You're doing so great @So_worried it may not feel like it but you're getting her the help that she needs and supporting her through this incredibly hard time, that's incredible. I think, so often, parents just completely disregard what they do for their children because they know the alternative is unthinkable but that doesn't change how much effort and sacrifice is made.   Are you able to do a bit of self-care? Take a night off and see a movie with a friend, take yourself out to something you enjoy for an afternoon, meditation, anything? Just something that leaves you feeling a bit replenished.   If you click here you can have a read about looking after yourself while caring for a teenager. ... View more

Hey @Hurtingheart   I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. It's been a bit of a crazy day.   I'm so very sorry for your heartbreak. Losing a pet that you love like that is utterly heartwrenching and exactly what you didn't need. And then on top of that to be going through what you're going through with your son, it's more than anyone can bear. And yet we somehow manage to keep going!.   It's a horrible situation to be in, with your ex being someone who hurt you who is now able to wield such influence over your son. I can relate. My situation is only different in the age of my son, so he's not yet causing a rift between us but he's trying. I often feel very scared about what the future holds in this area.   So I try and practice self-care and try not to let myself get too affected by the things I have no control over. Which is little consolation I'm sure, but I mostly wanted you to know you're not alone.   Would you consider giving Coaching a try? It's great for helping parents develop strategies to cope with what's happening with their teenagers and they might have some great ideas around how you can make sure your son doesn't start treating you in ways you're not ok with as a result of your ex's influence.   Click here to have a read about it. ... View more

Hey @joemad72   Such a hard situation for you all to be in. You because you need to protect your daughter and make sure she's safe, your aughter because I'm ure she has all sorts of conflicting feelings about this boy and their relationship and the boy because he's very likely a good kid who has no skills to be a good partner.   That doesn't mean there aren't things you can do though. I'm guessing from some of the words you use that you're in America. So I can't recommend any services but, what about finding a program around domestic violence and healthy relationships and supporting them both to attend? Do you think they would be willing to do that? People can change and they can make terrible mistakes and then redeem themselves but only if they get the support they need to do it. My approach would be, if he wasn't willing to engage in some pretty intensive personal growth through therapy or similar, that I would actively oppose the relationship and encourage my daughter to get out. Change is hard and virtually nobody makes significant changes of that type without lots of intensive support. That being said, if he access professional help, he could genuinely become a good partner. That kid you used to think was a good kid is still in there, he just has maladaptive behaviours he uses when he's upset. And there's nothing that presses our buttons and upsets us more than an intimate relationship.   What do you think?   ... View more

Hi @Mbfwt Thank you for speaking up and saying how you feel rather than leaving.  I feel confident that @Taeboogie meant no offense but I completely understand how it hurt you to read that. And thank you @waldo_pepper for your input.   We are very diligent here that we do NOT give out medical advice, but that works on BOTH sides of the argument. It is absolutely just as dangerous to tell a parent they shouldn't be using meds as it is to tell them they should.   I am both a parent and a worker in this field and I would NEVER assume to know what a family needs. That's for the family and their health professionals to decide. I do know there is a lot of misinformation out there about medication though. For both sides of the argument. Just like any organ in the body can develop with issues, so can the brain and we no longer have to watch people suffer through it without medication and help. I have worked with many young people that are very clear that their medication has saved their lives. Just as I have worked with families where parents have been scared and overly quick to medicate because of that fear. Ultimately though, my view is that the medication exists and is wonderful for the right people at the right times.  Please don't let one opinion affect how you feel about your situation @Mbfwt. You're doing an amazing job and only you and your child know exactly what is working.   @Taeboogie your opinion is very welcome here but please remember to always keep judgements to yourself and remember that everyone is doing it tough and we all need support, not criticism. ... View more

Hi @Turtle   Can I ask how long you've had this set up for? Just because I know that sometimes kids, especially of that age and younger, can take a while to adjust to new arrangements. So f it's new it might just take a little bit longer for him to become used to it.   How do you get along with the 7 year old? Could you offer to do the bedtime routine instead, by offering something like reading to him? ... View more

Hey @rupe1012001   Welcome to ReachOut Parents. Thank you for sharing your situation with us. I'm so sorry things are so hard for you and your family at the moment. You sound like you're at the end of your rope so I'm really hoping this community of parents who have all been through or are going through stuff that's not that different to what you're experiencing right now.   In my personal and professional opinion, I'm confident saying no, she's not just a bad egg. Because I don't believe kids are. But, as you well know now, that doesn't mean things are going to be easy.  One perspective that can be helpful is to think back to when she was a baby and how she communicated with you. She couldn't tell you what she needed, because she didn't know how, so she cried and you had to guess. Teenagers are a lot the same. They have no idea how to communicate to you what they need so they 'act out'and wait for you to guess.   Sometimes it can be really helpful to separate things out a bit so the wrong things don't get lumped together. For example, her naked shots ending up being shared around the school. That would have been devastating for her.  Even if she's conveying a view of 'who cares' I can almost guarantee you she does. It would have been a horrible betrayal of her trust. No girl sends a nude pic hoping it will be shown to a bunch of strangers. She's definitely guilty of poorly placed trust but is she being told that the person that shared her pic is more to blame than she is? Because according to legislation, he is.    I'm sure this feels like a small thing in among many other things but it can make a huge difference to how receptive a teenager is to hearing what they need to do if they feel like they aren't to blame for everything.   I've seen parents have really good outcomes when they start choosing their battles and letting some things go. For example, you might decide that it's not ever ok with you for her to speak to anyone in the family disrespectfully, but on the flip side, you might decide that her room being a mess isn't ideal but is something you can live with.  What that means is you now have one thing less to fight about without sacrificing what's important.   Does any of this sound helpful? When you say none of the things you've tried so far has helped can you identify where they've fallen short? Is it that you see no change in her behaviour or that they don't appeal to you as an approach?   The main reason I ask is so we don't suggest things that you feel won't work.       ... View more

hich she's currently feelimf Hi @Shikadesfarm   What a horrible situation for you and your kids to be in. I'm so sorry you have to go through this as a result of trying to help someone. You did a wonderful thing, opening your home to the young girl, so it's super yuck that it's ended so badly. Especially for your kids.   Do you think it might help your kids to understand why she's acting out like this by giving them some insight into her childhood and current situation? Maybe explaining how she doesn't have a loving home like they do or a supportive loving mum like they do and that she never learned how to manage feelings like a disappointment. Which she's currently feeling because of not being able to stay at your place.   What do you think? ... View more

zoesHi @DISTRESSEDMOM   I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you and your daughter at the moment. It's such an incredibly hard situation to be in. It's so natural for a parent to want to protect their child and it can be overwhelming to see them not just feeling bad but inflicting pain on themselves.   Just quickly, I made a tiny edit to your post. Just putting in self-harming instead of the other word you used, as that can be triggering for some. I hope that's ok. Also, I noticed your use of Mom, which tells me you're not based in Australia. That's fine too but it means we can't recommend any services to you.   Although it sounds like your daughter is engaging with services. Which is amazing!   It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Supporting her as best you can and getting her the help she needs.  My suggestion would be, regarding things like discipline and motivation for studies etc. is to try and get guidance from both your daughter and her psychologist. If you can open up a dialogue with your daughter so she feels that she can tell you what she needs and knows you'll hear her, that can really help you know how to respond to things. For example, if she behaves badly, there may be extenuating circumstances stemming from her anxiety or depression. It doesn't mean she's allowed to behave badly or treat you poorly but if you know her anxiety is really high, it will help you understand why she's not coping as well today or not responding as you would like her to. It's absolutely no different to kids with physical ailments. If she had chronic back pain you would expect her patience to be short when the pain is very bad. There just might be times when she's not completely in control of herself. Also, your daughter won't lose her sharp brain so she'll be able to study later!   There are definitely  parents here who have been through similar things @taokat  @Lily17   @Zoesplace ... View more

Hey @Bazinga That can be an incredibly hard situation to be in. As parents, we want to support our teenagers through their difficult times but when they're struggling with something like depression the lines are really blurred. Firstly, it can keep going for a long time so it's often not feasible to put everything on hold while they recuperate. And secondly, there's not one way of managing it. For some young people experiencing depression, clinical or otherwise, they need to rest and put down their commitments and just focus on themselves, for others they need to establish a routine and get back into life. Usually, teenagers in this situation are resistant to either and their resistance is not always a sign that this approach is the wrong one.   When my eldest was really struggling she needed to have all her responsibilities removed from her plate, except for study where she actually needed the reverse approach and needed help maintaining her study routine etc. I offered her many times the option of dropping out and just relaxing for a bit but it made her anxiety so much worse it was counterproductive.   So my questions for you are, what have you tried already? What's worked and what hasn't? And what does your daughter say she wants to do? ... View more

That's lovely to hear thanks @jphole I look forward to seeing you on the forums again soon.   :) ... View more

That's amazing thank you @Sophi-RO   By answering the questions that we hear most often, we now have a thread with all the most relevant information, here ready to be read by everyone. Which is amazing!   The only thing to add, which I'm sure everyone already knows is this service is completely FREE. All you need is a computer and a phone and a quiet spot to chat. You can schedule appointments before and after work as the coaches are available outside of standard office hours.   Thank you so so much to @taokat for all her usual amazing ness!! And a special thanks to @jphole and @Goleby and @the_ant65 for joining us tonight.   That's our hour. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the evening. Thanks so much for chatting with us tonight. Feel free to keep the chat going of there's anything more you want to add. ... View more

And by using them @taokat did you see changes? Did you feel like you were getting results? ... View more

So we're down to the last question of the night before we wrap up.   The one I get asked a lot is whether parents can do it twice. basically:   What if things don't get better or something else happens, can I do it again? What if I have a different issue with another child, can I do it again?   What's the current situation regarding this @Sophi-RO ? ... View more

The third Wednesday of every month @the_ant65   But, there is an awesome Friday night chat happening here on the forums too. Every week. Parents come and chat about different things.   A great way to connect and debrief at the end of the week and before the weekend!! ... View more

I wondering @taokat if you could answer a question that we get asked a lot Are the suggestions and strategies the coaches come up with achievable in the house? I think parents are worried that the advice will be great but it will be too hard to carry out.   How did you find it? ... View more

Hello @the_ant65 So nice to have you here!  Please feel free to just dive in and ask any question you have. ... View more

That's great @Sophi-RO  Thanks for clarifying that.   So the next set of questions relate to the content and what people get as as part of their 'Coaching Service'.   As has been said before there are 4 sessions provided the question is Are they related to each other or completely separate? Are they different topics etc? ... View more

That's wonderful @Goleby Don't hesitate to ask any questions later when you return.   have a great evening!! ... View more

That's wonderful to hear @taokat because many of the face to face services require the teenager to be compliant and engaged in the session. So families can be stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for the teenager to agree. Or they threaten to get them there and wonder why it doesn't work. ... View more

What about the partner or spouse @Sophi-RO because one of the questions sent through was  I'm married but my spouse doesn't want to do coaching does that matter?   What happens there? ... View more

I'm so sorry t hear that @Goleby but you've come to a great place to discuss it and get some support.   In fact, the service we're discussing here tonight is an ideal fit for a parent in a situation like yours.   It's completely free, delivered over the phone and helps you develop strategies around what's going on for them. ... View more

The reason I ask @jphole is that the coaching service we're discussing tonight could be ideal for this situation. It's a great way to build up skills to address specific issues. Like the one happening for you guys. That, and you can develop strategies to implement and uphold consequences etc. ... View more

That makes so much sense @Sophi-RO and it says a lot that it resonates with you @taokat considering you've done it.   So the next most common question I get is regarding the teenager being willing to engage.  Does that need to happen for the coaching to continue?   If My teenager wants nothing to do with this, does that matter? ... View more

That's a good approach @jphole he needs to understand the consequences of his choices. How do you feel your communication skills are with him? Do you feel comfortable / confident discussing this issue? ... View more

Hi @Goleby Welcome!! So glad to have you.   It's just a matter of clicking here and then following the instructions!   You just need to be in Australia.   You've arrived at a perfect time to find out more about it. Please feel free to ask any questions you have. ... View more

That's really tricky @jphole Identity, fitting in and feeling part of something is massive when we're adolescents. Do you have a sense of who his peers are and what they're into? ... View more

@jphole If you click here you'll see your original post and a reply / question I've written.   The only reason we keep them separate is to stop people getting confused but please have a read and write a reply there, we can absolutely discuss both tonight in each different spot. ... View more

That's awesome. Thanks @Sophi-RO Just continuing on that theme for a minute, I get asked a lot by parents Is it just another name for counselling? And often what they mean is, I am already doing counselling, I don't need to see another. Also, today I had a Dad message who was signing up for coaching and started to get concerned that he was signing up for counselling. What he wrote to me was that he didn't feel like discussing his child hood etc and wanted to see if that's what it was.   So is it just more counselling? ... View more

Hi @jphole So great to have you here.  Please ask any questions you want to. :)   ... View more

Hey @jphole I can imagine how concerning it would be, watching your son be driven by compulsion like that over clothing etc. Although this doesn't address the earlier issue of stealing, in terms of a future solution, could he get a job to fund his own fashion exploits?? ... View more