Mental Health Battle & Defiant 16 year old

[HeartBrokeMa]

I will start by saying my 16 years old daughter and I have always been really close up until about 2-3 months ago. She has always had some issues with anxiety and had some past trauma due to her father and my unhealthy relationship and breakup. However a huge change came when It was found out that my daughter was smoking weed and had not talked to me about it. I confronted her and we talked about my concerns etc. Then a short time later I find out that she has lost her virginity(year ago). Not only was this a complete shock(she had not even talked about a first kiss yet;This was both) but she had continued to see this boy this whole past year!!! Letting him in our home into her bed which she shared with her sister. To top it all off he is a pedophile 18 and was physically and emotionally abusing my child!!! Since this has all been out and confronted things with her have only gotten worse. I asked her if she was still talking to him and she said no. Asked the last time and she said a long time ago. Went through her phone she just talked to him a day before and had just lied. Then it gets worse again. Filthy things in her Snapchat from him and pictures of her to him. My heart was broken. I called the police to see if I could do anything since he was 18. That fell through. Took her phone and her car. Then she starts becoming depressed all the time. Not doing her hair or makeup, not wanting to even wash her hair. I hve given my daughter a lot of coping tools and as I have went through my mental health degree myself over the past three years I hve shared with her the knowledge I have learned developmental wise. The past week she has all of the sudden decided she doesn’t want me to be her mother. Said she has already mentally divorced me so might as well make it official with emancipation. She has taken off in her car with icy roads in a rage(called the police). I attempted to file a youth in crisis petition with the court but she put on an act with the therapist and hospital saying she was fine and made false allegations that I was physically and emotionally abusive!!! It has become a complete mess. She has two younger teenage siblings and this is causing some serious issues. They see her mood swings and her younger sister informed me of her puking after she eats. I had noticed her weight drop and other things with eating that had not seen normal. I had conversations with her about the not eating before. I let her stay with my brother for a week after the court got canceled for a full psych eval which is what I wanted. She was home 4 hours. When I told her I emailed her school counselor(she’s always said she liked her) and asked her to pull her to talk to her she freaked out. Saying it was none of their business and I was trying to embarrass her and then it escalated right to me being a loar(I had said a fresh start when she came home) I explained I did trust her but her safety was first and I had to make sure she was at school and ok. She continued to ask to talk to a sheriff and could not stop. Eventually I called the police to intervene. I requested she go to the youth shelter so I could try and contact DHS and get her a psych eval. Then it gets worse she tells the cop she will go and then last minute refuses and tells the cop she never said she would. Then back to wanting to emancipate me. The cop pulled me aside and said if she refuses to go to the shelter they can’t make her. So I opt to have her go with my mom which has ended up with her going to my brothers where she is spoiled. Oh and to top the rest off she told the police I was off my medications and crazy. What is this kid going to try next!? Why is she attacking me? I have always been there for her-Always. Please anyone who has dealt with any merging like this help me learn what to do. My heart is broken and my baby is ruining our relationship.

[Hannah-RO]

Hi @HeartBrokeMa 

Thank you for sharing what has been going on for your family, this is so much to be going through, my heart really goes out to you. It sounds like a lot of what has been happening has been really shocking for you and that must be so tough, its hard to manage those feelings when we find out unexpected things about our loved ones and you clearly really care about your daughter and her safety.

I understand that the police haven't provided a lot of assistance in terms of the man your daughter has been interacting with, you are within your right to contact child protective services about your concerns, is this something you would like to consider?

It sounds like your daughter is going through so much in terms of her mental health and that you're really worried about her. Its great that you have completed a mental health degree and have been able to share your knowledge with her. I'm wondering how things are between you two when she stays with your brother? Sometimes having a little bit of distance can aid in communication and trust - of course this is not the case for everyone, but I'm wondering if that could be a possibility for you? I'm going to link a content piece here about communicating with teenagers that could have a few good tips in it for you, and another piece here about teens and trust.

Its great that you have been trying to engage your daughter in a variety of support, its so tough when these aren't working or when our loved ones don't want to engage with them. Has the school been supportive through this time? Sometimes schools are able to provide support and guidance, I'm wondering if this is something that could be helpful?

I hope some other parents are able to provide some support here @HeartBrokeMa and that you're able to take some time for yourself