Hi @Mattnjos ,
I'm a parent of a son aged 16 and a daughter 14, and I've been visiting the parent for the last 3 months after missing interaction with other parents due to Covid restrictions. One of the reasons I reply to messages here, is to reassure people that they're not alone, and not the only one in their situation and that while we might be going through different situations with our kids, commonalities exist.
Before I had kids, I worked for a year in the HIV Sexual Health Unit at our local area health service as Communications Officer and in this role, I was responsible for writing the newsletter. In this role, I interviewed a young person about their gender perceptions and it was enlightening. They really took me into their heart, mind everything and spoke very personally with me. I was just the conduit really for them telling their story, but as with as story, that look listening, respect and making myself invisible. I had friends come out when I was at uni and friend who were unsure of themselves and more recently my husband's cousin shared about he was now living as a woman which was a total surprise at over 60.
However, I think there's a huge difference between things going on with people around you and your child. I am speaking for myself here but your children are your flesh and blood and most of us would give everything we had, including our own lives to save them, help them out etc. WE feel their ups and downs and everything inbetween so acutely. We want our child to have the easy road. We want them to have good friendships, do well at school, be sporty, even if we don't push them and have super high expectations. I remember when I was younger and upset about something I'd get really frustrated with my mother because she'd go to pieces over something that happened to me and I didn't understand. It wasn't her life. I get that now!!
We have had some different issues to grapple with in our house. Our son is adamant about not doing his HSC. He doesn't need it to get into the course he wants to do and just needs to complete year 12. My family is very academic and we have some high achievers. So, his decision has almost been like jumping off a cliff to me and there's very definite grief, even though he's chosen a very good path for himself and is applying himself well and getting work experience. He knows where we stand but we have made it clear to him that we support his career direction and course choices. We'd rather he did his HSC and also have that up his sleeve.
You have quite a lot to get your heads around, even just in knowing the "right" lingo and that's not something I've kept up with. Following up some of the contacts listen with help and listen to your child and how they speak and refer to themselves. It will take time but maybe be honest and say you'd like to understand but can they walk you through it. There's nothing wrong with asking them for help and to help guide you on the journey.
Some of the communication tools on the ReachOut site could be useful to look at too. Look at ways of improving your general communication skills and see if you can go for a few drives together as the car seems to be a good, non-confronting place to talk about difficult issues as long as you don't get too upset or emotional. I'm also a bit of a fan of that "Are u ok?" approach. It's had really good publicity and so I hear people using it quite regularly. This brings me to the difficulties that young people in the LGBTQI community can really struggle psychologically and if your teen is showing signs of difficulties, you need to take those seriously and seek help. So, I guess this brings me to whether your teen is having any form of counselling support and do you have the contact details for that person if things escalate? It seems to me that their friendship group is offering each other good support as they navigate through these waters. They sound like they're on a similar wavelength and your child will ultimately work out where they sit in relationship to their peers.
Lastly, in addition to following up the contact mentioned for yourself, I would recommend keeping a journal and perhaps you have a safe friend you could confide in, especially if you and your husband have different views. I encourage you to come back here for as long as you need to if it helps. I really like the anonymity here. Also try to do those things that you find important for your own self-care. This is something I need to work on myself. My self-care really goes out the window when I'm stressed and I tend to zoom in and focus on the problem. It's important to take regular breathers, and actually make sure you're still breathing and not holding everything in.
I hope that helps.
Best wishes,
Birdwings
