Our 14 year old son is hitting us...

[Faob_1]

Hi everyone, thankyou for your expressions of concern. They are greatly appreciated. It has been an up and down week. Son has been tolerable although he gave us his 'log of claims' last week, which we asked for a couple days to discuss and consider. We gave him our 'counter claim', at which he threw yet another spectacular tantrum! This time as he was hiding in the bathroom in tears, my husband decided to make it very very clear, in the language son is choosing to use towards us, that he had to understand that some things, such as going to SA on the expedition, attending school and getting his head together were simply non-negotiable. And if he had taken the time to consider our 'claim' he would realise that we had been more than generous and were willing to provide more than he had asked for! So, after that he even tried to apologise to me and give me a hug! He has tried to be civil since and even tried a few hugs. Even came home within 15 mins of his self suggested curfew last night!  But, we don't think he attended school at all yesterday despite him coming home in school uniform. School marked him as absent for the day, so he is still lying to us. 

He has read over his camp packing list and checked his dad's bushwalking boots fit, so that is something. I am at the point with counselling I am meant to be finding positive things to say to him. In all honesty, that is nigh on impossible. When someone one day tries to hit you in the face with a cupboard door flung full force, lies, steals, absconds from school, it is hard to find much good to see in that behaviour. 

So now I have to write a letter for him to read on camp. I have drafted one full of the vitriol I feel, then another where I have tried to sandwich the bad between a couple positives. Not much of it feels honest. So my mission this weekend is to use my best knowledge of rhetoric to write something I hope will make a difference, despite my nagging thoughts of doubt.

still hoping he gets on that plane on Monday morning. Husband is willing to book a ticket tomorrow if there is any hint he is about to abscond.

still here, trying to breathe. 

[Beingme2017]

hi @Faob_1 certainly sounds like there has been a positive shift in these last few days overall.

What do they say is the purpose of the letter ? My initial thought is to be as honest as possible.  Theres no doubt this has been a distressing time for you all as a family, and his actions, choices and behaviour have impacted everyone in a negative way. There has been some very serious issues going on.

Do you think it would be a better environment for him to read and process your honest thoughts?  With some distance, and away from everyone it may be a very sobering time for him - and may open him up to really seeing things from a different perspective.  I think that letter will be very helpful in the journey.

How has your daughter been these last couple of weeks. The HSC trials are coming up aren't they?

[taokat]

You guys really have been put through the wringer @Faob_1. I agree with all @Beingme2017 has said, and I think an honest letter to your son could be very beneficial, and if he'll be reading it at camp, he'll have trained people around him to help him accept and process. 

One helpful thing I learned, was to try and separate my feelings and be aware it was my daughter's behaviour I didn't like. Similar to you, I had many times when I believed I hated my daughter and had nothing more for her, but I was lucky to have a caseworker who drummed into me it was her behaviours I didn't like. I was hurting. I felt like I'd lost my beautiful child, and my times of being able to accept a hug didn't always match up to her times of offering one. It's really hard. And when your child has been violent towards you and so disrespectful, it's heartbreaking after all the love we've given them over their lifetime. 

Looking at photos of her when she was little always reminded me that I did love her incredibly. And I do believe that you have mountains of love for your son under all the sadness, hurt and anger. You guys are doing everything you can to help your son. He is very lucky to have you both. Maybe have some photos out while you write your letter? Photos always dissolved my anger into tears and softened my hard heart.

You and your husband are doing a fabulous job remaining united and consistent, and I hope you are able to recognise that in yourselves. 

Keep in touch, we're here to support you in supporting your son. I hope that while he's away at camp you can have a breather and recharge.