hi @Ilovemichael   our kids are changing so much at the moment that its hard to keep up with friends and friends groups sometimes.   Maybe the kid in the street started being friends with people your son didn't like? Or spent more time in sport? Hard to know isn't it. My daughter who is 16 is worried as her large friend group (very different to my son) is breaking into smaller groups as some try alcohol, hanging out in parks etc, others into other things, more are in relationships. Change - not easy to navigate with everything else going on in their world   Would he open up if you chatted to him about for example the boy in the street. Maybe start talking about the street etc and casually ask have you seen him lately? Often those conversations are good for the car when you aren't face to face haha ... View more

Hi @Ilovemichael   That sounds like its a tough situation for your son. Great that he enjoys family time (the irony is that I have posted about my teens HATING family time) .....   Just to clarify what happened with another boy at school last year? Was that a typo or if not what is billing?   Does he have online friends? I know that my son who doesn't really fit in easily with a lot of other kids has many online friends that of course are not the same but certainly fulfil a lot of the social needs we have as humans. And maybe if any of those online friends have similar interests and don't live too far away they could even meet up ? (Once the person is thoroughly checked out that they are who they are of course).   It is worrying when our teens are not comfortable in social groups, we just want to see them happy - but also some people are more introverted and gain their energy from their own company - or are just less socially geared than others. He may be like that all his life with a  couple of close friends, or it may be a stage he is going through (and boy do our teens go through every stage imaginable and then some!)   Either way he clearly has a loving family and lots of support there which is wonderful - so I reckon keep him aware of his strengths, stay connected with him and he will work it out ... View more

thanks @taokat and @bristol_1   What if they really resist the idea of even a board game or family movie? between the 3 of them the responses range from   "I don't want to" "i am in the middle of something " "i don't want to play a game im not 5" "you cant make me"   edited to add - and one says nothing but sits their stony faced throughout whole experience.   the others if I do make them act bored and uninterested. So Rude!   These are actually paraphrases but you get the idea. And I just don't have the willpower anymore to try and battle. I feel like the last thing I want to do after I have battled, debated, cajoled and convinced or forced 3 teens to play a game is to play the game!!! ... View more

Hi @Ariesgal2017   Thankyou for sharing what is a huge day in your life! Im not sure if you have already met up with him due to the time difference here in Australia.   What I would say is - just be yourself. Be proud of how far you have come. Show the emotions you feel...the sense of loss and also sense of hope for the future.   Not sure if you decided on a letter but I think that's beautiful and maybe a photo you may have from when he was a baby if you still have?   Look forward to hearing how the reunion was... ... View more

hi @bradyblend   The ability of teens to guilt trip us into insanity is incredible isn't it! My 16 year old daughter does the same. About everything. I think LITERALLY they believe the world revolves around them. And if it isn't happening every minute - they strike out. At us!   We are, as their parent, one of the safest people to do that with so that's kind of a compliment right? But I hear you.....its really tough to handle what they throw at us isn't it.   Sounds like your son and daughter have very different personalities so the "currency" will not be the same nor can the expectation unfortunately. Your son is setting a great example for his sister though so good on him and good on you!   I think we can only really grin and bear it....it will pass and she will stop being as selfish as she is being. Might take another year or 2 though. In the meantime and regarding the driving issue - can she also do chores in exchange for a ride? Are there a couple of practical options that would help YOU that can give her what she wants in the long run ie a ride?   And just for perspective....we live about a 5....yes 5 min walk to my daughters school and she still hassles for a lift if its cold, hot .....you name it - but she will spend all day at a theme park during a heatwave!!     ... View more

hi @taokat   Interesting article - I think though there can be other things behind why teens seem unwilling to talk.   My 16 year old daughter used to tell me everything and the past few months she is becoming more the typical sullen and uncooperative teen.    I think the simple fact that she thinks I wont get it is a big part. She seems to think we are worlds apart and maybe we are?  She resists so many of my ideas and thoughts these days that I think the talking is becoming less and less because she just feels that I wont understand. Its like she sees me talking and is already eye rolling.   Also I think its to do with that phase of separating from mum.  Shes wanting to be her own person. Find who she is and what she looks like WITHOUT me. (except for when her world caves in and then I might get a cuddle and she'll tell me everything like the ol days).  Along with this separation phase - I think she has other people now much closer and who naturally "get her"  - so she is probably not wanting to go through it all with me when she just wants to talk to one of her friends.   So while I do think that article covers some really valid reasons, I think there's other dynamics going on for adolescents that cause this block of communication.   Would love to hear what some other members think? ... View more

hi @momof2teens   Your daughter is lucky to have such a loving and caring mum who listens and tries to help so while I can relate to the helplessness - you are doing all you can so remember that   Has your daughter got any friends outside of school? Does she do activities outside of school? It would be good to nurture any friendships that are not linked to school - just to make her world a bigger place. Sometimes it feels like school is the be all and end all and it just isn't. So I would try and encourage her to spend time with other people she may know that aren't part of her school situation   Have you tried explaining to your daughter that counsellors are there to help others with strategies and ideas to make life a bit easier? And that no one will know she is seeing someone unless she wants them to?  My daughter who is 16 now has also had a lot of social issues over her adolescent years and she has seen a couple of counsellors. When she was younger she felt a little like oh is there something wrong with me but she quickly realised how empowering it was to talk to someone who just wanted to help, who had experience helping lots of people just like her and also - if you find someone who your daughter connects with - it can be a confidence booster to have that relationship in her life.   Friendships are so hard. But most people I know aren't even in contact with people they were in high school with. And as I have told my daughter before - for some of us it can take longer to found our kind of people - but they are out there.   ... View more

@LovingThruBlue how are things going - I just saw this post and Im so sorry you guys are having such a tough time of it ... View more

Hi @Nervous - I totally get what you are saying - I sometimes feel like that too - these support networks we turn to are there because they are being paid to be. That said - I would like to think that they are in that industry because they care and are passionate about what they do. And that sits better with me.   Sounds like the organisation where you went to with your daughter seemed a little too focused on the fees which really makes it seem like that is what they are more concerned with. I am glad you emailed them about it - what happened - did they respond? They may not have realised they ALL talked about fees. As @Breez-RO said they really need to reassess their procedures.   It is a difficult time when businesses start closing for holidays etc but yes those helplines are available and you can always chat to one of us here as well we will be popping in as much as possible.   Hang in there - your daughter is lucky to have a mum like you fighting for her - I hope this Christmas can be a positive family time for you guys. ... View more

Hi Tracys   Its really hard to know when to worry isn't it. I have a 13 year old boy who is allowed freedoms at his father's place that I am not comfortable with, and he pushes me for them as well when at mine.   The positives you put at the end are really important because I think it shows he does want to be doing the right thing. Giving you phone numbers, attending school etc. It also sounds like you have pretty good communication with him as well - of course we never know when they are telling the truth or not - but at least he engages in those tough conversations about alcohol and drugs and doesn't clam up so that is great. While with pushing the boundaries - we just have to ride that wave I reckon!   With the elite level sport do you think that maybe his new friends don't see that as a "cool" thing to do and that's why he is moving away from that? It would be a shame if he no longer wanted to compete at that level but Ive noticed with boys in particular they do buckle under peer pressure when they are good at something, dont want to stand out, or be set apart from the rest of them by being really good at something. And of course the more we push the more they resist. Maybe encourage him to hang out with the outside of school teammates a bit to strengthen that bond?   Sounds like you are doing really well with all these changes - it is such a bumpy ride and unpredictable too. But from everything I have read and heard from my friends its 100 times worse inside those boys minds and bodies right now!  Life is confusing for them and they get so many different messages all the time and then half the time their brain is mush anyway!   I wouldn't be too worried at this stage but like with any friend group its always a good idea to keep an eye on the direction they are going.  The communication you have is awesome with your boy!     ... View more

I am going to have to run Im so sorry but glad I could make it here for a bit of a chat!   I hope you guys have a good weekend, and hopefully can chat again soon   @Ngaio-RO @lizard0812 @taokat     ... View more

I feel one of the hardest things is to accept that slowly little by little we just have less and less control over who they are, and the choices (and mistakes) they end up making.   Its painful. But I guess its an inevitable part of them growing up and away from us especially those early teen years.     ... View more

yes I am the queen of rumination - not a title I enjoy.   Its so hard not to - these are our kids we are talking about so its very hard to approach it with the same calmer approach we would when helping friends cope.   Actually that's another technique I have started trying to use. If my friend was coming to me with my situation and fears and worries what would I say to them, how would I encourage them to process it ... View more

@taokat I am definitely one of those people who fear the worst and look at the worse case scenarios and all the doom and gloom that could come from a situation. Unfortunately it goes hand in hand with my anxiety.   Im not a fan of Cognitive behaviour therapy techniques. But I guess in a way that's sort of how I try and cope. Once Ive done my catastrophizing I seem to be able to get a better grip on alternative outcomes and remind myself more of them     ... View more

aww thankyou @Ngaio-RO that's very lovely to hear :) ... View more

oh that sounds like it was a hard decision to make @lizard0812   Is it something you can go back to, or at least something similar down the track? ... View more

hi @Ngaio-RO, @lizard0812 and @taokat  ... View more

OMG my laptop kept freezing but im here sorry im late! ... View more

For miss 16 - asking what's happening in your world often starts a bit of a conversation Also what doesn't work ? Saying anything that puts her on the defensive like 'what's wrong you don't seem yourself ' or ' are you ok !' Sometimes If I see she's struggling in herself I'll suggest she grabs her old comfort toy and a fave book and chill Master 13 Very tricky As long as we are busy with a distraction - in the car is good I'll start with what kind of day did you have and move on from there and if I'm lucky we can get onto how he's doing generally ... View more

If I had a dollar for every time I said - "DONT FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH" I would be soooo rich     ... View more

hi @Mamarose  you certainly sound like an incredibly strong resilient woman. How wonderful for your son that he has a mum like you.  I think its great you have your own support as well - so important but so often we don't take that for ourselves as well.   Is he in school? Has he got peers who are supportive?   He sounds like a really strong individual as well  - and that wicked sense of humour will hopefully see him through some dark times and rise above it   ... View more

@Moloko hope you had a good weekend   Your kids are very similar age gap to mine interestingly. Mine are 2 years and 10   mths. My daughter used to love bossing her brother around and at times still does which of course he hates. He doesn't need two mothers! At 13 he thinks he doesn't need one haha     ... View more

Hi @Melach welcome to Reachout Parent forums!   Sounds like you have a strong willed 14 year old daughter there and yes you are SO not alone !!   Im not sure what your rules are with devices/tv/playstation etc... but my first thought is good old fashioned bribery.   I tell my kids they have no devices until xyz is done. Simple. So they know they have to have done a couple of chores, tidied their rooms, done their homework etc and THEN they can go on their phones/laptops and chill out.   Can you try and get her into a habit of coming home from school and before she takes her bag in her room empty out the food. Do you know why she isn't eating the food? can you slightly tweak what you give her so that she eats it and doesn't bring it back home again? I know that when high school starts they get so fussy and they get embarrassed eating food from home. Or can she make her own lunch?   The lying does become habitual in my experience. It amazes me how much I see my step daughter (13) lying bold faced to her father when I know she has not done what she said.  It blows my mind! Its very frustrating - I feel your pain.   So I reckon barter with the devices, try and set up a routine for her when she comes home from school with the school bag, and sit down and talk about why shes not eating her lunch.   good luck!     ... View more

hi @lucille   Firstly it sounds like you and your son are well on top of all the other issues going on and have a pretty open and trusting relationship which is awesome. He is soon to be 17, and not at school so he probably feels he is more of an adult these days. I definitely think talking to him and approaching this issue in a way that treats him like an adult (even though of course he is a fair way off that!) may bring about better outcomes.   Chatting about why he has taken it up, and talking about it really being unhelpful alongside his mental health issues as well as the fact that if he likes playing sports or being active or if he is active and physical in his job then it will really hinder him. Its hard because a lot of those reasons are longer term and they seem to just see the here and now.   I hope the conversation goes smoothly with him - pop back in and let us know how it goes?     ... View more

hi @Glennross welcome!   That's a really tough one.   As @Ngaio-RO asked, how old are the kids? Have you had them every second weekend or 50-50 or something in between?   I guess because it is for 12 months and for work it may be not as difficult to understand as if you were moving away "forever".   Hope you pop back in and give us a bit more info so we can chat about it some more :) ... View more

@barbedwire that must have been disappointing for you that he didn't make more of an effort at work experience.  Sounds from what he said to you he is certainly suffering from depression and low self esteem. What does he get enjoyment out of? Is there anything? Computers? A sport? music? Something that makes him feel better within himself?   I looked up the Childrens Society as I haven't heard of it and you must be in the UK?  Im not familiar with them but sounds like a pretty good service. ... View more