Parents encouraging kids fighting

[Reneygade]

I hope I'm posting this right I don't feel like being in the hotseat, so to speak. First time poster, tell me what you'd do.
My youngest stays with me, her mom and her daddy every other night. She's 13. We also have a 23 year old. I recently found out that one of her "frenemies" (friends one day and not the next...??) that she plays with when she stays at dads has progressed into somewhat of a volatile frenemy-ship and very recently, this girls mother, who seems to have an affinity for getting intoxicated every day of the week has actually been trying to get her daughter, Anna (changed name)to start a physical confrontation with my daughter. Ya know, I'm an older mother, sorry Anna's mother seems to be having a crisis of some kind, about to get a divorce, dads moved out, neither parent works at this time, idk how theyre paying bills not my business but I'm really quite aggravated about this whole situation withthese 13 year olds. I've made it very clear to my daughter to steer clear, frankly I'm tired of hearing the girls bickering. I tell my daughter don't be an enemy just keep a pleasant distance from this girl. The thing is, it's a very small middle class subdivision. The neighborhood consists of 2 streets. All the kids in dad's area ALL PLAY OUTSIDE. Lol-. Unlike my place. We don't enjoy playing outside where I live basically because it's a low income, little trashy area, cops called often, there's usually something going on. Just being honest. So, we don't play outside in the parking lot in front of my apt building! I find it interesting though- in her dad's neighborhood the kids run around like hoodlums with the parents in tow, in my area the Kids just run rampant without any supervision and I think that's pretty dangerous. There seems to be no happy medium. But I'm also maybe disappointed for I would've expected overall better and classier attitudes for a more upscale area. The girls mother is apparently a big problem for BOTH STREETS lol. I don't get too involved in this stuff I'm too low key, and my kids dad is even more low key than I am! The way i don't approve of amas mom has nothing to do with my ex husband or any type of jealousy etc. Etc.. lol. We've been divorced since 99, we're not concerned about each other's "relationships" with others. Heavens no. But I know him well enough to know he isn't gonna go for some unemployed, over indulging, boisterous woman who seems to be obsessed with the idea of our girls fist fighting anyway. Not to mention, the 23 year old ball and chain, our oldest daughter is also a daddy's girl, they're BOTH very particular. When he does finally decide to settle down with someone.. good luck and God have mercy. His girl's won't make it easy for any woman unless she was perfect and she's not going to be. I'm probably making them sound bad but they're not. They've never had any trouble at school, the older is pursuing medicine, she's already graduated obviously, they're both docile young ladies and they love to shop. They are high maintenance. Unlike their mom. They love pricey things. If i can afford it, thrift store is where I go. Not because I like it but mainly so I'll have more money for THEM. Idon't have as much money as your dad.
Trust me, I'm the odd man out even though I'm mom.
I just don't want my kid fighting someone. I had a very rough childhood, for one I was malnourished which made me very small, the few times i got picked on at school I fought back. That was not okay. I got more than my share of abuse at home also. Usually from older brothers, but when my narcissistic momster would show up every blue moon she had her turn. Ya know she hated girls, wanted all boys blah Blah blah, charming old bat. Pffff. I'm not having a pity party, in a way I'm glad they toughened me up but it was very extreme. Too much for sure but that's life.
And that was then, things have changed. I wasn't about to allow that abuse in my world anymore or my children's lives especially and so many years ago, the buck stopped right there. I do not condone that type of violence. Of course we will all defend ourselves without question, but aside from that- no way. We don't lay hard hands on people -absolutely not. Notwithstanding, if my daughter gets hit in the mouth, she's got braces, it'll be bad. I know. I remember! So how should I handle this?

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Reneygade, welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing that. I have edited some descriptive words out of your post as it graphically depicts abuse or are slurs. You can see a list of our community guidelines here, if you'd like to have a read. I really hope we can engage the community on this thread as I am sure that you are not alone in this facing this issue. From what I have read, it seems like this particular mum is around your ex's neighbourhood? If so, is your ex aware of the situation? This way, he might be able to be extra vigilant around the girls when they are all playing outside. We would also recommend contacting the police about this issue, just so they are aware. This way, if anything were to happen, they would have a point to start from. Is this something you have considered before? You detail your own experience of abuse which sounds really horrible. I can see how this has made it so important to avoid violence within your own home. I don't blame you for being on high alert - it sounds so frightening. What does your daughter think about the situation?

[PapaBill]

Hi @Reneygade 

I think you are on the right track..

You don't want to encourage unhealthy relationships for your 13 year old.

Any relationship like the "Frenemies" you describe is not healthy and you do not want your daughter normalizing such destructive type relationships.  

The idea that a parent would be encouraging their child to physical violence just highlights how you need to encourage your daughter to distance herself from this other child and their parent

[Reneygade]

Hi all. Hope you’re all well. And in reply to your reply, Taylor. 

Dad is very involved in our kids lives. Nothing seems to ruffle his feathers though. Ever.

He’s really a super dad. I appreciate his positive attitude but he tends to NOT want to know about the ‘bad stuff’

“Garbage in, garbage out.” His words many years ago. Smh. 

The girls haven’t fought. I’ve maintained an open line of communication, just tried  keeping her busy. I advised her to be cordial and courteous, I told her she doesn’t have to be best friends with someone just because they live in the same neighborhood. Told her to act pleasant and nice but keep her distance.  A babysitting job at the end of summer made for a good attention diversion. And good money too. Double score. 

A couple of times when she wanted to go bike riding but I didn’t think it was a good idea,  I let the air out of a tire, maybe 2-4 times. So no big deal. Maybe 5 times all together. No more though. 

BTW, this was a very effective method. 

On high alert? Yes. I have 2 friends whose daughters from our small town of 22,000 were brutally murdered. The more heinous is still unsolved. 10.10.11. So I’m sure my antennas are always up. Hopefully not to a fault, just one of those things. 😕

Thanks for your feedback. Always appreciate any input from others.   

Thank heavens, made it through that summertime concern unscathed.

Knock on wood. Lol.

Next?

Anyone know anything about “love interests”

AT 13 YEARS OLD? 😳

Me either!

(different thread topic,of course)

Thanks again. Good day all. 

[Reneygade]

⭐️ I’m reviewing your link. Right now. Thanks for the ez access. ⭐️