perfect!   its so nice when you don't have to cook either because maybe the kids aren't there or aren't hungry and you can just stop adulting for a night and have whatever!!   I really want to have my 16 year old cooking once a week but its the classic its just easier to do it myself. ... View more

lucky you ! Did you make yourself something easy or just couldn't be bothered? ... View more

haha yep kind of   just had dinner so timing worked well   how are you going @taokat ... View more

Yep Im here too ... View more

So I am starting to take a different approach to beating myself up when I don't handle things well.   Usually I focus on that - I overthink the past, smash myself with guilt and it kind of sets the mood.   What Im trying to do now is stay in a more positive frame and look for where I can have a joke and a laugh where they don't expect it, or sneak in a compliment whenever I can (genuine of course) and grab hugs.... I talk about when they were little, things that kind of build up my bank of GOOD stuff so that when I slip up and that's definitely WHEN not IF, I don't feel so bad - its not quite so unbalanced between when Im feeling like Im doing GOOD stuff compared to the CRAP stuff.     ... View more

hi @LovingThruBlue how are the vegetarian meals coming along? Any sure fire winner recipes you can share?     ... View more

Welcome @germ4   I can really relate as I am very internally protective of my kids and feel very hurt when I feel like they are not being accepted or treated as well as their peers in a social situation etc.   Neither of my kids are great social beings. My daughter has struggled with anxiety and therefore with friendships as a lot of it is social anxiety as well as lower self esteem. It was essentially all through primary school that I saw her gravitating towards the boys because she could be more herself there instead of being excluded by the cliquey girls.   Now she is in year 10 and has a big group of friends but still goes through situations where she feels like other people get invited to things she didn't etc.   Now I worry less. She will be ok   But when she was younger it really hurt. Me. And of course it hurts - our kids seem to feel like they are part of us so if they are being left out it really cuts deep I think   Sometimes a child who is not like the majority of kids really notices but other times I think they are ok with it. Maybe in a round about way see if you can gauge if that was perhaps a one off with the camp car pooling, or if a few things happen like that.   Are you friends with any of the other mums, or at least close enough to maybe start off a general chat about the girls friendships? See what you can tell there.   There are times I have found my daughter has been upset about a situation that last week was someone else feeling the exact same way. Friends and peers are so important.   Another thing I found was useful was to really try and generate friendships that are not school based - so if she does activities maybe if she is friendly with someone there they can hang out etc? Just makes their world a bit wider than just school.  And if they have a bad day at school they still have people they can call friends.   Its really really hard.     ... View more

Welcome to the forum @Crackles and @joleesunflower   You have come to a wonderful forum with many compassionate parents on the forum. We offer each other support and share stories about the challenges and joys of raising teens. We also share a laugh too - good for the soul :)   We invite you both to introduce yourselves in this thread, or if you'd just rather start a discussion about something that's on your mind you can do that here - hope to get to know you both a little better! ... View more

hi @motherbear    yes the "easier" child definitely can get the short end of the straw for being more compliant haha   I suppose in the long run its great that our teens are strong willed and fight for what they want. Its just hard work for us now. But the world needs both kinds of adults -  more compliant, and more combative.     ... View more

hi @Moloko how have the last few days been, has your daughter accepted the phone restriction a little easier and being less resisting of it?   It is so hard to fight with them over these things even when we know its for their benefit in the long run. I know theres times I can feel actually fearful of discussing a topic or a boundary because by this age they become SO good at arguing and debating and then flying off the handle.   I am really impressed and motivated by your approach     ... View more

Thanks @LovingThruBlue She doesn't have a tv in her room so that's not really an option but I can see why that would help break the pattern of thoughts Tricky isn't it ... View more

Haha I hear you on the bachelor issue - my 16 year old and I watched it last year and I didn't mind it so much - she's making me watch it this year too and it's awful. Besides the fact that the whole idea of the show is ridiculous - this year seems to be scripted down to every word and is cringe able . I literally feel like my brain cells are running away while I watch Who do you enjoy the most on goggle box ? I love the couple in their 50s , ( Keith and Lee ) , I like the boys Wayne and tom and I like Angie and Yvie ... View more

hi @Faob_1 certainly sounds like there has been a positive shift in these last few days overall.   What do they say is the purpose of the letter ? My initial thought is to be as honest as possible.  Theres no doubt this has been a distressing time for you all as a family, and his actions, choices and behaviour have impacted everyone in a negative way. There has been some very serious issues going on.   Do you think it would be a better environment for him to read and process your honest thoughts?  With some distance, and away from everyone it may be a very sobering time for him - and may open him up to really seeing things from a different perspective.  I think that letter will be very helpful in the journey.   How has your daughter been these last couple of weeks. The HSC trials are coming up aren't they?     ... View more

Some great points there @Red21 thankyou....   I suppose we try and control because we think we cant cope with the alternative - with what would happen if we just let it all happen.  The breathing is a huge factor - I often find myself actually holding my breath!   Thankyou, lots to think about     ... View more

hi @Moloko I have been reading this thread, you've been getting such wonderful advice...   I am so glad the new school has started off positively. That must be a huge relief for you and also probably for her!   I have two 13 year olds and a 16 year old (and a 20year old) and they ALL live in their bedrooms on their phones and laptops and come out to eat, shower, go out basically.  I don't like it but I have spoken to enough people and come to realise that it seems to be the "norm" or sorts.   When I start worrying about something my kids are doing, either their lifestyle, habits, attitude etc,...I always try and remember that if they are doing ok in school, can behave like human beings out in the world, and have a couple of interests (like maybe a sport once a week) then I just have to put up with the bits I don't like. It kind of stops me stressing too much. Although as I posted earlier I am struggling with control issues a bit at the moment   About the phone not in the room overnight - I battle with that one too. we make our 13 year olds leave their phone downstairs in lounge room charging overnight, my 16 year old is allowed it in her room. I think that started for her in about year 8. the 13 years olds are in year 7. It is really hard.    Im finding the kids don't like missing out on the late night conversations that happen between those kids allowed their phones.  And also they don't like having their phone away from them because they seem to feel like part of them are missing!   It may be hard to take that privilege away from her given she has it - but maybe it can be a bargaining tool. Hopefully some other members have some good ideas on this as I struggle myself!         ... View more

hi @Lily17 your resilience and unswerving grit is exactly what is needed -  and your love for your daughter is shown in every fight, every breath, every tear, and every celebration!   All I keep thinking as I was reading was how lucky is your daughter that she has YOU as her mum.         ... View more

hi @mbomb, the other members here had some wonderful supportive ideas and suggestions which I cant add anything to but I have been hoping you would pop back in and let us know how you are doing. Have you had any more thoughts about the medication issue?   How are you coping, have you been able to find a little breathing space for yourself?   We are here even if you just need somewhere to vent. ... View more

hi @Seahorse how did your daughter go starting her new job?   I hope it was a positive start for her     ... View more

hi @Sunny   Finding that balance between activities, school and chilling out is really hard for us adults let alone teenagers.   How much sport is your son doing? Is it early mornings only, or later in the day as well?   Also what year is he in at school and has his school results remained consistent?   I think its fantastic when our kids are into sports - keeps them energised, focused, socialised - lots of positives - but when it all feels too much then its important to see where change can happen. Hopefully you (and he) can find a way to find some downtime and balance the demands of everything a little easier ... View more

hi @Red21 and @taokat     I love that phrase your daughter came up with @Red21 - its very fitting!   Sadly I don't think I am lifing too well right now   Im battling with issues of control - wanting to control others feelings and actions - and even though I KNOW its a recipe for disaster I cant stop     ... View more

Hi @taokat That is a really tough situation for both of you but of course for your daughter it must raise so many emotions, questions and difficult feelings that at times she doesn't know how to manage. Firstly in my opinion having ONE parent who a child trusts and knows they are loved unconditionally by can go a very very long way and I can hear that the bond between you and your daughter is doing just that. You are a force to be reckoned with and she knows you are there for her :) I can relate a little in that my ex husband and my daughter have had a fraught relationship all their lives . My daughter is now 16 and still goes through an internal battle of guilt, hurt , and anger over their lack of relationship . He lives in the next suburb , my son goes there 5 nights a fortnight , she chooses not to now and he barely makes any contact with her I have always tried to come from the angle that her father just 'cant' . He can't show her love in the way she needs . He can't put her first - ever . he just can't . It wouldn't matter what she did , who she was , what was different - it all comes down to he can't . I'll never forget a counsellor I used to see years ago before I divorced my ex - I was going on and on about him and my counselor just said - put it this way - you are expecting him to do xyz ( say be able to understand he needs to be more involved emotionally ) but it's like expecting a person who is in a wheelchair and can't walk - to get up and start walking !! And that helped me see in a way that it wasn't me and it wasn't my daughter . It's all him And I've tried to impress that on my daughter as much as possible because they do internalize it and do blame themselves . My heart sank when I read your daughter said that about him not wanting anything to do with her because she had f*d up so much I also focus on all the other people who my daughter has - and that helps her realise yeh hang on - all these people think I'm pretty ok - dads the exception maybe it is him ! There's no denying it has to hurt. And she may spend a few years with the help of therapy processing it and putting it somewhere where she can let it sit without too much pain . In the meantime she has a mum who has her back and that's so important . Your bond is obviously very strong and I can hear your distress at being helpless but you are doing so much by just being the strong loving and supportive mum that you are . ... View more

Welcome to the forums @Defiant Your son is so fortunate to be going through this process with such supportive parents , and i truly believe this will help him face the challenges he has ahead with resilience and courage. Sometimes just knowing we have the unconditional love of our family can make all the difference can't it ... View more

Welcome to the Reachout Parent forums @Charlotte You've come to a wonderful and supportive group of parents - this is a safe place to vent, share stories, ask for advice and offer your own suggestions to others. Please let us know what led you to ReachOut Parents? Feel free to tell us a little more about yourself, your kids - anything really :) Look forward to seeing you in the forums ... View more

hope everyone is hanging in there like this little fellow  :) ... View more

hi @Schooner that's a really good question - @LovingThruBlue's link looks really useful.   Please keep us updated with what you find out as Im sure that info will be very useful to other parents on here.   It seems to me that the health issues tend to have plenty of policies and procedures but the mental health ones often are lacking aren't they. ... View more

haha how funny! thanks @taokat ... View more