(TW) My daughters Borderline Personality Disorder is destroying me

[kaiso]

Where to start, my once beautiful caring loving daughter who I was once so close to and she was with me .  I know and fully understand BPD I have attended many support forums and read and read and read) about it.

But i fear now I have nothing left, my daughter is suicidal every time she becomes emotional distressed.  As a point of reference this has been going on for 5 years, with many suicide attempts .  She frequently self harms.  She has been hospitalised 5 times this year and each time she is released she seems to get worse.  What has changed more than anything else is her violence towards me (I am by no means a small man and can easily defend myself, but the idea of having to resort to violence against one of my children to defend myself I just cant do it). 

After all these years my health has deteriorated to the point where a few weeks ago she turned up around 1am in a psychotic moment, 
During the altercation I collapsed and pasted out, when I came too, my left side of my ribs were hurting, my daughter gone and a concerned neighbour standing by me.  He told me he had to physically hold my daughter as she was hurting me and yelling at me to wake up and stop making this about me.  I know why she is so angry with me she has told me in the past, when she was 16 and living with her mother she was sexually assaulted and she blames me for not protecting her although I lived 4 hours away at the time and did not find out this happened until 2 years later.  The mental health system trys.

BUT, I just cant do it anymore, yes I have supports around me and I try to manage as best as I can, however each night I go to sleep scared .this has been a common statement from her.  I don't know why she wont accept help she has had so many opportunities, a community of family who were willing to help her (most now have backed off), and

I feel (know) that I must do the same, a...but what is the alternate I just dont know anymore...recently after tests it was revealed that I have a heart condition and high blood pressure that could lead to stroke if i am not careful.. I tried explaining this to my daughter in the hope she would accept help, her only response was, "I better be in the will", which literally broke what was left of my heart...

my beautiful girl who up to the age of 15 we were so close is now someone I almost hate...I am so lost

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @kaiso , thanks for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through for the last 5 years. It sounds like things have been very tough for a while now. I am glad that you are still reaching out for support so that you can help your daughter. Sorry to hear that your health has been deteriorating, I can't imagine the toll that this would take on a person. Sounds like you have tried various things out so far to get her some support and to help her manage what she is going through.

It's a shame to hear that you have not had too much success with the mental health system so far. It sounds like ongoing support from a psychologist or psychiatrist might be useful for your daughter. Is she currently seeing anyone for support? If your daughter is wanting some more support I think seeing her GP and arrange to see a psychologist would be a good first step. She can also call some helplines such as Kids Helpline and Headspace ( if she is under 25), BeyondBlue, and SuicideLine or Lifeline when she is experiencing thoughts of suicide. I also just wanted to check in with you too, as it sounds like your daughters safety is a concern for you. Are you concerned about your daughters safety right now? Is she currently safe? 

This sounds like a lot to deal with, and I am sorry to hear that the relationship between yourself and your daughter has been impacted. Do you have someone that you feel comfortable talking to about everything that has been going on? Talking to someone such as a trusted friend, or a counsellor/psychologist can be really helpful. If you are interested in talking to a counsellor, Parentline is a free, private and confidential 24/7 phone and online counselling service where you can talk through these thoughts and feelings. Also, Family Drug Support has a helpline that you can call to discuss any concerns you have around your daughters substance use. They are also open 24/7 and can support you with some of your concerns. I hope that things get better for you and your family, please feel free to keep us updated here on the forums. 

[Josie]

My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain on both front.

I have BPD, I’m 48 now. I was horrible to my mum when I was in my 20s. She had to walk away for her own health. She kept the door open and I would call or write and abuse her. Eventually I got help and our relationship mended.

My mum said to me after it all that she just had to accept that it was my journey. My life and if I chose to end it then that was my choice.

I’m now going thru a rough time with my 18yr old son. And she has said the same advice to me. His life. His journey. His choice. I have to take care of me and my 16 year old boy.

There is only so much we can do. The rest we have to accept.

It’s okay to walk away to protect yourself

[kaiso]

Hi Sophia..thanks for reaching out...the answer to your questions is yes all has been tried...i don't actually blame the mental health system its just not set up to deal.with BPD..a psychiatrist recently told me that the only solution is long term institution were the BPD person needs to be broken down and rebuilt however that is not possible under our current system

[kaiso]

Hi Josie..thank you for your reply..i am.sorry to hear that you are going through similar problems with your son..given your experiences with BPD it must be both confronting and a scary time for you i wish you you all the best..may I ask at what age did the penny drop so to speak.and you yourself realised you needed help...is it as simple as the older and more.mature you get you are more.open to help...the literature i read seems to suggest that? BTW your story has given me some hope😇

[Josie]

Hi,

Having heard many stories of BPD there are many different levels/aspects. I have always been aware of consequences so that while I pushed boundaries, I never crossed the line which many with BPD do.

I was abusive to my family because I blamed them. I struggled in society but I always sort for some sort of connection, to make my life better is some way. So for me in the early years, my life wasn't a problem. 

When I had boughs of depression I went to the doc and went on anti depression meds. This was in the 90's so things were different. 

I went through years of struggles and didn't really seek help until I had PND with my first born, then again with my second, followed by an emotional break down then my marriage breakdown and I was a single mum with a 1 & 3 year old. 

I was high functioning and the mental health system very much failed me in the in 2000's. It wasn't until the 2010's when 'the system' started to change.

I had fought hard to stay alive for my boys. I worked hard to be a better parent because I was not good in so many ways. Ultimately. My boys were my trigger to fight because I was all they had and I wouldn't pass then mess onto them by ending myself.

I did DBT in 2013. The stories of the others there made me realise that everyone's journey is different.

I've done so much therapy. There was one that was designed to "break me to rebuild me" and it almost ended me. That is such a horrible, destructive approach to any therapy. 

For me, DBT used my intelligence to challenge and question the belief I held. It gave me skills and strategies to change my behaviours so I could achieve my goals. I wanted to fit in. I wanted stability. I wanted to be loved and accepted so I was motivated to work.

No matter what is happening for a person. They have to want to improve. My ex was also diagnosed BPD. To my knowledge he never sought help but he has found a life for himself. It doesn't include any of his blood relations but that's his choice.

Sorry. Have hope. Hope is good but make sure you care for you and accept whatever happens that is outside of your control, which unfortunately most in life is

[Sophia-RO]

Hi @kaiso , I am sorry to hear that is the case. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time, but have still been trying to support your child in any way possible. I hope that you have found some of the support to be helpful so far. Have you been able to talk with anyone about what you are going through? It might be helpful for you to be able to talk through these feelings and thoughts with a trained professional who is happy to support you. 

[kaiso]

Yes I have support and access carers nsw which is a fabulous service appreciate the support

[kaiso]

I'm so sorry to hear how hard your journey was especially in the 90s and 00s...my daughter's tried day a few times but is not ready to accept that there is no easy fix and often blames health professionals as a cause of her problems...ive never had BPD however was chronically depressed in the 90s and finally accepted i needed to change and I hope my daughter will.do the same eventually i know she wants 2 deep down...but her eyes are so souless at the moment...since my post she has reached out i am being cautious will.see how things go

[Sophia-RO]

I am glad to hear that is the case @kaiso , I hope that the support you have been receiving has made things more manageable for you during these tough times .