New member, we are drowning.

[Runningonempty]

Hi,
I am mum 45, with dad 46 and two daughters 15 (16 in May) and daughter 14.
For the past 18 months our eldest daughter has become somebody we don’t know. Her behaviours and anttitudes are devestating, including significant school refusal, drug use and extreme violence. We have exhausted all avenues in terms of support and as she is not indicating self harm behaviour there is not much we can do. She refuses medical and psychological intervention. Repeatedly we have had referrals which she simply refuses to attend. Her school have been amazing in terms of additional support and exemptions from assessments. My husband, her father, took almost a year off work last year to be at home as support. Nothing has or is working. The toll on all of us is mental, physical and financial. We want to support our daughter no matter what, but we are at a point now where our mental health is in serious decline, our younger daughter is not coping, our ability to maintain our professional lives to support ourselves is becoming impossible and the constant stress of what tomorrow will bring is overwhelming and hindering any opportunity to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would never want to give up on my child, but we are finding it very difficult to be supportive whilst experiencing physical and verbal abuse, theft and chaos. We are at breaking point. Thanks for reading.

[Bel_RO]

Hey @Runningonempty,

Welcome to the ReachOut forums and thank you for sharing what you’re going through! I can see how taxing things have been for you and your family. Enduring challenging behaviour, violence and abuse for the past 18 months would be exhausting to say the least, so it’s completely valid to be at your breaking point. I can hear that you’ve put in a tremendous amount of effort to support your eldest daughter, including your husband taking an extended period of time off work. It is really admirable to see the lengths you both have taken to help your daughter despite her reluctance to follow through. 

It would be incredibly challenging to manage your own wellbeing while caring for your two daughters. I can see that this has had a mental, physical and financial impact on your family. I am wondering if you and your husband have spoken to friends or family about what has been going on? I am also curious if you and your husband have any professional support? I can also see that your youngest daughter is not coping with all that is happening. Does she have any professional support as well? 

If you feel comfortable, I encourage you to connect with ReachOut’s 1:1 free and confidential parent coaching and Carer Gateway who offer coaching, tips, and counselling for you and your husband. 

An email has also been sent to you so please keep an eye out for that!

[Orbit64]

Hi @Runningonempty 

We had a very similar story with our son. He was the younger of  two children. Daughter 2 years older. At about 13 our delightful son started changing into a person we did not recognise. The description of your daughter’s behaviour rings so true to what we experienced.

My thoughts?

Firstly look after yourself, your relationships and your other daughter.

This forum offered us an avenue of support that was not available in our personal community. In fact, it was the best resource we found that helped us survive the worst times of 8 years of anguish and trauma.

Many of our close friends and family fled. They simply did not have a way they thought would help. So they simply stayed away. We kept our closest friends informed as to what was happening. That helped us and them understand a little of what we were going through  

Other thoughts?

You are the expert on your daughter. We found little to no useful support or advice from “experts”. If you do seek “expert” support, be very specific in asking what approach they will take to assist your daughter. We paid a lot for counselling services that showed no positive outcome or improvement. 

We took the following approach.

Do everything we could to help our son within our capability and understanding at the time. I did not want to look back and say “we should have done that!”

He is 21 now. He is still not “out of the woods yet”, however we see some changes that are the most positive in 8 long years.

There are many things I would do in a different way now. However, I stand without regret knowing we did our best at the time.

That is all we could do. I hope my comments are of some help in the most difficult and terrible time for you, your partner and both of your daughters.

[Astra-RO]

Hey @Orbit64 thank you for sharing your journey and some of the biggest learnings you discovered parenting through an extremely difficult 8 years with your son. I can really see the resilience and dedication shown supporting your son, despite trauma and setbacks you and your family encountered. This is really powerful to see and I'm sure your post will be reassuring for other parents reading it also. I did want to let you know I've made some minor edits to your post so it aligns with our guidelines.

[Orbit64]

Hi @Runningonempty
If you have not read it, the books by Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson may be helpful as it is Australian researched and authored.

The Boys version gave us a starting framework to understand a bit better what was going on with our son.

[Orbit64]

Hi @Runningonempty 

I wrote about a lot of the useful resources we found that helped us when my son was about 16. I’ve dug through my old posts and found another resource that was helpful to us. What follows is a copy from one of my previous posts. 

*************************************************************

Recently my wife and I were at a real low in what has been a 2 1/2 journey with our son. He is now 16, has not lived with us for almost a year now. There are all sorts of complex issues to deal with and we have struggled recently with ideas to change the way we communicate to him.    We were doing and saying much the same thing over and over. He is doing the same thing over and over, just getting worse and worse.    We had to do something to flip or change our approach and thinking. After all we have tried, our son’s situation continues to deteriorate.     Nothing we have said, done or tried, has changed the outcome for him.    The purpose of my post is to communicate a resource we found that has provided a whole new set of ideas for us to help with the way we think and communicate to our son.    Search talkingtoteens  We found lots of ideas in several of the podcasts that really helped us. One podcast that really hit the mark for us was about ”empathic confrontation” yes and the site and most of the resources are from the US.    Just another of the many resources that may or may not work for and help other parents. 

[Marimo-RO]

Hi @Orbit64 ,

Thank you for sharing a variety of resources that you have found helpful during your own parenting journey. Reading your post can be a validating experience for other parents in the community and I really appreciate your openness in sharing your story. 

I wanted to let you know that I've edited your post in accordance with our community guidelines.

[Orbit64]

Hi
Post deleted by author.

Your respectfully.

[Amethyst_19]

I feel you, I really do. Going through similar with my Miss 15. I don’t have any advice but know you’re not alone.

[weshareyourpain]

Every word rings true for our family also. Our just 18 yr old daughter is consumed by an eating disorder which has her crossing all boundaries...the exhaustion, fear , relentless parental pain. We are trying to adopt the concept of "radical acceptance " in order to find some peace and hope? I have no magical words but empathise with your family