I just thought I'd jump on here and recommend a book which has really helped me, our family and so many people - James Cleary's "Atomic Habits". I'd recommend reading it yourself and there is a summary at the end of every chapter which is especially good for reluctant readers and reinforcing the key recommendations which for me have really worked. The key I found was reducing those first steps into real micro steps perhaps even so small that it seems like lifting your big toe more than a step but when they keep going, they start to add up. I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Dolphin Lover, I'm so sorry to hear what you and your daughter have been through, and commend you for coming here for help and connection. I haven't experienced the suicide of anyone close to me, but I keep meeting people who have lost someone close to them to suicide, including parents. How do you make sense of it all if you have a mind that does try to make sense of the unexplainable? Ending the pain of it all through any means available must be tempting and even feel like the only way. I don't know if there are any support groups or organizations for families who have lost someone to suicide and Lifeline is a possible starting point. No doubt someone here might know of something. If there isn't something, there needs to be.  Have you spoken to your daughter's school? Is she still at the same school? Do you know any of her friends and is she connecting with them?  I've written a reply to another parent and recommended a book called "Atomic Habits" and mentioned some of our family's experiences dealing with tough times. I have been living with an acute illness for 17 years and to be honest have no idea how I'm still here and I have frequent close calls. It is really hard living with a really hard unchangeable truth and it can be too hard to even think about moving forward. Breathing can be hard enough. I don't know if there's someone in your lives, a special person who can just love on you both and somehow counteract the awful horror of what's happened. I thought a friend's husband had died of a heart attack but he had suicided. She doesn't talk about it and I found out what happened through someone else. I do what I can. Lastly, I just wanted to tell you that I did Lifeline's Suicide Intervention Course - ASIST - because I was picking up my daughter and her friends late at night and there had been a few local suicides and her friend had attempted a few times. I put the ASIST sticker on the back of my phone. Most people probably don't know what it means but a young man had shared that his friend had taken his life a year ago and I could express my concern about suicide by showing him that sticker and it had weight with him.  Lastly, you might've thought about this but keep a close eye and be kind to yourself around special dates especially the first anniversary of his suicide. The young man I mentioned had raised his friend's suicide because the anniversary was coming up.  Sending love and hugs, Birdwings PS Don't know if you can access a support animal somehow. We have three dogs to get us through our situation. I have a dog on my lap right now and my keyboard is balanced across the top of him. Maybe your daughter could walk someone's dog or the school might be able to put you in touch with someone.  ... View more

Hi Amparent, Teenage dating is a tough topic and I wasn't sure I had much to contribute. However, maybe she's just needing to ease into dating a bit and the reality was a bit much. There's so much to navigate and it's tricky. It seems to me like you are really close to your daughter and have great communication. One recommendation which comes up here in how talking in the car is a good way of connecting with your teen. While we're told that maintaining eye contact is important in conversation, sometimes this more indirect sitting side-by-side communication can be less confronting and more effective. It's the same thing with going for a walk together or going fishing.  Hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @Daisy18, Sorry to hear about what's going on with your son. I have been in a similar boat on and off with my own kids and am not really sure what their current status is but they seem to be on the okay side of things atm. I am Mum to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter. I have some serious health issues which put our family under hellish stress at times, but it also means I've had extensive occupational therapy and advice on starting over from scratch from where I've been lying flat in the quagmire and physically and emotionally been unable to lift much more than my nose off the ground. At this point, finding your first step is really difficult even if you're busting with hope, enthusiasm or pure desperation because that first step is so small it's barely an incline.  Our son fell into a bit of a heap a few years ago and sounds very similar to your son, except he was involved with Scouts and his youth group and had really good support there. I thought I'd share the story of him getting his Ls and he's now almost got his hours up to go for his Ps.  I took him for his first Ls test and failed and blew up in spectacular fashion and it was horrible both to see him so upset and to have to deal with the fallout. He turned his back on getting his Ls and it was a closed door. However, his mates at youth kept onto him as peers can often seem to do in a way that parents can't and ultimately movement came when his youth leader offered him a tub of Baskin Robbins ice cream if he booked himself in for the L test by the end of the next day. He was like a young man possessed. Unfortunately, this wasn't long after lockdown and there was a massive backlog and he couldn't get a booking locally for a few months and so we ended up driving him 1.5 hours away to do the test. My husband took time off work and the three of us went up there and he thank goodness passed. However, it was few months before we actually managed to get him to drive our car. I spoke with the OT who had also been his OT as he is on the NDIS and he said some people are anxious just putting the key in the ignition and starting the car. I'm an anxious driver but that's never been a problem. So when he asked me for $20.00, I said I'd give it to him if he sat in the car and turned the engine on. Off he went. He went driving in carparks with the youth leaders and then out with my husband first. He has come such a long way. A few months ago, he asked me to drive somewhere, I initially said no also because I hadn't driven there myself in over 10 years and suggested he went with his Dad. However, we drove over and that went well and so I agreed. However, I said we'd go late at night since a friend had suggested that's a good time to handle it for the first time when there isn't much traffic around. He went really well.   While the driving is going well, he has fallen in a hole with getting paid employment although he volunteers at church and I am waiting, hoping maybe trying to nudge him ever so subtly to apply for a paid job.  I should also mention that he's been a lot more chatty with us over the last couple of years.  My daughter is also 17. She's in Year 12. She's missed a lot of school due to some medical issues but she's wanting a career in dance. She was going to do her HSC and started the year with enough subjects to get an ATAR. However, subject by subject she derailed and just before the trials she dropped her ATAR subjects. We come from a very academic family so this wasn't easy for us to process. However, its clear she is who she is and she'd missed so much school and was so anxious that even I realised it wasn't worth the risk to her mental health. I have done Lifeline's suicide intervention course, ASIST, and I was becoming concerned. It just became very clear that for her to do the conventional thing and have her HSC was barking up the wrong tree and the seemingly precarious path of becoming a dancer was ironically a more sensible route for her. BTW I should mention that she is academically bright and was in the OC class in primary school. Something seriously derailed and the extensive covid lockdowns and her health issues were too much.  BTW like your son, our daughter has refused to see a psychologist and would rather go to the dentist. I've got her along a couple of times and she goes silent, curls up in a ball and it's painful. It's also expensive. I've ended up being her help and like yourself, I've spoken to professionals to find out what to do and I have a few close friends I turn to as well.  My daughter tends to withdraw when things aren't going well. I'm an extrovert but she's an introvert especially when she's stressed. We end up talking to her closed door or via text or a grunt if we're lucky. However, I got into this thing of sending her funny photos mainly of fashion, our dogs etc weird things I found on Salvos online and she would respond most of the time. The trick is finding that spark, the makings of a spark even to get things started.  My OT put me onto a fantastic book which has really helped me....James Clear: Atomic Habits. He explains really well how really small but continuous small steps accumulate and make a difference. It's been life changing for me because there have been so many things I've wanted to do, agreed to do and then nothing happens and I've never understood why. He recommends attaching a new habit to an existing habit and that helps trigger my memory and he also recommends setting a time and place for an action. It really works.  The other thing I wanted to mention, is that while my daughter hasn't been real communicative with me lately, I've been exchanging texts with a young woman from church who is going through a tough times and she's been really open with me which is lovely and I am sort of like an aunty but I call her my friend. After all, I have some elderly friends and so age isn't a barrier. I did tell her that if I had concerns I'd be in touch with Mum and dad and I have had to do that as she went off her meds. I wanted to mention that. I'm not sure what the recommendations are for teens taking anti-depressants and whether they are in charge of their own medication or whether parents are supervising it but it raised questions for me about them taking too many pills at once or going off it and giving the impression they're fine and the meds are working when they're actually in a bad way.  I guess my question would be for you to think about what helps your son feel a bit better...listening to music, going for a walk, getting some sun/air, Has anything helped him in the past? All of us here seem to find walking helps. A friend told me that scents help him calm like a scented candle, or deodorant. Another friend used to stand in the water down at the beach. She was fighting cancer and going through a divorce so she certainly had a lot going on and that helped her. You could try the above as well.  The challenge is to give him and I guess yourself a glimmer of hope. Something going well for him beyond his electronics. The smallest step which can accumulate into a meaningful transition.  I hope this helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Whippet1, Sorry to here your son is also doing it tough. He is not alone and lock down certain affected a lot of people's mental health and their aspirations. My son has had serious immobilising anxiety and progress has been slow, stressful but he's consolidating and moving forward and is now in a very different place. Our son is on the spectrum and on the NDIS and I also have acute health issues which have impacted him since he was very young and that's had a big impact and I was very vulnerable with covid which didn't help.  What I see as the key is that you have this person say who is lying face down say in bed and probably with the door closed. How do you get this person to say get up and go to school? Breaking it down into small steps but these steps are smaller micro steps.  One of the things we were working towards with our son was to get him onto his Ps but he'd failed his L test the first time and was paralysed. He goes to a youth group at our church and the youth worker offered him a tub of Baskin Robbins ice cream if he booked in his L test. This was just post lock down and we had to drive him 1.5 hours to where he could get a booking but he did it and he didn't seem to pick up or mind that he was being in effect manipulated. So he passes the L test but then wouldn't drive. I speak to the OT who he wasn't speaking to btw. He said some people get anxious just sitting in the car and putting the key in the ignition. I am am anxious driver but that's never bothered me but I took it onboard and when he asked me for $20.00 I said I'd give it to him if he sat in the car and turned on the ignition. He was off in a flash. Again didn't object. A few of the youth leaders from church took him driving round local carparks before he'd go driving with us. Finally, he'd go out with us. A year or so later, he almost has his 120 hours up. He asked to drive us around another area. I initially said no because I hadn't been for probably 20 years but we drove over and he was good and off we went but we left about 9.00pm when the traffic was low. All good. I was so proud of him.  I hope you find his story encouraging and I think it illustrates just how small these steps at the start might need to be but they add up and take off and suddenly they're in a place you thought was impossible.  Much of this line of thought is outlined in a book by James Clear called "Atomic Habits". I am currently reading it myself and it's fantastic. He has a few strategies for making progress and much of that is based on repeated action.  Take care and best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi  vicchick , Thank you for writing into the forum and being so open about what's going on for you, your son and his friend. I don't know how others find parenting but for us it's been full of surprises both good and bad and trying to get our heads around things. We have a 19 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. Both of them were hit hard by the lockdowns at school and both have probably quite serious trouble with anxiety at times. Last week our daughter dropped her ATAR subjects because it was too hard to catch up and her anxiety was through the roof. She's wanting to be a professional dancer and doing well down that path but for academic soul like myself, it's been challenging getting my head around that and having to explain things to my parents.  Gender orientation seems to have become much more of a question mark these days. There's much more acceptance that if you don't relate to your physical gender, that you can explore other avenues. However, the traits that we transitionally see as "male" or "female" are much more complex or mixed up so we have guys who are sensitive, caring, emotional and women who are aggressive, competitive, physically strong for example. Perhaps there's more of a continuum. Maybe by saying he wishes he was a girl, it could mean a range of things. Maybe he'd like to wear dresses and makeup sometimes and have fancy hair or at least try that. Women wear traditionally male clothes everyday but men don't have the same freedom. \ Personally, I have never been a girly girl and I had a brother and my dad had 5 brothers and I thought it was much more interesting being a boy as a young child than wearing fancy clothes and not being allowed to run around and get dirty. These days I see myself more as creative and that probably defines me more.  I don't think it's easy for young people to find their way into their adult shoes and I am still evolving. I guess the challenge is trying support our kids when their choices are confronting and keeping communication open is really important but difficult. Reachout mentions the benefit of having a chat in the car where there isn't direct eye contact and it's less confrontational.  BTW we have a few friends we can talk to about our more challenging parenting moments and that really help and I come here.  Hope this helps and all the best, Birdwings ... View more

Hey @Johnny888  I'm sorry I didn't pick up on your chronic depression when I first read your message. I was so focused on the conception of your daughters and its impact that I somehow overlooked it. While there is no magic wand for overcoming any chronic situation, there are small things which can make a difference. I have being living with a fairly acute autoimmune disease for 17 years and it's certainly a rollercoaster ride. While nothing will cure that and I have been told my lungs are cactus, there have been small things which have helped and there have been many times where those first few steps are so invisible that you'd never believe any meaningful change is possible. I have regular occupational therapy which offers a practical pathway towards overcoming difficulties including mental health. MY OT has been influence by a book by James Clear: "Atomic Habits" which is all about starting very small. I am now about halfway through the book and its very good. A few of the things I try to do is a 10 minutes walk each day, getting a bit of sunshine and getting out of the house. The thing I have noticed when I'm out is that there are almost always Rainbow Lorikeets. I don't know whether they are as cheerful as they sound but I find them uplifting and they cheer me up.  I hope this helps. Sometimes things get grindingly tough but hang in there and writing this message into our parenting forum really does constitute a significant step towards trying to find a way forward.  Take care! Best wishes, BIrdwings ... View more

Hi Helplessmama, Thank you so much for writing into the forum and seeking support and advice. To me that shows resourcefulness and such love and concern for your son within this terrible confusion of what's going on. I am Mum to a 19 year old son who left school at 17 at he start of Year 12 and has a diagnosis of lvl2 ASD. My daughter is 17 and in Year 12 but has missed so much school w2ith lockdowns, a chronic health condition and also wants to pursue a career in the performing arts. So last week, she dropped all her ATAR subjects and were aiming to reduce her anxiety.  My first question would be whether you have been in touch with the school. Our school has a deputy in charge of each year and I have got to know them well on our pathway through high school. I would go into the school and meet with that person and tell them what you've written here. The school is well resourced and experienced with things like school refusal, bullying, not fitting in anxiety etc. The careers advisor could also be helpful and maybe leaving at the end of year 10 to do an apprenticeship might be the go. The other option could be to go to TAFE and giving them a call. My friend's son did year 10 at TAFE and did really well and so much better.  I hope that helps. I need to duck off and pick up my daughter. She works at MAccas. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Johnny, Thank you so much for writing into the forum and sharing what is a very painful secret. That's one of the things I really like about being able to come here that you can share something very private anonymously and hopefully get some good advice and also I think there's a sense of relief being able to share a secret like hitting the release on a pressure cooker.  I'm Mum to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter.  I had two aunts who couldn't have children and went unsuccessfully through IVF. So although this isn't something I've experienced myself, I've had exposure. I've had a few friends who were adopted but all knew from a young age and one found her birth mother and her parents had subsequently married. Her adopted parents were quite elderly and they were always gracious and happy for a relationship there but they were pretty incredible people.  I personally feel it would be better for you to tell them. There are these Ancestry DNA tests and people can do them for fun and get some unexpected results. I have a blogging friend who is in her 70s I think and took a test and found out her father wasn't her biological father and she was related to the local doctor and it looks like that was some kind of donor thing years ago. She has come a across a few people who have had similar experiences and I think there was an episode of Insight which addressed this as well.  There are numerous issues to consider from your point of view and theirs. One point that I would want to know if I was them is who is the donor? Do you know or can you find out? That would be something I would look into first before telling them. There will be people who wouldn't care about a biological donor and not want to know more and at the other extreme are those who want to know everything. They might also suspect they're not like you in some ways and it might not be a huge surprise. I think it's very encouraging that your relationship has been strong despite your divorce and that their mother hasn't spilled the beans.  I have found a link which should be helpful: https://www.varta.org.au/after-donor-conception/telling-children-family-and-others My comments so far have focused more on your daughters than yourself. However, I would recommend you have some counseling or be able to talk to a close relative or friend before you start going down this path to get yourself into good psychological shape. I also think that when you talk to your daughters, it would be good to share your heartbreak about not being able to be a biological father and the lengths you and their mother went through to have them and how much you love them. I also wonder whether you and their mother could work together on this. That would give them added support.  I hope that helps and you sound like such a loving and caring Dad and I hope this turns out well. Best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

That's great news. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Sandy 99, Sorry to hear about your difficulties getting your daughter to attend school. I am Mum to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter. You didn't say which state you live in, but we're in NSW where we had a few lockdowns over the last couple of years with covid and from what I can see for some maybe even many kids it's upset the apple cart. I know our kids were in a pretty solid routine with going to school and doing homework in primary school and we had scheduled all my son's assessments prior to covid and then everything stopped. Kids who didn't like going to school, felt uncomfortable or were struggling there in any way, were able to stay home and liked it. They got out of the swing of having to be there every day and there was an out. For some, it's been hard going back and they have missed slabs of critical learning making it hard to pick themselves up 2-3 years down the track.  Years 8 and 9 have traditionally been a bit of a tough time too.  If she isn't comfortable at school, maybe TAFE could be an alternative. My friend's son really switched on doing year 10 at TAFE and he might even have done year 9 as well.  Trying to get her to talk about what's going will probably be no easier than getting her to school, but you never know. My daughter occasionally makes some big admission and completely surprises me. One of the places which is good to talk is in the car where you have that sideways communication without direct eye contact. It's less confronting. I also try and stay connected to my daughter via text and might send her photos of funny things. I love been grounded at home with my health lately and love checking out salvos online and I text through photos of funny outfits I find and I have bought her a few treats.  Lastly, I probably should've mentioned this before but touching base with the school and working with them to try to get her re-engaged would be a first step. The school is used to dealing with school avoidance and all sorts of things teens throw at us and I've found them very helpful. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Dear purpledaisy87 I am so sorry to hear you're struggling and from what I remember of that period when my kids were young, it's tough going and a big adjustment for both parents. Did you go to mother's group and do you have a support group of other mums you can talk to? I also went to playgroup with my kids, which can be tricky when you're working. My kids are now 19 and 17 and admittedly we've lived in the one house all these years but my kids have friends they've known all their lives through playgroup and I also still know they're parents even if we don't hang out socially.  I remember when I did mother's group, we had to write a list of both the pros and cons since having the baby. The list of cons was probably 3 times as long as the pros and I think we were all a bit down at the time but what this shows is that parenting a young baby isn't easy and it's difficult to recalibrate relationships and who does what. One thing we were advised to do is to schedule some downtime for each of us to do something which was important to us. Perhaps, you'd like to exercise or read a book 30 minutes a day. Maybe dad could take your daughter for a walk to give you some time. Naturally, it would also be good if he'd take on more of the chores and see your family as a team. I am not expert on that front as I need to get our teens to do more of the chores.  Talking to your baby health nurse would be a good port of call.  Also do you have any family around who would be willing to help out?  Anyway, there's just a few ideas and please keep in touch if you need more support. You don't need to go it alone. Love, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Dear @Boblistar , So sorry to hear what you're going through. We have a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter and they keep us on our toes.  Our kids haven't moved out and actually haven't been very active in the dating scene. However, my friend's daughter moved out, back with dad and now she and the boyfriend are back at their place with a baby on the way. You probably didn't want to hear that I guess that's also a concern with teenage relationships. So much stress and hard to know where to turn.  Through everything we've been through as a family, I think the great challenge is trying to keep the lines of communication open with teens. I am often trying to talk to our daughter through a closed door and I've had to be resourceful trying to connect with her. I don't know whether you have a family pet your son might be missing, but perhaps you could text through a photo. Or maybe just a text to say hi. I remember when I was young how connected you can become with your boyfriend/girlfriend and it's us against the world and it can be hard to compete with that as a parent. Hopefully, you've laid enough groundwork for that to filter through and remind you of what you mean to him. When I've been worried about my daughter, there have been times where I haven't been able to reach her but something kickstarted in her and she pulled back of her own accord. That isn't always the case. The other thing is if there are some of his friends you might run into or social group, sport etc where you might be about to keep in touch via a third party. That said, maybe there's a family member who could approach him. I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings.  ... View more

Hi Malena, Being a parent can be so challenging when they're going through trying times and it's hard to know how to respond.  Choosing a career and investing all that time and money into a degree is a huge decision, and it might just be that he's revisiting that with fresh eyes and needs to re-evaluate why he's doing that course and the career path ahead. On the other hand, he might feel he understand himself better now and that he's not suited to this career.  My son's school career adviser put me onto the VIA SUrvey and it looks at your strengths and interests and I found it quite helpful. Here's the link: https://www.viacharacter.org/ She also gave me some booklets which came with it and they explained how your strength also could have downsides as well. Say someone who is curious can also become nosey. Here's the link: https://www.viacharacter.org/ I also think it's worth factoring in how disrupted things have been for our young people over the last three years and so many of us have had a rethink.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

So sorry to hear your daughter's trip flopped and was such a disappointment. I can just imagine her excitement about going and then the crushing disappointment and sense of failure. I went overseas when I was 22 and was with friends some of the time but on my own too. Within a week of leaving I'd had my wallet stolen and had lost my passport. I rang a friend back in Sydney from a payphone in Heidelberg and was a mess. Travelling in Europe was so different to getting around in Australia and as a young backpacker on a low budget, you are roughing it and it's not always safe. I ended up living with a family in Germany as a nanny and they suited me very well and I went to a local church and got to know people and didn't move around a lot which suited me well.  These days I'm a parent to a 19 year old son and 17 year old daughter. My daughter wants to become a professional ballerina and could well be heading overseas next year and she has anxiety issues and has lived in the same house all her life and known some of her close friends since birth at playgroup and I could see her struggling like your daughter so it was good read your message. I've just started taking her to the psychologist to get some help with HSC special provisions.  My daughter sounds a bit similar to yours and she always retreats to her room...good or bad. It can be a real struggle to reach her especially when I know things have gone pear shaped and there are times where I've had serious concerns about her mental health. I actually went and did the Lifeline Suicide Intervention course because it was being offered free to local residents through Rotary and there's often somebody not doing too well and I thought it would be good to be skilled up and it has been.  What I find works with my daughter is sending her text messages or photos of something like maybe our dog or a funny outfit I saw at the op shop that day. It's harder  to start this off but once we got going we have our own little language going. I have serious health issues and have been home a lot lately and discovered Salvo's Online and it's been fabulous. She had a really rotten day a few weeks ago and I got on there and found a few dresses and sent photos through to her and bought them. She loves pink and I managed to get her a beautiful pink sequin dress for $25.00 and she looked like a movie star when she tried it on. I've also bought a few things for myself and have asked for her opinion and just photographed the screen and sent a text through. I also find very weird stuff and text that to her and we have a laugh.  I also check in with my kids and they're used to it now. I am a big fan of the RUOK  program. At the same time, not everyone wants to talk about their issues and my daughter is one of those. So having them know that you're alongside them is good too, although it's really hard when they're locked away in their room!!  I also thought I'd touch on just how difficult that first few steps can be when you've hit rock bottom, or at least believe you have. I've always been a big fan of a quote from Lao Tzu: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" However, that makes the whole process seem relatively easy. All you need to do is take this one step and the rest falls into place. However, when things are really tough, you often have to break what seems like the first step into a series of seemingly invisible microsteps. While these steps are agonizingly simple and it's tempting to despair and feel there will never be any progress, they start to add up and hopefully before you know it, you're leaping hurdles.  I am in this very situation myself. I have a lung condition and my lung capacity suddenly dropped from 50% to 30% and I'm frequently short of breath and my lips were turning blue. My goodness. It was a wakeup call. Fortunately, I've had physio and still have weekly occupational therapy. I started back on my 10 minute walks when I was walking 5000-10,000 steps a day in January  and there are some days it's easy and other days I seriously struggle. I also use a devise where I have to breathe in and try to lift three balls up in the air. At `first, I could only lift the first ball and now I routinely raise the second and when the third balls started to rattle and start moving, I was over the moon. Sometimes, I can raise all three and other days I'm back to two, but it's progress. I also do diaphragmatic breathing and that had to start from scratch too. I also pursue my interests and reward myself, whih is important too. Having some kind of light when you're in a dark place is so important.  Lastly, I've never tried sending cards or letters under my kids' closed door and I don't know how that would go, but when things were tough for me many years ago, my friend used to send me little notes on the back of postcards she'd picked up on her travels. and they meant the world to me. This might be a good way of acknowledging where you're daughter's at and that you understand and are there for her (these were always important to me with my mum and dad) but there is also that need for her to start taking those very tentative first steps.  I hope this is helpful. Being a parent isn't easy at times, especially when our kids are hurting no matter how old they are.  Best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

Dear Horses Rule, I found your predicament rather interesting as my kids have both been close to the youngest in their year at school and so we haven't been put in this position. We have a son who is 19 and a 17 year old daughter. My husband and I barely drink and like yourselves would take the issue of supplying alcohol to a minor seriously. Yet, at the same time, I also know how young people really look forward to having that first drink with their friends. It's a bit of a tradition for a parent to take their 18 year old to the pub for their first beer. We didn't do that ourselves but our son's friend took him out for his first drink. I think his party was alcohol free but they went out afterwards. Maybe your daughter could have a drink with her friend who is over 18 with just the two of them.  I thought I'd also mention that the range of fancy non-alcoholic drinks has expanded greatly these days and a bit of creative flair could create a fun but alcohol-free alternative.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @dailystress, Sorry to hear about your struggles with your daughter. I'm Mum to an 18 year old son and 16 year old daughter. I feel your concern and stress. I haven't come across this with my own kids, but some of my daughter's friends have posted inappropriate photos on Instagram and there have been images which have done the rounds at school. Barriers definitely go down via social media and electronics and many people seem to share things they wouldn't share in real life- young and not so young.  One suggestion I've got is about maintaining personal boundaries and that what she puts out into an online electronic format could end up anywhere and surface any time. When I was young, I used to write really intense letters to guys who had dumped me and my mother really cautioned me about sending them. Sleep on it. That's had a lasting impact on how I handle difficult situations.  I'm not sure most teenagers know the meaning of "sensible" and I certainly did things I later regretted but the impact was a lot smaller back in the day and relatively contained.  One of the things we often recommend in the forum here, is the benefit of going for a drive with your teen and having a chat where there isn't direct eye-contact. That sideways perspective is less confronting. Through these driving chats, I've really built a good bond with our daughter and she's told me more about what's going on with her and her friends. Staying connected with my kids is probably my priority with how I handle difficult situations with them and it can be a fine line but to me very important. BTW when my daughter does go underground, I use the phone to my advantage and send her photos of something non-confronting like a funny outfit I saw at the op shop. Dog photo etc.  I hope that helps and in the meantime I hope with the busyness of Christmas you find the time for a relaxing cup of tea.  Me too! Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @Buddyboo and I'd also like to welcome to our online community! It's so good you've identified this trait in your daughter when she's young and she has a better chance of working through it and learning how to let go. My mum has held onto things people have said to her over 50 years ago and doesn't let them go and it would've been great if she'd addressed this as a young person. There are a few classic sayings about letting go such as "pick your battles" and forgiveness is an important process, which is much more important for the person doing the forgiving and issues don't fester like a cancer or infection.  The other aspect of this is why she feels the need to hold on. Does she like to be in control and are there things in her life which are feeling beyond her control that are concerning her?  Dealing with anger could be another aspect of this situation.  Maybe learning so simple relaxation or mindfulness techniques might help. Going for a walk or a run. Visualising the situation dissolving or disappearing like a helium balloon into the sky might help. When Reachout first came into being, they used to have a rocket in the teen's section and they could write their problem inside the rocket and then press a button to send their problem into space. It seemed like a great idea to me.  I hope those suggestions help.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

It's natural for you to want to protect your daughter, and for you to grieve the closeness the three of you shared before he came along, but it's also good that you've acknowledged that your reaction is over the top and you're working to reach a better equilibrium. We are not at the mercy of our thoughts and feelings but we can learn to reign the is the purpose of native behavioural therapy. When you find yourself with repetitive unwanted thoughts, try to put something else in there and break the cycle. Maybe think about a few things ou are grateful for. This young man could also be a blessing in your life and maybe you could go and do something with him like going fishing, or maybe the four of you could go for a bushwalk.  A friend of mine's daughter recently got a boyfriend and he hit the roof. she's about 14 and they're just holding hands and going to youth group together so nothing dramatic. But his whole psyche changed and it was a wake up call. Fortunately, he has some good friends and they spoke positively about the young man and I think he's going through some similar views to yourself although at a younger age level. He has to be careful too in my mind because just as the young man is under his microscope, the door swings both ways and young people talk and he could end up copping flack.  I am also in a situation where a very close friend of mine recently got married. It's his second marriage and he's been single the whole time I've known him and has been there for many people and has even had people in need staying in his house. This guy is almost pure gold. We've all been able to ring him up and talk about stuff and send a text without having someone looking over his shoulder. He's had the time and space in his life that most of us don't have. There's a very real possibility that he's going to move away and we're all dreading that. It's a case of I'll face that when I come to it but we were all there at their wedding and really genuinely happy for them both and I get on quite well with his wife and look forward to getting to know her better. I have also had a number of old friends cross my path again so that's going to help too.  Maybe broadening your social circle might be something to consider as well.  Hope this helps and I really admire you for seeing the psychologist, talking to your wife and daughter about your feelings and coming here. Just making those steps alone are significant. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thank you for sharing and for rusting us collectively with what's going on for you and your daughter. What I really appreciate about coming her is that you can talk openly in a forum and hear from multiple people and yet it's confidential. These matters ar so personal and painful and most of us don't want everyone knowing our business.  As I mentioned before, our daughter is 16 and he was in Year 9 when she was 14 which is often acknowledged as a difficult year for some teens. Our daughter didn't directly run away when she was 14 but she did stay with friends for a few days on and off and she was hanging out at our local park and actually got punched by another girl down there. She also ended up taking a bottle of vodka to school and got caught and suspended. Our school deputy was very good and told her not to let that situation define her and she knew she was basically a good kid and to get back on track, which she's largely done. Naturally, I was very concerned about her at the time and it's very hard not to freak out within yourself or at them. I'm sure I would've consulted Reachout at this time and it could well have been when I first got involved with the parent forums. Do you have a friend or close family member you can talk with about what's going on? Also, is there a trusted friend or family member who your daughter could speak to? A group she could belong to out of school and find connection? Our son went through Scouts and Venturers as well as the Church youth group Our daughter is very involved in dance and has her dance friends.  Have you heard from your daughter since she left? Do you know where she is? there's a bit of a knack to reconnecting with teens who have shut down. I'm an extrovert and naturally very chatty however, my daughter withdraws and goes silent at the drop of a hat and I have to work pretty hard at trying to re-establish communication. I might send her a photo of the dog who usually has a tennis ball in her mouth or a photo of an funny outfit I saw at the op shop. You could send a song too. Just something to break the ice doesn't address any of the problems. Let her know you're thinking of her and she is missed and loved. When things improve and she's back home, one of the ways we've talked about building connection has been talking in the car or in a situation where you're sitting side by side and don't have direct eye contact. While we're always told to maintain eye contact in a conversation to be polite, it can also be confronting. Sitting beside someone tells them that you're with them but not talking over.  Meanwhile, are you doing anything to look after yourself and have a bit of self-care and are you familiar with the idea of self-care? We ll have something of a personal fuel tank and when you have stressful situations going on, your tank can very easily run dry and so the need is there to keep topping your own tank somehow to keep yourself on the road. I often even see my humble cup of tea as a form of self-care and we have three dogs.  Actually, I meant to ask you if you have a pet and whether a pet might ground your daughter better at home? We have four in our family and three dogs and we need them all. When we get up or come home, they're there wagging their tails and jumping all over us hail rain or shine.  Difficult to know what has triggered her to leave this time when she's not there to ask. Hard to know too whether it was spontaneous or thought out. My daughter used to run into the girl who punched her and bullied her and she was terrified and that went on for quite awhile.  Well, I hope that helps and know I'm thinking of you and you're not alone. We love our kids and don't understand what they do sometimes or how our precious child could end up in that situation and so we parents need to stick together and know that many of us are dealing with stuff.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

This is Birdwings again. I'm sorry my last message ended so abruptly but my keyboard ran out of battery and I've switched to another computer.  How do I cope is a question so many of us are asking at any one time but for so many different reasons but there are things you can do to reduce the stress. On one hand, you can better try to understand what is motivating your daughter and see whether there's anything you can do to help her stay home. Are either of you receiving counselling at all?  Then there are things you can do to help you feel better. These things can seem very basic such as exercise, sunshine, eating well, talking with a friend, doing a fun activity. Keeping a journal and writing down how you feel and venting those emotions can really help too. I like to get out into nature and go to the beach. There's also things like trying to show down your breathing.  I hope that helps and perhaps someone else can help you with some more specific information and support.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi there, Welcome to the parents' forum. Is this your first time here? I come here quite often sometimes with my own concerns, but also to chat with other parents who are going through stuff because it's really important not to feel alone, especially when things are tough and we feel bamboozled as parents. Perhaps, you would like to make yourself a cup of tea as we chat. I'm sipping on a decaf tea before I go to bed and my dog is on my lap and doesn't seem to mind my keyboard perched on top of him and me typing away.  I am Mum to an 18 year old son and 16 year old daughter.  Your message had two issues...teenager repeatedly running away and how do you cope.  Do you have any idea why your daughter is running away?  It would also be helpful if you could share how old she is and a few details so the Reachout crew can respond  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi yrrep Welcome to the parents' forum. Have you been here before? I'm Mum to an 18 year old son and a 16 year old daughter and I come here quite regularly to check out a few things for myself but also to share with other parents in the same you would over a coffee in person. My kids aren't dating atm and I haven't been through the feelings you describe myself. However, one of my close friends from school whose daughters are a couple of years older, is now an empty nester and she was really missing her girls for a while and went through what I'd describe as a phase of grief. To me, that is understandable and she's worked through it now and is fine with it all. Maybe to help you get through this, maybe you and your wife could go on a few special dates and have say a family dinner night once a week with the three of you and maybe sometimes invite the boyfriend. Letting go as our children grow up is inevitable and not easy. My daughter is likely to leave the country with her career options and give me a couple of years and I'll be going through the grieving process too, although my husband and I are also looking forward to regaining our independence and being able to travel.  I hope this helps, although it sounds like your grief is running deep and you are quite distressed.  Anyway, it's good you've come to this space where you can share what you're feeling and I really commend you on wanting to work through your feelings to protect the good relationships you have with your wife and daughter. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Lily, I am also Mum to a 16 year old daughter. I received a call from the deputy concerned my daughter wasn't in a good headspace. I can never get her to see anyone and so I manage things with her myself and pop in here and you'll see her friends were in a car accident last week and I left a message about that in the forum. It can be really hard to know how a teenager is going What I've found works really well is talking in the car. I've always thought having eye contact is important in a conversation. However, it can also be confronting and side-by-side conversations can be much more effective and easy to do in the car, going for a walk or going fishing for example.  In my daughter's instance, bout a week or two later, her best friend dropped flowers over because she knew she was having a tough time. Obviously, that was red flag.  While I didn't get my daughter to see anyone, these warnings enabled my husband and I to be more compassionate and understanding about chores that weren't done and withdrawals.  The eating situation is difficult to address. My daughter dances intensely and it goes with the turf. One tip I got from a friend is that teens with eating issues will hide food in their clothing eg like sticking cheese in their socks or perhaps showering after meals.  I find myself often in silence with my daughter is an introvert and I'm an extrovert and I might have to wait quite awhile for her to speak up and say what's going on but we have a really good connection and she eventually goes speak up.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi there @nala20, Sorry to hear you and your daughter are struggling. I have times where my kids have gone quiet and had depression and I talked to my dad (or perhaps he raised it with me) and he asked me: Have you asked him what's wrong? Well., I hadn't and it wasn't easy to get him to talk at the time either and I was mostly trying to work things out from the outside. I think my dad has a point. I have some experience with people on the spectrum. The whole idea of being able to "cure" autism is very controversial. However, there are things which can make things better or worse. Sensory issues is one area where a difference can be made without too much effort. Some people are sensitive to their clothes and say the tag at the back which can easily be cut off. Not everyone likes being hugged which other people on the spectrum are sensory seeking and love hugs. A lot of teens have trouble fitting in and finding their tribe and this can be compounded for teens on the spectrum. Scouts and Guides are good activities. Finding something your daughter enjoys and and has a bit of talent would help too. She doesn't need to be a high achiever. I make cakes for friends. Volunteering or getting a job can help. Small steps. I hope something here might help.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Dear Lancaster, Sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex and your boys. I am Mum to an 18 year old male and a 16 year old daughter. I am married so haven't gone through this situation personally. However, a number of my friends are divorced and been through this with their kids to the point where their kids refuse to talk or see them. I'm not entirely sure whether it's the ex turning the kids off mum or the kids' doing. However, I wanted to mention a situation called parental alienation which is where a parent turns kids off the other parent and ends up gaining full custody. I don't know whether kids find it hard going in between parents and feel they have to take a side in the same way people support a football team. I personally feel kids need both parents. Perhaps, someone else could add more to this. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thank you very much for that. I've forwarded it to my daughter and her friend's Mum. I am grateful my daughter spoke to me about it as the group has gone fairly silent about it and another close friend who wasn't in the car but was very close to them hadn't said anything to her mum and I was able to fill her in. I have always been very careful with my daughter getting lifts and I pick her up late at night and drive her friends home. Fortunately, I'm a night owl but it's nothing for me to duck out to keep her safe.  We often speak about how talking with teenagers in the car is very effective and it's been great in this situation. I picked my daughter up from work and we had a chat in the car about her concerns about her friend dying and also about the aftermath of the accident. The driver has to go to court. The friends are all really close and standing by each other but the driver feels bad about my daughter's friend getting injured and there's a lot for them all to process. We lived in a tight community and news travels fast so there's a desire to keep the accident low key and not to make these young people look bad, especially the driver. Yet, there's also a need to talk and debrief. Fortunately, the teens are supporting each other fairly well and I've touched base with the parents I know to support each other. I do think it's been a valuable life lesson though about responsible driving. This accident happened on a suburban street where the driver went too fast through a roundabout. He wasn't joyriding or on the freeway. That's even a good reminder to me.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Dear NLSBH, I'm glad I came across your post. I just sat down with a cup of tea and fresh biscuit and thought I'd check into the parent forum. Perhaps, I was meant to read your letter.  I ave an 18 year old son and a 16 year old daughter who is in Year 11. Our daughter is training to be a ballerina and we are immersed in this world of young people studying dance full time, versus school and the hours that need to go into becoming professional. There's also this mindset of absolute focus which goes with it which is what they need to succeed but can make it hard for them to juggle multiple hats. I often hear the dance years in Year 12 being quite dismissive of their HSC even though they're smart because they're not going to need it. They are made of different stuff.  My grandmother was an international concert pianist who went on to work as a music critic and taught at the Con and my mother was her pupil, which is how my parents met. So, I'm very familiar with this world of pianos and what's required. My grandmother did 4 hours of practice a day as a female and men were expected to do six. It is all-consuming.  One thing that crosses my mind is whether this school is the right fit for your son and whether he would be better suited to a performing arts high school and whether you have one in your area. I wonder whether they would understand the way he thinks better. If he's a square peg trying to make him fit could be a battlefield at best. The other thing I'll just mention is there are some general character traits which go along with these intensely talented people and I put myself in the same boat s a writer. We can be intensely focused, obsessive and can become very narrow in our focus. I also mention Asbergers which doesn't correlate to the current DSMV definitions but being a non-conformist and doing your own thing can be an overlap between creatives and people on the spectrum. I come from a large family so I've been able to see how the talent pool plays out and we have quite a few quirky characters and some very high academic achievers. I have been fairly direct in my approach to all of this. I have always tried to extend my kids into multiple spheres. Both our kids did scouts which got them outside and camping etc. Practical. Our daughter is working at McDonald's. She was in the OC class in primary school and is gifted for her processing speed. She's lost interest and covid really derailed her. However, people have started calling her dumb and so she's now decided to fight back and wants to be dux. She's very competitive. There are many different ways to do the HSC these days as well such as via TAFE and doing mature entry.  All that said, it all stresses me out. I am academic and I worry my kids are going to end up uneducated let alone unemployable. HOwever, we laid the ground work with doing reading and talking about current affairs etc and we're seeing them start to take that onboard for themselves.  I hope that helps and I'd be happy to stay in touch. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

You're definitely not alone, and sometimes I wonder why schools don't communicate with parents on school refusal as a broader issue and not just about your child. I'm on the P & C at the school and they're holding a draw for an apple i phone for people with good attendance because attendance is such a problem. I don't know that stats but the covid lockdowns can't have helped and for students who didn't like going to school before, it gave them a breather and a feel of what it was like to be away.  Since others have addressed self-care, I thought I'd touch on some alternatives to doing HSC or your state equivalent via school. Here in NSW there is a one year TAFE course to get our HSC and ATAR. That really suits some people better than the whole school system. There's also distance education.  School doesn't necessarily reflect the real world and kids are thrown together in large numbers and if you prefer your own space, that can be very daunting. I still remember how stressful it can be just having someone to sit with, especially if your bestie is away. My daughter is also 16 and she seeming ticks the boxes and yet she's not one of the most popular girls and there's that intimidation. The whole pecking order thing and having to be a certain way can be really difficult and I know my daughter just tries to fly under the radar and has a close group of friends. She misses a fair bit of school through health issues and our son left school in March of year 12 and is still in limbo but volunteering at church.  I was at my old school fete last week and there was a poster on the wall for September with something the students could do for self-care every day like going for a walk, massage, phone a friend. They also had a poster showing activities which charge your batteries and thing that drain them, which was very interesting.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more