My 16-year-old daughter is so naive

[Lekino]

Hi JAKGR8, thank you for your reply, much appreciated. I do need some time away without my daughter interrupting our daily routines. She has left me a nice message on my phone yesterday. It said " Hi mum, hope everything is going good. I don't expect you to reply or to ask how I am, just wanted to say that I miss you and love you. Have a great day XO". I have answered that rash decisions such as hers are the never the right decisions, that she should have stayed home and spoken to us about any troubles she may have had, to better her relationship with all of us. That a relationship with a boyfriend would have been possible while living at home and following the rules. I also told her that it is just a sad thing she has done.

I am just tired of repeating to her that what she is doing isn't right, not at her age. I think she needs to really feel now that while she thinks she is all so grown up, she is not. She thinks that we should accept what she is doing and have  a great relationship with her. That will not happen. That is a fairy tale really at her age. 

I have told her in the past that we do realise that one day she would leave home, but it should have been when she was at least a little ready to leave, like after education was finished, or she had a job to support herself. I have told her over and over that there was at least one thing she had to ensure when leaving home and that was that she would not have to rely on other people/ finance for her own upkeep. To make sure that she could independently stand on her two legs, while still getting guidance and help from us when times were to be difficult. She has not listened to that advise and so needs to learn now that there can't be any happy interactions as long as she is out there doing whatever she wants. I cannot agree with anything she is doing and so cannot reward her with paying her lunch or coffee or other things. If I would still help her, she will not learn that her decision to leave was more than wrong. She has run away for extended periods before, grass is greener on the other side, always came back and that time I did support her a little bit, but not anymore. This is also different as she was not attached to any of those other people, now she is as she thinks she loves the boyfriend, who is just using her as all the others did for his own reasons. That is why we need stricter laws in regards to children or minors as we all know that their brains are not equipped yet to make sound decisions and that there are many people out there trying to benefit from the fact that some children/minors put themselves at risk. There are a lot of predators out there and so, I will never understand that there aren't any stricter laws regarding minors in this country. She knows that she can text me but she does not get priority in replies. I will reply when I have time, such as yesterday as I was attending a course and could have written her during breaks, but I only wrote back after the course was finished. 

I do think she is learning that not all is roses and moon shine and when she will be going back to school after Easter, repeating year 10 as she really "stuffed" that one up last year, though we enrolled her in a private school, she will realise that it will be very hard to keep up with everything with no parental support. She will also come into school again (state school) with kids younger than her as well as in the second term. these are consequences she will need to face as we did not want to help her enrolling in school, after she left a week before it started again. We paid a lot of money in the private school last year and she hardly attended and did not take part in the exams, claiming she did not know enough. 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Lekino 

Reading back through your posts from this last week, my heart really goes out to you and your family Such a challenging circumstance and I can hear how powerless you have felt under lack of legislation to protect minors over 16 and lack of choice in your daughter's actions. 

There have been lots of posts from other parents ready to be a listening ear  I was also wondering if you would be interested in our parents coaching service? ReachOut offer one on one support to parents around a particular issue they are facing with their teens. Do you think this might be helpful?

How did it feel to get the text from you daughter? I can hear that you are really wanting her to see the impact of her actions and see the bigger picture  What are you doing to look after yourself through this difficult time? Has there been anything that has helped you manage the feelings of anger and pain you have been feeling?

We are all thinking of you  Please feel free to check in with us whenever you need to chat. I know that there are so many parents posting to this community forum and reading your posts who can relate to what you are going through- you are never alone 

[Lekino]

Hi Taylor-RO, Thank you for your reply. It sure has been a very hard time and still is. It seems to have become a habit of her to respond with running away whenever SHE has done something wrong. She has lied about lots of things to many people. Such as that she won titles in rodeo with her horse (when she never even participated in such events), such as "my father hurt my foot, so that is why I ran away, she said to the police". She did not realise that police would charge my husband with child abuse when he had done nothing wrong. She did withdraw it and charges were dropped but it isn't nice that you are charged with something that you did not do and the list goes on. This is what is wrong in this country, police just believes women and children, due to those domestic violence laws. Men can be charged with abuse as well in this country and charged when they have done nothing wrong and women are supposed to be the "weaker" person, so they are right.  They do not even need to prove it. It is no wonder that there are so many depressed people (mostly men) in Australia and it is for a great deal due to laws that do not make sense. I have known a few males myself who have committed suicide because of this. 

I cannot see my daughters view really as she does not really know herself why. It has just become a habit, using running away as a problem solving solution and it never is, rash decisions and then she is too proud to admit it. She would say she hasn't got enough freedom at home, while she is gone, every day, during holidays, but has times to be home. The last month she was gone with the boyfriend most days and would call that she would not be home for dinner rather than asking permission before leaving. The boyfriend has a lot to do with it as he only wants the benefits and could not care less about what the parents of his girlfriend thought or said. 

I have told her that she can write and I will read but I will not tell her I agree when I don't. She reckons that we need to do all sorts of things together as a family, so meaning, she wants the benefits but will not contribute. That will not work with me, not at her age. she is far from being an adult and her benefiting from centrelink really sits very badly with me. We are two hard working parents and we do not like young people who are learning that they can get money without working for it. It does not teach them anything. 

I have called parent line a few times. They have no answer other than just repeating the something over and over, "yes, they have many choices today or can you call legal aid?" My daughter has called kids line in the past and those people on the phone have no idea who they are speaking to, yet they believe a child or teen when they say that they are being "abused" at home. It really does me in. They quickly learn from others what they need to say so they are able to run away and do what they please. they quickly learn that police can't do anything and that child services can't force them to live somewhere. they quickly learn they hold the power over all the adults. It is just so wrong. It is manipulation. they no longer need to do what they are told to do as all us older people had to do when we grew up. I would not have gotten away with anything kids are getting away with today. A minority of kids in this country are probably being abused and all the rest has to pay for it. At the end of the day, all of us parents have to admit that we can only have "hope" that our children will do the right thing, we do no longer hold the right or have the assurance that they have to do right. And as a result whole families suffer, siblings, parents as well as the child or teenager. why is everything so confusing? 

[Lekino]

Hi Jess1-RO, 

Thank you for your reply. It is indeed the most challenging situation for all of us. It also changes the behaviour of my 11 year old daughter. Even when kids are only 13, they are not protected and very vulnerable for predators.

i do know about the parent coaching. Thank you. It would really be great.

i am not doing much other than getting on with my business, which keeps me busy and i have one friend I talk to regularly. i don't really have many friends here. I had a few in Victoria and of course in Belgium, but they are all far away.

I know I am not alone and I wish I was in a way as it really is something that should not be able to happen. I feel sorry for all those people. I do remember as a 13 year old that there was something my parents had said or done I considered unfair. Probably got the blame for something my sister did and I was thinking that I was going to run away, haha. But we knew there was nowhere to run as we could not live anywhere else than at home or with family with (parental consent of course) until we turned 18. In a way that was much easier than to have a choice. If you don't have a choice you can't choose the wrong one and regret it for the rest of your life.

[Lekino]

Hi Jess1-RO,

 I am sorry if I have missed a reply. I can't seem to find anything. Thanks.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Lekino, thanks for responding and answering my question! It was insightful and helped to explain the situation a bit more. It does sound like a very frustrating and powerless situation to be in. It is great to see that you have kept the lines of communication open with your daughter.

If you feel that your behaviour of your 11 year old has changed, perhaps you could use the parent coaching service with them? It might help to explore this with them sooner rather than later

Do you know of any parent support groups that are local to your area? Would you find it helpful to find a parenting support group from those who had a similar upbringing arrangement to you? Just an idea Your business must keep you very occupied, it can't be easy juggling all of that. Is there anyone that helps you out when things get hard to manage? It can be a shame to lose friends when you have moved around so much but online support can still help you through this. Do you chat to your friend a lot about what is going on? Have they been helpful?

[Lekino]

Hi Taylor-RO,

There is no parent group here, as I am in a country town in Queensland. Everything is situated in bigger cities. I have to make a time to talk to someone in the coaching area, as I have to have 1,5 hours. I have commenced some studies as well and managing work, a whole lot of projects at home and house work and 11 -year old are making it hard to get that time. My 11-year-old has done bad at school. We had a chat with the teacher who told us that she can perform really well when he sits her apart from the rest. It is just that she talks all the time. We know she can do well and at home she sometimes does, cleaning up her room etc. She is just lost without her sister though her sister wasn't always very good to her. She says however that she is very angry at her sister. This is affecting her far more than anyone realises. My older daughter had offered to look after her in the Easter holidays but I declined that. I don't want my 11-year-old anywhere near that bloke and in his house. 

My 16-year-old has started school again, doing year 10 over now. It is really sad because I know she has the capacity to do great. She sent me a txt, asking for her laptop for school. I have declined. She has not yet replied. On the one hand, I feel nasty, but on the other I just don't want her to think that what she is doing is just ok and she can ask me for all she needs whilst she is getting centrelink payments and not contributing to anything at home. Her horse is walking forlorn in its paddock. She is costing us a lot of money which was fine when she was being used and my daughter has  had great fun with her. I think we will sell her later on.  I still feel sad but also angry, it won't leave me. It has just been over three months now. My friend here is listening which helps, but I don't really have any friends to go out with and have fun with here yet. It would be good to be able to chat with people on here directly, but I don't know if that is at all possible. 

I don't have any help. My sisters both live in Belgium and my cousin 500 km away. My mom died years ago at the age of 44 otherwise, I am sure, she would have been here for me. 

I am not sure what you mean by a similar upbringing like mine? I had a great childhood, but when I was 15,5, my mom got really sick and died 4,5 years later which has been really really hard on us all. My youngest brother was 23 when he committed suicide, 10 years after my mom died. In the same year my mom died, my very best ever friend had a terrible accident and did not survive a three week coma. I lost my oldest brother a few years ago at 47 and my stepsister as well. My father re-married 5 years after my mom's death. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Lekino, thanks for your response. It is a shame there is no parent's support groups nearby. You sound like you are keeping yourself very busy and of course, you have your hands full with your other daughter too. How are you looking after your mental health and these feelings of sadness and anger? I can only imagine it must be difficult to hold these feelings over such a long period of time It would be very hard for your other daughter to be without her sister. I imagine it must get a little lonely even if they did not quite get along with each other. Do they have any contact at all? Unfortunately the parent's forum is anonymous and so there is no private messaging between users here.

Sorry if you have taken offence, it sounds like you dealt with a lot of loss in your childhood. That must have been so challenging and heart-breaking for yourself and your family. What I meant by 'similar upbringing' is that you mentioned a lot about your home country.. and how it differs to Australia. I thought it might be reassuring to speak to any contacts/parent support groups you may have in your home country. It could help to vent out your frustrations that way.