I want my daughter to be more sociable!

[Klw25]

Hello.
I am from Bulgaria, so excuse my English.
I think my daughter is wise beyond her years. She is turning 14 this month. I think she's wiser than other teenagers because she has concepts about life too mature, sometimes when I talk to her, her vocabulary and wisdom make me feel like I'm talking with an old philosopher, sometimes I learn from her words. She knows and understands very well the human nature. She keeps her calm better than me. Last summer we went to vacation in Greece and we almost missed our flight. The city was crowded and we called a taxi to lead us at the airport, but the taxi has greatly delayed and we were thinking that it will never come. It was very hot and I was desperate. She came to me and said very calm "keep your calm, mama, we'll not lose our flight, I promise. Just calm down, sit on a bench and try to relax." . One week later, we've lost and no one knew English to help us. It was very hot. We couldn't find a taxi, the suitcase was broken, my husband had injured hand and we didn't know where is our hotel. Our daughter just came very calm and bandaged his hand, then said everything will be fine, we will overcome this situation. In that situations she seemed like she was meditating while speaking with us. Very calm, relaxed. Everything she said has came true. She's an introverted girl. I'm afraid that she becomes more introverted every single day. She has come to no longer wants to get out with her friends. She says she wants peace and wants to live her whole life alone in a japanese garden or near a forest with a lake, somewhere in Asia. Don't take me wrong, she doesn't hate people, because she says hate does not affect the hated one, but the person who hates. The only thing she hates is the hate itself. I'm afraid she'll become a loner, I don't think this is the best way of living a life. I don't know what's the problem with her but she thinks like an old man in a teenager body and this is very strange to me and to other people. She is very intelligent, she seems gifted even if she didn't ever take an IQ test because she says someone's intelligence is not defined by an iq test.
I just wanna help her to be more sociable. Most teenager girls at her age are thinking about boys and their friends and don't understand her.

[Ngaio-RO]

Welcome @Klw25  Your daughter sounds like a very special young woman with some amazing skills and poise. These are great attributes.

I get that you feel she needs to socialise more to be having the 'ideal' teenage experience, but not everyone feels great about socialising. Is it possible that your daughter's personality is introverted and yours might be more extroverted? I ask because sometimes if we have different personalities to our children we worry that they are missing out when actually they're getting what they need.

My suggestion is ask her what she wants. Ask if she feels lonely and would like to connect with other teens. She sounds very mature. There's a good chance she will answer honestly. If you're concerned that she may not tell you what she needs for fear of upsetting you, then don't be afraid to be really honest. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm worried you're missing out. I want you to have the same experiences other teenage girls have. Would you like to discuss how you might meet up or connect with young people?" If she says no and you're not comfortable leaving it at that, you could arrange to revisit the topic in 6 months or so, to see if things have changed. A lot can occur in a short period in the life of an adolescent.

If you click here you can read some tips on communication. This might help make the conversation a bit easier for you both.

What do you think?

[taziness]

Hello @Klw25,

Firsly, thank you for sharing such a heart felt email and well done on reaching out here

You are a beautiful mama, that certainly comes through. Your scribe brings tears to my eyes but a great warmth to my heart for the woman that I would have become sooner had I such a mother.

A single mother myself of three, life is only becoming as clear to me again, as it was when I was that quiet, thoughful and introverted young woman that your daughter appears to be. Well done on truly seeing her and being willing and able to support and guide her with such clarity and love.

It's true, it is good to socially connect with others. Evidently, the school yard is unlikely to be the place where your daughter will flourish, but there are other options. My own 15yo is very sociable though quite individual, and living in a 'remote area', she has had few friends over the past years and is beginning to feel lonely. We have had to look far and wide for opportunities for her to more deeply engage with life and express herself. 

Community groups who focus on causes, issues or simply being well and connecting with each other can be really beneficial. The local council is a good place to start; they will often have a youth group working on various projects together. We have recently found a couple of youth camps too, one focussing on Leadership and the other on Mindfulness. Whilst my daughter hasn't necessarily made new friends  (yet!), she is feeling good about the participation and small group achievements.

I've also been rather active (though not always successful!) in asking our school teachers to encourage participation in any extra activities or opportunities within the school, such as SRC, school presentations and community partnerships (such as reading or activities with elder care). I'm also always looking online for things that might engage her more broadly with social issues, such as competition entries into short films, writing or artwork (she's a creative).

I hope this helps a little anyway, and again thanks so much for sharing. You and your daughter sound like 'special' people xx