Miss 16 must hate me

[Lunabear]

My first husband and I had three children aged (now) Miss 16, Mr 14 and Miss 13. We have been divorced for five years.

I have since remarried in March 2022 & Miss 16 and my new husband don’t get along. Whilst I could easily sit here and blame my ex who has brain washed her, I’m aware my current husband isn’t faultless, nor myself either.

I used to have all my kids 60% of the time but since April 2023 Miss 16 has chosen to stay at her fathers., I rarely see her, and generally the only times I do is for her birthday or Christmas - not for any other reason than she always pulls the pin on me at the last moment :-(… even despite a catch up only between me and her with no one else, she still comes up with a last minute reason why she can’t see me.

This is breaking me.

I reach out to her & it just seems she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

What has provoked my post tonight, is in the last month she has offered to come and stay at my place for 2 separate nights and obviously on both occasions she has pulled the pin despite these being nights when my new husband was going to be out of town. I just can’t wrap my head around why she would do this because she keeps telling me that she just a problem she has with my new husband but nothing against me. But this action indicates the problem is me but no one will tell me what or why or anything. She doesn’t even seemingly want to see her grandfather (my father) anymore.

Tonight Mr. 14 told me that Miss 16 says she will offer to stay at my place but pull the pin at the last minute so she doesn’t seem rude to me because at least she is offering.??!!

I feel so hurt and angry. I’ve extended the olive branch so many times, I have bent over backwards to do anything that’ll make her happy..then I realised she has only followed through seeing me on occasions where she will get a gift from me and it could be just fluke but….I dunno.
Her father is absolutely no help and not supportive or encouraging of her to have a relationship with me.

How do I fix this?

On the bright side, Mr 14 and Miss 13 are unphased by all of this. They are aware it is happening but it does not change how they see me thankfully. They do say Miss 16 gives her father a hell of a (bad) time and is quite bogged down with daily dramas with friends etc.

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Lunabear welcome to the community and thanks for sharing what's been happening between you and Miss 16.

It sounds like it was so hurtful to hear that Miss 16 did not actually intend to stay at your place but was trying to spare your feelings. Especially after you've tried so hard to connect with her. It's sounds like you're also feeling unsupported in your attempts to reconnect with her, with her father not being encouraging about her having a relationship with you. It makes sense you'd be feeling frustrated and like this is breaking you after repeatedly extending the olive branch. 

Have you had the chance to talk to Miss 16 about what Mr 14 told you and how you've been feeling? It's possible there could be more to the Miss 16's side of the story but it's difficult because you don't get the chance to communicate directly with her. 

I can hear how much you're wanting to fix the situation and are still wanting to connect with Miss 16. You've shown so much resilience and patience in supporting her as well as your other children.

I'm wondering if you've been able to talk to anyone you trust, or even a professional about how you're feeling? I can hear how overwhelming this is when you say it's breaking you. We have a 1 on 1 coaching service you might find helpful to talk through what's been happening, and of course you're welcome to continue to connect on here as well. 

We have some resources on self-care as well, and an article about having a difficult conversation with your teen which you might like to check out

I hope you find the community a safe and supportive place

[Lunabear]

Thanks for your reply @Astra-RO

I haven’t had a chance to speak to Miss 16 about what Mr 14 told me tonight, as much as I would like to ask that question of Miss 16, I don’t want to betray Mr 14’s trust either.

Discussing this with anyone is honestly troublesome for me too. Most of my friends are also still friends with my ex (we still share a workplace) and I don’t want others to think I’m throwing him under the bus, despite my ex constantly throwing me under one to anyone who’ll listen.
I wasn’t aware of the 1v1 coaching service, I’ll be sure to check it out though. Thanks!!

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Lunabear you're welcome! I'm glad to hear you'll take a look at our coaching service.

It makes sense you feel unable to talk to your friends as they're also friends with your ex. I'm hearing that you feel you don't have anyone you're comfortable confiding in about this, which sounds really tough.

I'm wondering if connecting with professional supports around the situation with Miss 16 could be helpful as they can provide a confidential space to speak freely in? Our coaching service is just one example, but you could also check out Relationships Australia, or the Family Relationships Advice Line.

It's understandable you don't want to betray Mr 14's trust by asking Miss 16 directly about this as well. It sounds like a really tricky situation to navigate

[Lunabear]

Thanks again for the reply.

I'll keep trying to make an appointment for the one on one service (so far the appointment times don't fit).