Is it okay to ignore my son's pot smoking, at least for a little while?

[beehive]

So almost two weeks ago week I had the hardest discussion with my 17 year old ever - I had to confront him about his self-harming.   I was blissfully ignorant of the fact, one of his friends reached out to me out of concern.  I had assumed it was a new thing triggered by a bad event that had recently happened but when I confronted him, he admitted it had been going on for months.  He agreed to therapy and we have started him on that, I was not in on the session and I am currently looking for someone to help me too.  My insurance is kind of limited and I don't want to see the same person as him.  anyhow, yesterday I found a lighter and eye drops in his drawer which led me to search further and found pot.  I thought I knew this kid, I thought  I was a good mother, ugh, I am feeling like such a failure.  I thought I knew this boy.  Thing is, my family is full of alcohol and drug addicts, I do not go near either because I know we are genetically predisposed to addiction. Kind of abhor drinking really from my experiences.   I know I need to have a sit down, but I feel like I just need a break.  Is it okay to let this one slide a bit?  I'm already worried that  he's self harming at night.  Now I have to worry if he's getting high when he's out with friends.     

[Nick-RO]

Hi there @beehive and so lovely to have you here on the forums!

Before I talk about your post I just wanted to mention something

I am guessing from some of the things that you talk about in your post that you don't live in Australia where we are located and this means that I won't be able to recommend any specific services for you but I am so happy that you found us here and I hope that this amazing community of parents can help you out by supporting you through all of this!

With that being said, my heart goes out to you.  You have a lot on your plate at the moment and I completely get where you are coming from about needing a break and wanting to let things slide - but at the same time it is only natural that as a parent you are going to worry about your son using cannabis - especially as you have some well-thought-out concerns around this kind of activity.

The huge positive in this situation is that your son has started therapy and this might open all kinds of avenues for communication with him down the line as he starts on that process. This might mean that he might be more receptive to you when you start to talk to him about your concerns and start to talk about what household boundaries you would like to set around this when you are both ready? 

It seems to me that what is also weighing on you is that you feel like a 'failure' for not picking up on any of this earlier - is that fair? 

[taokat]

Hi @beehive, and welcome to ReachOut! 

I completely relate to your worry and concerns about your son's self harming and his cannabis use. Although my daughter isn't interested in drugs, she was a self harmer, and it was so upsetting for me. Like you I felt like a bad mother, blaming myself for not being able to make my daughter happy, as well as not being able to stop the self harming - immediately. It's so fantastic that your son is getting help, that's so proactive of both of you, and the first step to healing. 

I used to go through my daughter's bedroom and remove anything I could find that could be used. We talked about the dangers around self harming and the often life long consequences. My daughter's counsellor got us to try ice on the skin, or a rubber band on the wrist that could be flicked to give the same sensation. My daughter opted for the latter, and along with counselling, she no longer harms herself. Maybe he could try one of those options as an alternative? 

I like @Nick-RO's suggestion that therapy could help your son be more receptive to your rules around smoking pot, which are absolutely valid. The longer he uses it and the more he gets used to being allowed to use it, it may make it more difficult to change that standard that's been set, so maybe that could be a priority with the counsellor? I'm also not sure of the legalities where you are? That would also be something I'd take into account in deciding which way you'll go with that one. 

You've done what you can to get help and support since finding out about your son's struggles and I think that shows what a loving mum you are and how much you care about being the best mum you can be for him. Please take a moment to acknowledge that in yourself. Teens can be very good at hiding things from us, so please don't feel like a failure. 

I also completely relate to the emotional exhaustion you're feeling. There must be so much going through your mind right now and so many worries to deal with. Is there anything you do to take care of yourself? We're often the last one's we think of, but by caring for ourselves we can better look after those around us. 

[beehive]

Thank you for your reply, I think boundaries are a good idea.   when I think back to being a teen, it is unreasonable to expect him not to experiment with alcohol or drugs,  what mostly concerns me at this point is the self harm.  I'm concerned if he's under the influence he may do serious damage simply because he can't feel it enough or doesn't have the same level of control if high.  We are talking in small bits and, honestly, the whole self harming is draining me, I'm not feeling like I have the energy to add cannabis onto it right now, but feel like we need to talk about that too.   We are not in Australia but cannabis and alcohol are legal at 21 and yes, mostly a failure because I had no idea this was going on and the fact that it is going on.  

[beehive]

Thank you so much Taokat! Your post made me feel a little less lonely. I have read about ice and rubber bands but was not sure if that was really a thing, to know your daughter's therapist recommended and that it helped her makes me feel hopeful. I so relate to what you said about going through your daughter's room, everything to me seems like a tool and I'm awake half the night wondering if he's up hurting himself in his room. I have not been doing much to take care of myself. In fact I have been down right letting myself go, trying to work on that too.

[taokat]

Hey @beehive, I'm so glad you feel less lonely and have a couple of alternatives to mention to your son. I had everything sharp in the house hidden away. I didn't ever have a conversation with her about searching her room either, I just used to do it. And if she ever notice she didn't say anything to me. 

There's a great resource here on self harm and teenagers I wanted to share with you. I know the services mentioned are Australian so won't be of help but the information is still relevant. Let me know what you think.

It's so easy to let ourselves go when we're worried or stressed. Everything feels like an effort. I promise you though you'll have more strength if you can take some time out for yourself. Book yourself in for a massage or to have your hair or nails done. Or go for a walk or to the movies. Whatever makes you feel good. You're worth it and you'll thank yourself