Vaping, smoking, sneaking around and lying!!!

[Mumofone74]

I need some advice re my 14 year old. He has always been a, really good kid, never given me any concerns. Just in the last six months I've found out he's been vaping with friends. I recently found a vape device in his bed, which he said wasn't his and he was "just looking after it for someone" As far as I knew he'd returned it to the owner but I still can smell vape fragrance in his room from time to time. I've also found cigarette filters in his room and he lied about those too, and he's also had permission to stay at a friend's house, and only that house, and then gone to a different house, one with very relaxed rules around drinking and boys and girls sharing the same sleeping space
He's very keen to know if I'm going out to the gym or anywhere each day and if I do go out he always needs to know how long I'll be.
I need to work out how to shut down the dishonest behaviour without pushing him to become even more sneaky and deceptive. Any thoughts?

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Mumofone74, welcome to ReachOut and thanks for sharing all of that with us here. It sure can be frightening to discover that our children have not be overly honest with us. I really do agree with what you said about it being a fine line - you want to address his behaviour but not push him further into being deceptive. Have you mentioned that you have found the device and can smell the fragrance? It really does sound like such a difficult situation to manage but we are here to let you know that you are not alone Our resources and referrals are Australian based and so may not be relevant to you, unfortunately. Nonetheless, you are very welcome on our forums and we are sure that other parents will reply soon with some support and insight.

[Stressedout123]

Hi @Mumofone74
I am in the Same boat at the moment. My daughter unfortunately has become even more secretive and sneaky about what she does as I have tried more and more to stop her. We’re at a point now where she is self harming and our issues have become even greater. I can only suggest that you don’t push too hard as it will as you said make him more deceptive and cunning when it comes to doing this stuff. What I get is that kids are going to do these things, as I did but allowing it just simply can’t be the solution. I am currently on a Journey to better myself as a parent so I can communicate better and have a little patience with my teen and get her some counselling or therapy but besides I don’t have any other solutions for you I’m sorry. Just here to tell you, that just by reaching out and trying to do something other than nothing means you’re doing a great job and I wish you all the best with your son. I’m holding onto the fact that this is a phase and they will pass through it. Hopefully still having a loving relationship with us for that matter.

[Bre-RO]

Hey @Stressedout123 

Thanks for stopping by on this thread to open up about what you're going through at the moment. It would be heartbreaking to see your daughter go through such tough times and especially the self-harm. Have the both of you spoken to a support person about this? 

Hope to hear back from you soon