my son was admitted to hospital with depression and suicidal ideation. I will always feel guilty for not seeing it - no matter what anybody tells me.    We were lucky, my son had suicidal ideation but didn't want to die. I didn't know that was a thing, but there you go. His attempts, as they were, were a call for help. I learned to listen to that.   Therapy, medication, and time seemed to work for us. Lots and lots of support from lots of people. I saw it as my job to get the right people to help him. It doesn't matter how good or experienced a therapist is, there has to be a relationship between them and their patients. We went through a few before I found one that I thought fitted my son. Psychiatrists too, our first one was a dud as far as my son was concerned. The school too was hopeless - changing to the right school helped enormously.   It is not just boys who don't like to talk about their feelings....it's us adult males too. Finding the right person was the key for us.    It's a tough job, look after yourself. Cheers   ... View more

Hi @Desperate0mum, It's a difficult time, trying to find the balance between supporting and pushing our kids. My son needed support and understanding for his depression at 14, pushing and punishing was definitely the wrong approach, in my opinion. Not everyone in the family agreed, and that's hard. Maybe you need to put your case firmly, but keep in mind that some people can be in denial, or just don't see what you see. Help them see it. If that fails, you might need to shield her a little.   At the same time even depressed kids need to know there are boundaries. That was another balancing act for us.   Have you spoken to the psychologist about what's happening at home? They may be able to help.    It's a very hard time. Look after yourself. I write that a lot, and whenever I do I remember my response at the time: I'm not important, I'll just cope. Well, if you get worn out you can't help your girl. So, look after yourself, not for yourself, but for her. Cheers           ... View more

Hi @ConcernedMomof1, yeah, I get the same reaction from one of my kids; like I've just told a straight-out lie instead of recognising something good. I think too that it is a self-esteem thing, they can't believe I honestly think they've done something well. Not sure how to fix it, I just keep on trying. :) ... View more

Hi @lizard0812,   I know that feeling of being emotionally exhausted, even to the point of being unable to write and say things clearly. Take care of yourself. It sounds like there is a lot going on in his head. It's a hard time for a kid. My son used to get angry sometimes, that was his way of saying "I need help". He couldn't find the right words either. We got there in the end, with medication and therapy and a lot of support from us. It can be a shockingly difficult road, but as a parent that's our job. Once again, take care of yourself.   Cooling down is a great approach. It is so easy to make the situation worse by saying the wrong thing, especially when you are exhausted. Often I tried not to respond in the moment, but I'd come back to it the next day or so, and just let him know that that was wrong, or hurtful, or whatever. I'd also punish him if I thought he was out of line, but not severely.    I guess we should also be aware that maybe something we as parents are doing might be making the situation worse. We did a little bit of family therapy. Looking back I wished we'd done more of that.    Good luck with the appointment Cheers ... View more

Hi @RHI22, I'm a guy, so I didn't know what to expect with my two daughters. I was surprised at how btchy girls got, even at a young age. My oldest daughters best friends tended to be males, I think she found them to be more honest and down to earth (they also did stupid things, but that's what we guys do when we are young).   So, I don't know if it's changed, and I'd guess that it is different for everyone, but it does seem to be hard sometimes for a girl to find a real, supportive, friend. Cheers ... View more

Good luck @kokolika, I found this stage to be very distressing as a parent, don't forget to take your own care seriously :) It took all of my will to stop from totally freaking out in front of my son!    (In our case it was "just another stage"...you can get through it). ... View more

Hi @kokolika,   It is awful, I think it is worse for parents and siblings, at least that was my experience. My son tried it twice, luckily he didn't try very hard (his natural aversion to pain stopped him). I found he was quite matter-of-fact about it. In our case I didn't see it as a suicide attempt, he wasn't even particularly depressed when he did it. It was a response to a very stressful situation, and I think it was a way of releasing it for him.   Perhaps you have been told about alternatives (rubber band flicking, ice). I think you could probably have an honest talk to your girl and say "It is distressing for your sisters, can you try an alternative?" It sounds like she is concerned about scaring her sisters, she might be willing to try something. Obviously telling her to just stop isn't going to work. As for protecting the house, I put away all the potential methods of self harm I could find.  I locked the front and back doors, and insisted that the bedroom door stayed open when he was asleep. I tried not to go overboard - I didn't want to add to his stress.   I found with my son he was open to discussions about keeping him safe.    With my son, I offered activities: swimming, basketball with me (he likes to beat me), walking in the park. Often I would match it with a "reward" - go for a swim and I'll turn on the wifi...etc. At the same time, no stress. If he really wanted to just lie in bed, I let him. I did try to maintain a sleep schedule, so I'd limit his time asleep during the day (20 mins I remember, then I'd wake him up).   All kids are different and hopefully you can get some advice from a psychologist soon. I did find I had to work out the details for myself a lot - the psych can't tell you everything. Cheers ... View more

Well, we had 20 difficult months or so with my son, Dec 2015 to July/August 2017. By then my son was very much improving. He is still on meds, but coming off slowly with only a few signs of anxiety (typical teenage variety anxiety now, in my opinion.)   I was exhausted by July 2017. It was annoying because I knew he was nearly there, and I couldn't finish the journey with him. I had to step back. I felt physically and mentally exhausted for the rest of 2017 (also had a little surgery during that time, which didn't help). I slowly improved over that time. After 3 months I felt okay, but it didn't take much to push me back again. I really felt my reserves were empty.   This year is better. I took 5 weeks off to visit my daughter in London and travel around Europe. My son stayed at home. It was good to get away and forget it for a while.   I still don't think I'm back to 100%, and still feel my reserves are low, but I'm okay. So that's about 14 months later ;)    It's hard work @Beno50 Cheers     ... View more

Glad to hear you are doing better.   For me, it took a long time to recover from exhaustion. I'm pretty sure I've got some sort of PTSD from the experience. The thought of having to take my son back to ED still hits me hard (luckily that is not likely at the moment - fingers crossed) and a phone call from the school sends my anxiety shooting up. Look after yourself, I wouldn't expect complete improvement in a short time.   Cheers     ... View more

Hi @Beno50, I had a feeling of failure the first time my son went in to hospital for depression and anxiety. It was hard to face, in particular because I didn't see it coming. The 18 months that followed that were the toughest of my life.    Often I felt we were not getting the support we needed. It seemed to me that the system responded to crisis situations. Often it responded well. But I did feel that it would have been better to respond before the crisis, to head it off. The burden of carrying him in between those interventions fell to me. Hard work.   I don't know the answer. I came to view my son's times in hospital as a respite time...and wished it were a little longer.    Hang in there. Cheers ... View more

I'll throw another comment in regarding resilience. I keep trying to tell my kids life is about compromise...we should not expect perfection. That's hard, because we are bombarded with images of perfection. There seems to be little tolerance these days for quirky or eccentric people. Every choice we make comes with a cost: take that job, get more money, but less family time, etc. Hardly anything comes without some string attached.   I also hate those images that suggest we deserve great things/the best. Where in the universe does it say "You deserve the latest Lexus/BMW/whatever"?! Even relationships are placed on that level, with those empowerment books telling us "You deserve a partner that will always....". Yes, we should put minimum standards on relationships, but we should not expect perfection, and need to remember they are a two way contract. No one automatically deserves something out of them. A little give and take goes a long way.   Anyway, enough ranting Enjoy your Friday, I'm watching a movie with my son :) Cheers     ... View more