Hi Footy, Sorry to hear about your grand daughter's struggles and the difficulties her parents have been having. BReading through your message, I had a few questions such as how old is your grand-daughter as that has quite an impact on what sort of ideas I'd recommend and would you mind also elaborating on what you mean by personal care issues. Off the cuff, it sounds like she isn't taking care of herself and might be depressed. Also, if she feels rejected by her parents, low self esteem would be a factor. While giving her parents a break is good and it's great that you're taking her in and giving her a loving home, it would also be good to try to rebuild relationships with her parents n really small also miniscule steps.  One of the things that often comes up in the forum here, is that going for a drive with teens can help to build connection. While there's this idea about looking people in the eye and using eye contact in conversation as a rule, that can be confronting to teens and can feel like an interrogation. Going for a walk, cooking, fishing, gardening are also activities you can do together that are side by side as well.  I am Mum to a 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter, and my parents have been a big part of their lives growing up, although they've seen less of them over the last couple of years, especially due to covid. Grandparents often have a critical role in their grandchildren's lives. I was very close to my grandparents and often spent time with them during school holidays and clashed terribly with my mother. I don't really feel my mother made a huge effort to connect with me and didn't really understand me.My Dad and my grandparents were my anchors. I' still not real close to my Mum but my kids are ad I'm grateful for that. Families are very complex entities and as long as there are close connections somewhere in the mix and ypung peple have someone to turn to, you can bridge difficult relationships.  Hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Jam, It was a pleasure to respond to your situation with your son and to think about it. I really believe we need to look out for each other and as our kids get older, we don't have that same banter we had with other parents when they were younger, and covid has really compounded that.  I was thinking back to when I left school and I was in a serious relationship and I went to uni  but my boyfriend didn't and was a very kind soul, but not the brightest spark. He broke up with me shortly after I started uni because he thought I'd be better off without him. He felt inadequate and that our ships were sailing to two very different ports. So, I wonder if you son is feeling low with his girlfriend going to uni and him being in limbo. I personally believe that it's only worth engaging in a course if you're ally sure that's what you're wanting to do now that uni is so expensive. Doing a trade can earn really good money and is more hands on. My son's careers advisor put me onto the VIA Questionaire which looks at your strengths and what you'd be suited to. Mine showed I had a very high level of curiosity, which didn't surprised me as I'm a writer and researcher, but I'd never appreciated that aspect of it before.  I also went to a talk at the school this week about anxiety and was reminded of a few things, which I thought you and others reading this might might helpful. They talked about writing down three things of what went well during the day every day. This readjusts your focus on what went well rather than problem-solving and focusing on what went wrong. I also thought that for parents particularly with special needs kids or kids that are struggling or annoying, that you might at least find one thing they did well every day which would boost their confidence as well as reassuring you that something is going right or that despite their challenges, they're making progress, feeling happy etc.  I was also reminded by a young person this week about the need for space from parents.  Meanwhile, I have my own struggles with trying to motivate Mr 17. I don't know whether I mentioned to you that he decided to rearrange and declutter his room and emptied virtually the contents of his room into our loungeroom like you see on TV. However, he didn't have an army of elves to help him and I was struggling with asthma at the time and couldn't help. His frustration escalated in a meltdown and a trip to Emergency, which fortunately resolved fairly quickly. However, we packed all the stuff up and it's been in the kitchen family room area now for a few months. That is, aside from when we borrowed a friend's van to stash it for his recent birthday party. We finally decided to start culling it today, and much to our relief he didn't seem to mind. It's hard to establish and maintain our boundaries when he blows up and it's easier to say nothing. It is so challenging having to be a psychology expert with the kids and then feeling like to you need one for yourself but you've run out of energy to look out for yourself. Overall, however, we're going okay and taking things slowly.  I hope you have a good weekend. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Jam, You and I could sit down and share a coffee at he sailing club together. My husband is currently racing in our son's laser, after he pulled out.  I'm Mum to a just turned 17 year old son and 15 year old daughter with 17 year old boyfriend. We have various young people over to our place and I taxi them around a bit and pick up what's going on. For the ones who are ticking all the boxes, it's a wonderful time...school captain, getting your P's the first time, girlfriend/boyfriend, study and work of your choice. However, for many it seems these hurdles are difficult.  Our son has his ups and downs and moments where he shares with us what's going on both in his head and is quite chatty. In hindsight, it looks like he's had a degree of depression for many years, which has sort of become him. He stopped going to school at the end of year 11 last year but couldn't leave until he turned 17. He's now looking so much better...haircut, new clothes, more confident.He sat for his L test last year and failed and hasn't been back. He was actually wanting to get his Ls on his 16th birthday but then covid came along and I'm very susceptible so he stayed away.  Our son is on the NDIS and has OT and psychological support through there but hasn't seen them for awhile, despite having a meltdown which had him taken to emergency.  We have been fortunate that he's become very involved with our Church youth group, which led to him getting into sound and this is now what he wants to do as a career. There's a real comraderie between these boys which I've never seen before but to be fair, I went to an all girls school. He's also been part of scouts for years and is in venturers. Perhaps, the sailing club could offer your son this comraderie and support.  From what you've said, his girlfriend moving away and failing the sailing exam and his accident are key triggers for his setback. I guess the old-fashioned advice, is to get back on the horse and to re-sit the exam if that's what he wants to do.  The situation with the girlfriend is more difficult. Sounds like they're really close, and being apart is really hard on him. Has he considered moving inter-state too? It's a big move but he wouldn't need to move in with her. That said, if he's struggling to find his feet, being at home and having that foundation is much needed.  Lastly, not everyone wants to talk about things, and you might need to start quite small to encourage him out of his funk.  If he and the girlfriend break up, Id be concerned.  Hope that helps. It was quiet when I started replying to your message, and I've ended up with a number of interruptions.  Best wishes, Birdwings. ... View more

That must be very hard.  ... View more

Hi Kat 70, Thanks so much for joining our parent forum. I like to think of us hanging out at a cafe somewhere having coffee together and helping each other out. I have some serious health issues and have to be careful with covid. So, coming here made a lot of sense. My husband and I are still married, but our family has been through a lot of trauma around more acute phases with my health and the repeated and ongoing threat of losing a parent has impacted out kids. Not all the time, but I've found that we need to revisited things about every 18 months to update their understanding of things to their current stage of maturity. Our kids are just about to turn 17 and 15.  Both has anxiety and there's some depression there as well. Our son has tried to take his life in front of me once and has threatened a number of times. Our Last year our 15 year old daughter was caught taking a bottle of vodka to school and also drank a fair amount of it. That came as a huge shock because I had no idea she was drinking. She was suspended for 4 days after that. Found out she'd been having vodka cruisers at parties. That was like a bomb going off, and it was hard to know what to do.  I ended up going back to advice we had when the kids wee really small about spending "special time" with them which last 15 minutes and you focus on what they're doing. With her being older, it was different. However, we've been shopping, had coffee together, and I've had to drive her to some dance competitions and the time in the car is always beneficial. To me, it's about building and maintaining those grass root connections with our kids. Getting them comfortable to a point where they're talking about their friends and what's going on at school and it doesn't al come at once but every bit counts, especially when you're starting out. It's like playing Scrabble and pulling a letter out of the bag, but after awhile the board starts to fill up.  Addressing the sense of abandonment you all feel, that's a tricky one. Many of us have these traumas which seemingly live with us like a backpacker whose taken over your couch and next thing has taken over your house. For me, there are some really traumatic memories of when I was first diagnosed and put into hospital in a wheelchair and didn't know what was happening. You wouldn't know looking at me now, but that trauma flares up and I wonder why. Why have you come back out of your box and why can't you go away. Well, like you I'm dealing with lingering fallout, especially as I haven't been in paid work for a long time and I have mixed feelings about that.  While it might seem like it's impossible to heal from this, and it's much harder when your husband and father has left and abandoned you than dealing with a inanimate illness, I do believe that improvement, recovery and healing are possible and that we have to keep chipping away and not accepting this intruder in our lives. Not letting it become us, or take over who we are. Yet, at the same time, I've also found acknowledging what happened and how you feel are important. That could look something along the lines of "I know you're here but you're not going to get the better of me. Or, the best of me." All you have to do is stay a step ahead. I probably should explain that last bit. I've always seen my health issues as a separate entity. They have never been me, although I often refer to it as my disease, simply because it's very rare. This perspective came from working in HIV/AIDS communication many years ago where the correct lingo was the someone was "living with HIV/AIDS".  I can be a literal at times, and am when I became ill myself I saw my disease as an obsessed stalker who'd moved in. I then wrote a short story about that and there was this bizarre twist at the end...I introduced him to someone else on RSVP.  Anyway, I hope I haven't digressed too much there, but I thought this might help. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Mrs B 115, Welcome to our Each Out Parent Forum. I've been coming here for a few months now,, and am Mum to an about to turn 17 young man and an about to turn 15 year old young woman. However, I'm thinking back also to when I was 13. There's been a suggestion that you're in the UK. Here in Australia, 13 is roughly when kids start high school. Where we live, the kids from a number local school merge together and so friendships from primary school in a way come under threat as all the kids met new people. Indeed, to me now, it seems healthy that social groups expand and people don't just stick with the same kids though all their years at school. However, these readjustments never seem to go smoothly and feelings are hurt, and there often seems to be kids to fall through the cracks at least for a time, and have no friends. It's awful to have no friends and no one to sit with at lunch...even just for a day. My first recommendation is to get in touch with the school. Touch base and share your concern. At my kids school, students can go to the library at lunchtime and they have activities there. I agree with building up groups of friends outside school and scouts and our youth group have worked well for us. Taking up a  sport is also good. Since he's emotional, perhaps taking up an instrument or doing a drama course. I've noticed with my son's friends from youth, playing the guitar is a good one. It's portable and gathers people around them.  I also just wondered if you know his friends parents, and whether you might be able to get together with someone there for a coffee preferably one on one and pick their brains. There might be a real simple explanation and a way of keeping the group together or they might alert you that it's time for your son to move on and let go. I try and keep up with my friends with teenagers, and it's actually much harder than you'd think what with people working. However, I do believe it's really important.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Nivea, Be kind to yourself. That's the beginning.  I think the ideal with anyone experiencing anxiety is to be able to self-soothe. This would include things like slowly your breathing down. You hear people talk about going to your happy place. I went to the dentist recently and found myself reflecting back on floating on a saltwater pool in WA near Monkey Mia which is almost as salty as the Dead Sea. It wasn't a conscious decision but that's where I went and my dentist even commented on how I made a filling in a tricky spot much easier. It's taken awhile to get to that point. People have always suggested I do meditation and I couldn't sit still for very long. However, I'm very interested in photography and that involves focusing on a point which is a meditation technique. So, there are different ways to skin a cat.  Breaking a task down into small steps is something I do with myself and the kids. Success breeds success. Breaking things down helps to prevent becoming overwhelmed.  Perfectionism is a huge issue in our household. My daughter is training towards becoming a ballerina and our son wants to be a sound engineer which also requires absolute perfection. Avoidance seems to be a very close friend of perfectionism.  My son did an anxiety course in primary school, and they worked on their breathing and breathing from the diaphragm and watching their stomach rise up and down instead of rapid shallow breathing which leads to hyperventilation and light-headedness.  Information can also reduce anxiety.   I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

Hi Grandfather, Your grandson is lucky to have you, and I know from myself and my own kids how important grandparents are. Parents are usually at least somewhat busy trying to put food on the table, and grandparents play an often critical role in giving kids the emotional support and time they really need. I thought maybe you could do a few activities with him, if you aren't doing so already. Go for a bush walk, fishing, kick the ball around. Going for a drive and giving him the chance to open up.  Some people like to talk about what's bothering them, but others don't and just sitting beside someone and knowing they care is what they prefer.  You didn't say which year your grandson is in at school. My daughter's just about to turn 15 and has just got through Year 9. It turned out to be a tough year and it's a notoriously difficult year.  Another thing that might interest him, is getting a part-time job to start getting a bit of money together himself.  The only other thing I could suggest is joining a youth group. It's worked wonders for our son and he's grown so much and is now doing sound and becoming a leader. Indeed, he's doing things I never thought possible. Look at his interests and see where that could lead him. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi NIvea, We deal with anxiety issues in our family as well as stomach aches, nausea and I also had trouble with this myself especially when I was about 11.  The first thing that struck me reading your post, was your own anxiety about your son missing school at the start of high school and how he was going to manage with the start of high school. This is understandable, especially if your son has anxiety and if he's perhaps starting at a new school where he doesn't know many people. However, it's important to address your own anxiety, and try to in effect turn it around so you can feel more positive and encouraging in yourself before you are truly able to encourage your son.  In your message, you also said he was fine and  "He has good friends, plays sport once a week and is a kind and courteous boy." That sounds really good. So, perhaps this is just a short term blip and everything's going to be okay. He might also have a bug.  I'd also suggest having a chat to his form room teacher. It's always good to have a good connection with the school, and you never know when you're going to need it. My kids are now in Year 12 and year 10. Our son in Year 12 has anxiety issues and misses a reasonable amount of school, which I'm not happy about. We got to know the teachers at the school as issues cropped up periodically with him. Our daughter seemed to be coasting along and we hadn't been up the school at all for her aside from parent-teacher nights. However, that changed at the end of last year and I was hugely grateful they already knew us and it enabled them to be firm with her but they also gave her a bit of grace.  Our family has been through a lot and I recall my husband telling me that I was conveying a lot of worry in my face to our son and I needed to pull back.  I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Putu 1957, I'm sorry to hear about your grandson's difficulties. Before I responded further, I wanted to clarify how old he is. That makes quite a difference to me in terms of a response. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi 1 Tired Mom, I am also parenting a 14 year old daughter, as well as  a 16 year old son. 2020 wasn't the greatest year with our 14 year old. She withdrew for a few months, so there wasn't a lot of confrontation or arguments. More distance. We're having real trouble getting either of our kids to do just about anything, and they're both quick to order us around and expect us to jump. Our son has threatened to self-harm or take his life when he doesn't get his way, which naturally makes me very concerned and I'm always walking on egg shells. Yet, at the same time, I know I'm being manipulated and that he's not playing fair. We had a recent crisis which ended up at the ED and we're still in the midst of following up with professionals. Like your son, he's also into gaming and it seems to produce or encourage inertia.  We find it particularly difficult to get the kids to do their chores and my husband gets angry, I feel hurt and the kids don't change, just seem oblivious. They don't seem to care about us at times. I wouldn't way it's constant, but it would be nice for them to think about whether we might need a kind word, some encouragement or shock horror...a birthday present or Christmas gift.  So, to answer your question about whether other parents are feeling negative about their teens, the answer is yes, although they each have some very strong redeeming features which raise me up and encourage me.  Hang in there and care care. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Dear Parent of Twha Welcome to our Reach Out Parent Forum. I've been coming here regularly for a few months now, after losing much connection with my local friends and parents of teens due to covid. I have a medical condition and need to be very careful, so this forum has been very helpful. We have a 16 year old son who has just gone into Year 12 and a 14 year old daughter about to go into Year 10.  My family experiences strong tendencies towards anxiety and my Great Grandfather had severe OCD and a phobia of germs and was into compulsive handwashing. The family hushed that up and it was only once my mother's cousin was diagnosed with OCD at a clinical level that I started to wake up and see the signs of something which is spread throughout the family to varying degrees. It seems that these people don't have a cut off switch and get into all sorts of extremes. Both my brother and second cousin got into exercise doing hundreds and maybe even a thousand reps. There's a lot of food fussiness and the perfectionism can be a curse. I only came to recognise this horrible perfectionism in myself a few years ago, because it didn't come across to me as perfectionism, but failure. Not being good enough. I only came to appreciate this after seeing my daughter in action. Not only did she have this striving for perfection in herself, she also expected it from me and in areas that weren't my strengths.  When she was in year 5, she got into the opportunity class and they seemed to have an overall level of OCD and it was very interesting as a class trying to decorate their Christmas tree together. They were all so particularly it was like adjusting a slightly crooked painting on the wall.  Witht he selective school tests coming up, he OCD flared up and she was counting to threes and taking forever to get ready. She arranged her books in rainbow order and her handwriting is small and meticulous, and yet her bedroom looks like a bomb has gone off in it. That might be the flip side of the OCD.  I took her to a psychologist but it didn't go well. She curled up in a ball and went silent. It was painful. I have tried to help her since then, and she's mostly been much better, although she's studying to be a ballerina which is fraught with perfectionism.  I personally feel that it would be a mistake for your son to pull out of areas in his life that are going well, as it would only increase his feelings of failure. Success builds on success and failure does the same. Rather, I would try to find areas of relaxation to juxtapose the stress. I've never been good at sitting still and meditating but I love photography and that also involves focusing on a point, which calms your system down. Photography also getting me walking, and exploring which is also relaxing but not in a clinical kind of way.  I also do a lot of very detailed research, which I love, but it's also important to see the bigger picture both in terms of looking out to sea and seeing the horizon and expanding your physical outlook, but also to see the overall picture. Otherwise, you can get stuck with tunnel vision.  I also encourage you to work on what is going well and nurture those areas.  Your son would also be one who would benefit from knowing there are a number of different pathways into university and the course of their choice. Other kids, need the pressure and the the hard word to get them moving. It's not a case of one size fits all.  I hope that's helpful.  Best wishes, Birdwings     ... View more

Hi Josie, Well done for reaching out to various support organizations and for coming here. I can relate to your frustration and your search for suggestions, answers, support etc. Older children are difficult to deal with, and my views are that they're not supposed to live at home forever. At the same time, I was talking with an old school friend yesterday whose kids are a few years older than mine and usually a stage ahead. She's now an empty nester and her girls don't keep in close touch and one is now married. In other words, they're forging their own lives. Yet, she misses them terribly and doing things with and for them. Bing their mum in an active sense. So, while I also get frustrated with my almost 17 year old not doing anything around the house and keeping his bedroom as a pigsty, he might not be here for much longer. HOwever, I also have my self respect and it's a real put down expecting me to be his servant and I'm sure if you asked these kids if they believed in slavery they'd protest, but they're quite happy to treat their parents as slaves and I'm not sure how much say we have about it either, especially if we don't want our kids out on the street. Yet, your son is working and earning some income so could support himself.  On the other hand, you also mention that your son had a relationship breakdown and it sounds like he's shut down. My first recommendation for trying to connect might be around food and cooking something he really likes. I bake and I've seen friends go gaga when I bake and it seems to help. Otherwise, I'd start with really, really small almost invisible steps forward. He's probably not going to say much but perhaps he has a mate he could go fishing with or something. I am finding with our daughter that they might tell one person what's going on, but that's it. Trips in the car work best for connecting with our teens. If you look at the communication advice on Reach Out, that ironically it's easier to get people talking when there isn't direct eye contact. This might not make sense at first, but perhaps the direct eye contact can seem like being interrogated.  I hope this helps and that you make some steps forward. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi demelza, Thank you for dropping into us here at Reach Out. I'm not sure whether you intended to join our parents' forum or a more general discussion about life, but it doesn't matter. I'm open to discussing almost anything, and you've raised an issue that affects most people, except myself who has been living the life of a hermit most of this year due to covid isolation.  Just to put you in the picture of my situation, I'm married with two teenagers and three dogs.  I've also has my own concerns about humanity, and as a dog lover, I often wonder why dogs are excluded from places when they usually treat people really well and are so loving and affectionate, and humans can be so nasty. That said, my dogs aren't so good with other dogs. So, they're not perfect either.  There is good and bad in people and some environments or workplaces tend to promote and encouraging bullying and nastiness and bring out the worst in people, while others do the reverse. Since Covid started, there's been a Facebook group called the Kindness Pandemic. I subscribed ages ago and have only posted myself a couple of times but I usually respond to others' posts and am quite engaged with this group. It's been so encouraging, especially during 2020. So many people are going out of their way to care for people and make sure people who are doing it tough, are getting a helping hand. It's so reaffirming. I belonged to a similar group on my blog after the terrorist attacks  in Paris a few years ago. That was called 1000 Voices for Compassion and bloggers from around the world would connect once a month and write about some aspect of compassion. It felt like we were fighting back against terrorism together in our own small way.  Yet, at the same time, nastiness is still going on. My daughter came home from school today and said she doesn't felt safe and the girl who was her best friend last week, hates her this week. We've experienced the frenemy before and they seem to be the worst and I can't advise my kids to hold back and not get close to their friends in case things go pear shaped and once you've shared, you can't unshare. I notice when talking with my daughter that it's quite common that they'll tell one person a secret and one person only. So, if that friendship turns sour, that secret is potentially out of the bag if that friend has no integrity and that source of emotional and psychological support and encouragement up in smoke. I guess this does provide a good argument for teens to seek professional support.  I'm not sure if any of this answers your question or encourages you in any way. It's definitely a subject that warrants further discussion. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi aCluelessDad, Welcome to our parenting forum. I have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter but I was reading a Facebook post from a younger friend talking about juggling her 2 year old and baby and just trying to get enough sleep, and I remember those days well. I am a writer/marketing manager so am probably a similar personality type to your wife. I know myself that I get immersed in my writing and research and what I'm doing and can find it hard to balance more than one thing art a time. It is hard to wear all the different hats you have as a parent and it can be frustrating and difficult if you like to focus more deeply and not have your attention scattered everywhere.  Before I touch on possible book recommendations, I'd suggest ways of connecting with your wife like the three of you going for a walk. Do you each have a time each week where you can do something for yourself by yourself? She might like to go for a walk or run by herself or for a coffee with a friend without your son in tow. I don't know if you have someone who could mind your son, even for long enough for you to go out for coffee for an hour so you can chat. However, snatching some together time would help you to reconnect.  A book I really love is Khalil Gibran: "The Prophet" and he addresses universal themes of life such as marriage, the family, love. Here's a quote:  "Love one another, but do not make a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls".  I would encourage you to ask her how she is going , and if she starts talking about your son, gently guide her back to herself.  Lastly, after having kids, I  think for me in hindsight, there's a need to forge a new identity, that takes forward some of the things from before kids but also acknowledges how much has changed. There is no going back.  Another suggestion I would make, is that you give her a blank notebook and a pen for her to write. However, that might lead to her spending that time alone than with you but it would acknowledge the writer within. I have loads of blank journals and keep buying them.  I hope that helps and a bit of romance never goes astray either. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hello @sadmom1, I'm also sorry to hear about the tough and challenging times you've been having, particularly the impact it's had on your son. While it's easy to say that women should leave abusive relationships, once you have a few kids, it's not that easy to make the move. I don't know much about the actual situation out there, but I do hear about mums and kids leaving and sleeping in the car, and that's not an encouraging situation and not everyone has family or friends they just move in with until they're back on their feet either. However, you did muster your courage and you did take that extraordinarily brave step and have stuck to it. That takes a lot of strength, and maybe you could've gone sooner, but maybe there was something in your gut telling you the timing wasn't quite right as well.  I remember when I was a kid I was so idealistic. I was much more black and white back then and not very forgiving, particularly when it came to my mum. She'd be late and I'd feel let down and I didn't really feel she understood me. My brother got into a bit of trouble in high school and he dominated my mother attention and I felt invisible. That I didn't matter. It hurt and we didn't get on for a long time.  I used to see a psychologist and we'd do an exercise where mum would be the empty chair and I'd tell her how I was feeling. It's quite a good idea because I know myself I struggled to find the words and get them out. I write and I wrote volumes but that never helped to build a bridge with the other person. It vented and helped me sort my feelings out, which was also important.  I always find it helpful to acknowledge someone else's feelings and experiences. After all, to argue or deny it just adds fuel to the fire. I try to apologize to our kids. Sorry goes a long way.  There are some great communication resources on the Reach Out website and one of the tips I picked up on is sitting beside someone and not giving them direct eye contact when you're having a difficult conversation or trying to reconnect. Talking in the car is a strategy many of my friends use when they're trying to connect with their teens.  Quite aside from your relationship with your son, from what you say he's experienced serious trauma and having someone he could chat to would help him work through it. However, this can be easier said than done. Another avenue, would be through sport and exercise and physical release.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi  @JeremySF , Welcome to our parenting forum. I've been coming here for a few months now after feeling cut off from my local friends and parenting connections due to covid isolation especially around school. I'm married with a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter.  There were a couple of points I wanted to respond to in your message. Firstly, you mentioned that your daughter is an introvert and enjoys her own company and doesn't feel the need for friends. However, you would like her to develop some friendships and can see the benefits. This is something we've experienced in our immediate and extended families. I'm an extroverted extrovert and my husband is on the more ongoing side of introvert and is chatty, Has friends etc. However, his niece is an introverted introvert and her idea of the perfect 21st was to go away to a hotel by herself and read books. Our daughter is shy an introverted by nature and definitely recharges through time on her own, although she's very different with her friends and is very chatty, loud and comes across as a social butterfly.  We get on well most of the time, but there are times where I seek interaction and affection, a smile from her, but she's spent and needs to withdraw into her cave and it's really hurt. Fortunately, I also get this dynamic and my rational brain kicks in.  So in terms of trying to encourage her out of her shell and to interact more, I'd suggest really small steps. One suggestion would be getting involved with Scouts or Guides. Both our kids have been involved with Scouts and our son is now in Venturers and its been amazing and they met via zoom during covid lock down and they were amazing. They have so many different activities and go on camps etc which build confidence and social interaction and they also get the kids outdoors. Another option could be a book club for teens.  In terms of your daughter's increased affection and parallel attempts to runaway and have panic attacks, I wonder whether her mother's absence is a factor. Is this something you've readdressed with her as she's matured? Updated the explanation you gave her as a young child to something more suited to a teen? I have an acute health condition which has thankfully settle down a lot this year and is probably benefitting from social distancing and all the hand sanitising. We have found it necessary to update our conversation with the kids as they've gone through developmental stages. Your daughter is also facing puberty and it could well be a time where she might turn to her mother for advice and support, although my daughter didn't turn to me and I ever spoke to my mum either and now teens also have the Internet for better or worse. Meanwhile, you sounds like a wonderful Dad who is very emotionally connected to his daughter and you clearly love her dearly and try to understand her and the complexities our kids seem to have being their own people as well as being part of us. Maybe, she just needs some reassurance. That there are times when she really feels a sense of being rejected and unloved by her mother and it hurts, but it also sounds like she's pretty level headed and accepts the situation.  Lastly, you haven't mentioned whether she has wanted to connect with her mother or wants to keep that door shut. I know someone in their late 40s whose mother left as a child and she wants nothing to do with her. She left and was brought up by her Dad. That door is well and truly closed. However, she was very young when her mum left and maybe she just needs to know a bit more about her to fill in a few gaps and get to know herself better. That said, that's me the extrovert talking and I'm also a researcher and I don't leave a stone unturned. Your psychologist would be able to guide you about this. I just know from our own experience where Mummy dying is the elephant in the room we try not to acknowledge (indeed we make conscious efforts to shove it in the closet and close the door), that talking through things is ultimately beneficial and they're able to ask new questions to satisfy their new developmental stage.  I hope this helps, and perhaps someone else will respond who has a similar situation and can offer more informed advice, Meanwhile, be proud of yourself and all the best, Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Thanks very much for checking in with me, Janine. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out at the time, and my husband and I were both pretty hurt. However, by late Sunday afternoon, my sensible self had resurrected itself and I was able to reach out and build bridges. I thought it was important to show our son we were concerned about him and looking out for him. He took off once from youth group but was hiding in the park across the road watching who was out looking for him. Who cared. He was with the youth group and leaders and I got in touch with one of them and asked him to pass on it was fine for him to come home and he passed on he was okay.  However, I have to admit that we're in a very  good situation with our son because he goes to youth group at our church and our friends overlap. We have those layers of mutual community connection around us. Our daughter isn't involved with the youth group atm and I don't know her new close friend or her parents, and this has been exacerbated by covid and isolation and events not being held at the school. However, we've lived in the area for 20 years and she's been friends with some of her friends since she was born through playgroup. I am currently working to build more connections with our kids' friends' parents and just parents of teens in general. We need to stick together and inform each other of what's going on in our local areas. We live near the beach and I'm concerned about the tourist season and my daughter and other local teens being out and about. I should mention that my daughter was hit by a girl she didn't know when she was at the local park. She was with a group of friends, but this has brought my concerns to a head.  Thank you for mentioning that quote. I was thinking of that quote but couldn't remember it well enough. It describes exactly how I feel as a parent.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to get our house ready for Christmas. Yikes! Anyone else having trouble there? Best wishes, Birdwings.   ... View more

Hi @upsetmum,, Sorry to hear about your situation with your daughter, and it's great you've come here to connect and get a few suggestions and support. We have a 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter and I'll be honest with you and say we have issues at our end too and things got pretty turbulent on Saturday night and both of our kids stayed overnight with friends. However, he heat played into that too. It was so hot no one was thinking clearly. My number one is to keep communication going and I thought I had to be the adult and apologise for letting things blow out of proportion while also mentioning him not doing his chores. Our daughter's been testing her boundaries and has dabbled in drinking but I'm hoping that's all it is. I don't drink very often and my husband occasionally  and since I found out about my daughter drinking, I've really drawn a line in the sand.  We've been quite challenged about how to respond to our teens' undesirable behaviours. I've felt pressured to "put my foot down" and give them ultimatums, and yet no one responds well to ultimatums. Somehow, you what that sensible part of their brain to suddenly wake up  and do the right thing. Get themselves back on track. However, that can turn into a lot of wishful thinking.  While I'm personally like you when it comes to using drugs and alcohol, but at the same time I have worked in the health system and consumption of drugs and alcohol can be viewed within the framework of "self-medicating", which makes sense when you say your daughter experiences anxiety and depression. That's not to soften what she's doing or to provide an excuse, but it suggests that if she works on the underlying issues or could use some relaxation techniques that she might not need the alcohol and drugs...a big step probably requiring professional help. This isn't something I've experienced, but I've had a few friends who have been through rehab but not when I've known them.  It would be great if you could get in touch with one of her friends or the parents where she is staying and just get a message through that you hope she's okay and if you're fine for her to come home.  Meanwhile, I wanted address getting yourself through this. Do you have a few close friends you can share with? Going for a walk helps me to clear my head. I think it's also good to acknowledge your emotions. Perhaps, write them down on paper. I know when things blow up with our kids, my emotions are so super-charged. I'm one to feel hurt more than anger, but it's very raw. It's a pain like nothing else. I was trying to explain it on the weekend and our kids are more precious than ourselves and I hurt even more when bad things happen to them, than when I hurt myself. There are so many intense emotions you can't put into words and when relationships strain or even break, there's nothing like it. So, I'm thinking of you. My last thought is getting in touch with your local area Health's Youth Health service or an agency when works with youth at risk of being homeless.  I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings   ... View more

Hello @Mamma3 , Not sure if this is your first time to the parents' forum, but I wanted to welcome you along and before I address what's going on with your son, I wanted to reassure you that you are doing a great job, your son sounds connected to you and you've had 14 years of relationship and experience there, even if you currently feel out of your depth. While professional help has it's role, the love and support of family and friends is beyond measure. The other thing is that it seems many parents of teens are having trouble getting their kids to see a professional psychologist, and my way around that is to skill myself up or o to appointments myself.  I also wanted to check whether your son was on the NDIS and having any occupational therapy because that is our mainstay.  Just to let you know about us...We have a 16 year old son just starting Year 12 who is somewhat on the spectrum and a 14 year old daughter. Our daughter is in Year 9 and it's never been a good year but I'm sure covid isn't helping. So many activities have been cancelled and i know my daughter and peers are looking for excitement and are risk taking etc each in different ways.  However, it's a few chats we had with our son which I think are most relevant to you. After NSW was coming out of lockdown and he was faced with going back to school, his anxiety levels were through the roof and he couldn't calm his mind and get to sleep. He sat with us and just talked it out for quite awhile and he even brought up issues around our dog dying 3 years ago. In a sense it was cathartic that all these issues came out, but I also feel that the stress of covid was like a germ activating a wound. I also got wind of issues among his friends at one point where a girl "cheated" on one of his mates and she was ostracised and his mates wouldn't go anywhere near her. There's that real pack mentality. I was concerned and raised it with the school in a separate conversation, as I was concerned for her welfare.  I just read your message again and picked up on the distant thing, and our 14 year old daughter was like that for a few months too and does tend to live in her room on her phone connecting with friends and we're not of great interest. My connection with our daughter has improved a lot recently. I had to drive her to a few things and we talk in the car. She loves spending money and we did a bit of shopping and I took her out for churros and bought her a new dress. It did feel a bit like I was trying to buy a friend but I didn't really care too much at the time. She was talking to me and it was like being in the Spring sunshine again. I think with these kids it's about snatching a few minutes with them here and there and building on that.  I also think working on your son's self-esteem would be a good idea too. You haven't mentioned whether he has something he's good at and enjoys but it's important to have that foundational self-esteem and even getting to that point can be very difficult for many teenagers.  I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus in my mid-20s which resulted from a difficult birth and wasn't terribly symptomatic at school but enough to be teased, not good at sport and feel different and awkward. That was hard at times but I ended up finding a great group of friends out of school and belonging there. That reminds me of the importance of having multiple groups of friends and community connections so that if one group blows up as it will, they have somewhere else to turn and it's not the end of the world. I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings     ... View more

Hi Gebadia, I wanted to encourage you first up and "pat you on the back" for coming here and seeking some ideas and support. I have a 14 year old daughter who is in Year 9 and a 16 year old son in Year 11 which has just become Year 12. Due to covid, I haven't been in touch with my friends as much to find out what's going on overall this year and I don't know whether teens are more unsettled due to covid this year, but it seems that way to me. I know quite a few people who have difficulties getting their kids to school and our son has more troubles down this path than our daughter. My first port of call after reading the Reach Out resources, would be to speak to the school. Different schools have different roles who are your first point of contact for example the Year Deputy or Head Teacher. They usually send a letter home. Or might've called you??  It sounds like your chances of getting your son outside the home for help are minimal. So, I guess my first question is whether he stays in bed all day and doesn't seem to enjoy anything? Or, is it just school he's avoiding? Does he show signs of serious depression? Another problem many families are facing, is excessive gaming. Does he just want to stay home and game? Does he feel uncomfortable at school and can something be done to ease this? Encouraging him to take really, really small steps initially and think about the things he enjoys doing and working from there to try to I guess effect a change in the weather.  Even if you only get him to change course by a few degrees, as he keeps walking, the degree of change keeps increasing. Also, these small changes add up and then it seems they can build up on themselves and things really improve.  I have a couple of severe chronic health/disability conditions and I've had to start over quite a few times not knowing what the future had in store and that included being unable to walk and dress myself and being in a wheelchair. There was some pretty deep despair there but each time I made progress, I was encouraged. My kids were very young at the time and they provided me with the incentive to push on and tackle those vertical cliff faces. Having a reason to live, to get up in the morning, is very important for everyone but can be difficult to find when you need it most.  It is hard too watching someone going through this and feeling overwhelmed, powerless and worried out of your mind. Somehow, you need to be clever and not too obvious. You don't want him to feel that you think something is wrong with him or that he's "a case". My temptation would be to go over the top. Buy them something special etc. However, my thinking is you need to be reassuring and encouraging but go and seek advice like you've done here and skill yourself up and see how that goes.  Also, I wanted to ask whether his school refusal has been worse after being in lock down?Our school principal has mentioned that some students prefer being at home. Many adults are preferring to work from home instead of going into the office everyday. However, there's a big difference between working or studying at home versus avoidance.  Meanwhile, try to find some time to relax and recharge for yourself.  Best wishes, Birdwings  ... View more

Hi Yoonmama, Welcome to our forum. It is lovely to have you here and welcome another parent along. I have found this group quite reassuring as it's been difficult to connect with other parents face-to-face this year due to Covid. I have two teens...a 16 year old so and a 14 year old daughter. So, my kids are a similar age, although we do not have share the immigration experience.  Before I elaborated any further, I wanted to check whether your younger child has always avoided eye contact, or whether is was something more recent? Also, how do you think your daughter is adjusting to being in a new country? It is not as straight forward for some people as others, and perhaps this is something she's also working through.  School is a very complex and challenging place I reckon for most kids. It's like us adults going to the office everyday but they have so many more people they have to deal with, and so many unwritten rules and regulations just to feel accepted and have a few friends. Our daughter talks about needing to have an Apple phone or you're an outcast and she's not at a private school. I was pretty shocked about that because they're pretty expensive. It seems to be hard for many kids to feel confident through the teenage years, but it would be compounded when you've moved from another country and trying to settle in especially if you live in an area where everyone grew up together like where we live.  I think it's fantastic that she's talking to her sister and getting advice from her, because teens are less likely to talk to their parents and a sister would be my preference as a parent compared to friends who may not share your family's values.  At the same time, building up some connection between you and your younger daughter would be great. I saw a communications video on Reach Out which showed about how going for drives in the car together can be a good time to connect because the absence of direct eye contact is less confronting.  While it is really important to appear strong to your children, it is also good to share a few incidents about when you made mistakes or concerns you had as a teen. Perhaps you could use a bit of humour or show some photos say of a bad haircut or something. This would make you seem approachable and understanding and gets around her thinking perhaps that you have no idea what she's going through. By this, I'm not suggesting that you become her best friend, and that you retain your role as parent but you're just looking for ways to connect. I find this is an ongoing process with our 14 year old daughter as she likes to retreat to her room, and then as I was baking a massive cake for a function last night, she was wanting to cook herself and my husband dinner at the same time and was quite chatty. It was very distracting but I bit my tongue. I had been wanting her to talk to me and be close and this was what I'd wished for.  Another suggestion might be having family dinners at the table and everyone sharing something that went well during the day and something that didn't go well. Our family dinners have dropped off a lot with us going different ways with activities at night or after school. However, I am a firm believer in the family dinner to help people connect. Cooking together is another thing. Our son makes the sauces for my dishes and it has become his thing and he's proud of it.  I hope that helps. Best wishes, Rowena ... View more

Dear Moonshine, Sorry to hear about your situation and thankful for coming here and being so honest.  As an outsider without emotional connections, I'm tempted to recommend you exit stage left and really consider whether this relationship is really the one for you. Your relationship with his father might be great but is it enough to take on the son as they're a package deal? I'm just playing devil's advocate there, and I'm still married to the father of my children.  However, turning to the behaviour of the son, it sounds like some rules need to be set in place and some consequences. We have our ups and downs with this at our place and I hear many parents are also having trouble. However, it's quite realistic for him to say empty the dishwasher, or do the dishes while he's at your place and make his bed. We had star charts when our kids were younger and then they can get a reward. No consequences, puts him in charge and he rules the roost.  I am also concerned that he is struggling. You speak of his immaturity, dependency and the clincher for me is biting his nails. He seems anxious and unsure of himself. I'd imagine it would be hard going in between different houses and having to adjust to different people, especially step-parents. From his age, Id imagine he's in Year 6 going into Year 7 and on the cusp of a lot of changes in himself and social scene. He might be concerned about his place in your trio and there's that old adage...two's company, three's a crowd. Maybe finding something that the two of you enjoy could be a way forward.  The more I've thought through your situation, I'm more sympathetic with your step-son to be and optimistic that if you put some boundaries and consequences in place and work on building a connection, that things will improve. You will probably need to consult a psychologist who specialises in behavioural therapy to set the wheels in motion.   Meanwhile, I need to get our kids to do their chores.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @ChloeBeau, I wanted to say hello and offer you support even though my husband and I are still married. However, we do have a 16 year old son and he can be truly delightful with a caring heart and beautiful smile, but he can also be very demanding and expect us to be at his beck and call.  Our son recently had a week of work experience and needed to be driven half an hour each way and I did the afternoon shift. I had to make a difficult turn into heavy traffic and get across into the right hand lane. Well, he became very controlling telling me how to drive and doing everything but taking hold of the steering wheel. There were days we were silent all the way home and I'd be fuming. Before I had our kids, I worked in marketing management and have always been independent-minded and the idea that my son who lord it over me like that and be a male chauvinist pig or whatever else you call it, shocked me. It was unacceptable and most of the time he later apologises but he clearly needs to pull his head in.  Part of my thinking is that he's getting close to being 18 and becoming an adult and I guess it's not surprising that he wants to rule the roost and be in charge. However, they still need to know their place in the pecking order. They are not the boss!  I'd be interested to hear from Reach Out staff on this.  Good luck and you at least have me on your side. Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Amber P, I'm glad you mentioned how influences outside the family home, particularly at school also affect our kids and can be behind what our teens are getting up to. That thought crossed my mind later. It can be easy to forget how intense, challenging and stressful things at school can be and our kids are also interacting with their friends and going through their situations as well. There's a lot of people interaction and school work and capacity for things to go well and equally pear-shaped.  When it comes to your own son, my feeling would be not to ignore what's going on but not to get all heavy about it. Maybe go on a few drives with your son and just have some good chats and maybe mention how you feel in a non-confrontational way. I think at 12 you're starting to build towards getting through the teenage years and ways of keeping communication open and connecting. Finding some activities you both enjoy such as board games, family computer games, bushwalks, movies just some way to stay connected and talking. Some how you need to know if your teen is getting into difficulties and keeping that communication open is good groundwork for that. There are times where it is quite difficult to reason with your teen bt if you have this good grounding, it makes the more difficult times much easier.  Running away has always seemed like a good option and a bit of a utopian thing for young people. The grass seems so much greener and maybe  utopian. We live near the beach and one of my daughter's friends is homeless and sometimes sleeps in a tent at the beach. It seems like bliss to our daughter and that has made it hard for me to take a hard line with her. However, I think she has enough sense to stay put and has turned a corner recently. At least, I hope she has.  ... View more

Hi Teensthesedays, Sorry to hear about what's going on with your daughter and you're clearly doing all you can to try to connect with her and bring her home. I have a 14 year old daughter who is doing well in some ways but pushing the envelope in others. She switched off from us for a few months and barely talked to us, although she was still living at home. I was distressed watching this and not knowing quite how to connect with her. Lock down went pretty well with all of us in the house which surprised me. However, afterwards she wanted to see her friends all the time and was barely home and she'd stay at friends houses. I could see we weren't in a good space. However, she needed lifts to a few things and that started to draw us closer. Those little bits have built up and she's sharing a lot more with me. She is also sharing what is going on with some of the other teens which can be alarming.   There are people who will tell you to put your foot down. That seemingly worked for my grandparents, but it doesn't work with my kids, especially when tempers are flared. I don't think anyone responds well to ultimatums. Yet, at the same time, when you're a parent, it is your home. You also have to live there and as a parent, I am feeling much more empathy with this old line: "It's my house and while you're living under my roof, you'll live by my rules". However, I think that would send many teens out the window.  One question that's worth asking is how long she can live where she's living now? It's all very well to leave home and the responsibilities which come with it, but she needs to eat and support herself.  Is she still going to school?  I really do feel for you and hope things improve, but I encourage your efforts to connect and not to give up.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi @Mattnjos ,  I'm a parent of a son aged 16 and a daughter 14, and I've been visiting the parent for the last 3 months after missing interaction with other parents due to Covid restrictions. One of the reasons I reply to messages here, is to reassure people that they're not alone, and not the only one in their situation and that while we might be going through different situations with our kids, commonalities exist.  Before I had kids, I worked for a year in the HIV Sexual Health Unit at our local area health service as Communications Officer and in this role, I was responsible for writing the newsletter. In this role, I interviewed a young person about their gender perceptions and it was enlightening. They really took me into their heart, mind everything and spoke very personally with me. I was just the conduit really for them telling their story, but as with as story, that look listening, respect and making myself invisible. I had friends come out when I was at uni and friend who were unsure of themselves and more recently my husband's cousin shared about he was now living as a woman which was a total surprise at over 60.  However, I think there's a huge difference between things going on with people around you and your child. I am speaking for myself here but your children are your flesh and blood and most of us would give everything we had, including our own lives to save them, help them out etc. WE feel their ups and downs and everything inbetween so acutely. We want our child to have the easy road. We want them to have good friendships, do well at school, be sporty, even if we don't push them and have super high expectations. I remember when I was younger and upset about something I'd get really frustrated with my mother because she'd go to pieces over something that happened to me and I didn't understand. It wasn't her life. I get that now!!  We have had some different issues to grapple with in our house. Our son is adamant about not doing his HSC. He doesn't need it to get into the course he wants to do and just needs to complete year 12. My family is very academic and we have some high achievers. So, his decision has almost been like jumping off a cliff to me and there's very definite grief, even though he's chosen a very good path for himself and is applying himself well and getting work experience. He knows where we stand but we have made it clear to him that we support his career direction and course choices. We'd rather he did his HSC and also have that up his sleeve.  You have quite a lot to get your heads around, even just in knowing the "right" lingo and that's not something I've kept up with. Following up some of the contacts listen with help and listen to your child and how they speak and refer to themselves. It will take time but maybe be honest and say you'd like to understand but can they walk you through it. There's nothing wrong with asking them for help and to help guide you on the journey.  Some of the communication tools on the ReachOut site could be useful to look at too. Look at ways of improving your general communication skills and see if you can go for a few drives together as the car seems to be a good, non-confronting place to talk about difficult issues as long as you don't get too upset or emotional. I'm also a bit of a fan of that "Are u ok?" approach. It's had really good publicity and so I hear people using it quite regularly. This brings me to the difficulties that young people in the LGBTQI community can really struggle psychologically and if your teen is showing signs of difficulties, you need to take those seriously and seek help. So, I guess this brings me to whether your teen is having any form of counselling support and do you have the contact details for that person if things escalate? It seems to me that their friendship group is offering each other good support as they navigate through these waters. They sound like they're on a similar wavelength and your child will ultimately work out where they sit in relationship to their peers.  Lastly, in addition to following up the contact mentioned for yourself, I would recommend keeping a journal and perhaps you have a safe friend you could confide in, especially if you and your husband have different views. I encourage you to come back here for as long as you need to if it helps. I really like the anonymity here. Also try to do those things that you find important for your own self-care. This is something I need to work on myself. My self-care really goes out the window when I'm stressed and I tend to zoom in and focus on the problem. It's important to take regular breathers, and actually make sure you're still breathing and not holding everything in.  I hope that helps.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more

Hi Curiousmom1, I was interested to read your post as I've been in the situation recently where my daughter has shared information with me and I passed it on. She had someone confide that he'd had tourettes when he'd been drinking. Only the day before, a friend mentioned that her husband and daughter are both at risk of seizures when they drink. So, I was concerned this young man was having seizures and could end up in serious trouble.  I don't know whether you remember the story of teenager Anna Wood who had a bad reaction to an exstasy tablet years ago and her friends were too scared to call an ambulance and by the time she got to hospital it was too late and she died. Her family really got the word out and I know our high school is telling teens to call an ambulance if there's trouble.  I agree with Linda that there are some secrets that can't really be kept secret, but there are possibly discreet ways that the information can be shared and the mum of your daughter's friend can be discreet about how she found out.  Our daughter has recently been engaging in increased risky behaviour and in many ways, at least to me, it came out of nowhere and took us by surprise. She seems to be bored at school and looking at ways to "spice things up". The other day this included taking Vodka to school. I didn't realize for a few days how much Vodka she'd actually drunk at school. She was dobbed on and got suspended. I'm very grateful she was caught because she might've taken more risks and really landed in trouble. Well, more trouble.  I hope this helps. Best wishes, Birdwings PS Reach out has a fact sheet on risk taking which someone from the office could connect you with and provide the link.  ... View more

Hi Union Dad, My kids are now teenagers, but I still remember how hard it was for us when our kids were young and there was almost a resentment between us in a way because he was working out of the home and commuting flat out and I was at home with the kids flat out and the demands on each of us were intense and exhausting, especially before the kids went to school. I used to envy my husband going to work and being able to just walk out the front door each day without having to negotiate with the kids and organize everything. I missed my job too and work colleagues and we'd moved here when we bought our house and I wasn't that settled. It sounds like each of you is finding it too much and perhaps you need to have a bit of a chat about how you're going and be honest with each other but in a nice way. Our kids always went to daycare one day a week to give me a chance to catch up and have some alone time. I don't know if you have family nearby who could give you and your wife a breather?  You didn't mention whether there's a reason why your wife doesn't drive. So, encouraging her to learn to drive and become more independent would be a good thing. I've always been a very nervous driver myself but I've stuck with it and my confidence has improved.  I also wonder whether your wife has developed close friendships and is she getting out of the house? Then, she might have a friend who could take her and the kids to the doctor instead. hat said, it's hard transporting little ones around with car seats etc. and a lot of mums return to work and are flat out.  What I have noticed is that this period your in now puts a lot of strain on relationships so please hang in there and try to get through this time with young kids because it gets a lot better.  Best wishes, Birdwings ... View more