dating, trust, tattoos and attitude with my 15 year old daughter

[Chaperones]

Hi Everyone,

You might be wondering why i put tattoos in my subject line,,,,, well it is a constant question i get asked from my 15 year old daughter, can i have one and a nose ring,,, the answer is always no, so apparently i'm not fair

That is the lighter and easier side to my questions in here.

My daughter broke our trust a year and a half ago by sending nudes online to some random person overseas, this is after all the information she had been given through school and with us. We took away the devices she had and didn't give them back for quite some time, when i did give her back a phone only when then had trouble with her chatting to a 18 year old, that bought a whole new set of problems with the parents of this boy calling her all the names under the sun as well as myself. Sooo the phone got taken away again.

Since she started high school she has not fitted in, and has chosen to mix with the wrong crowd, i have spent time and money on animal therapy, counseling, school counseling, family doctor, long chats etc,,,, She has now been taken out of main stream schooling as we found she has a learning difficulty, since moving to the new school she has met a 16 year old boy who seems to be trying to get his life in order by getting an apprenticeship and learning to control his anger (alarm bells for me) but i will stay optimistic.

I suppose i am worried if i dont give her some time out she will run away( she seems really happy at the moment) but i am also worried that she is starting something with the wrong boy and is it okay to let them go out together or should they be chaperoned ( i know old school!!!) and here i was never chaperoned.

I have bought up 2 other kids and not had the difficulties i am having now, so many dynamics have changed over the past 10 years.

[Breez-RO]

Hey there @Chaperones,

Wow I love how many things you have tried with your Daughter. Incredibly proactive, though I am sure at times very frustrating when you feel there are still big hurdles

I am sure the learning difficulty is a really concrete issue for her. Sometimes young people are more connected to other young people who are also experiencing pain, or in a difficult place. In fact this is the same with adults Have you managed to have a sit down chat with her about this young man? It's a hard balance not to sound too authoritative. Is there something you both enjoy doing together you could speak about this over? Maybe you'll get an insight into why she is drawn to him We're here to listen as much as you need It's a great community.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Chaperones

Welcome!

I totally agree with @Breez-RO.  Its such a hard balance.  I feel for you because I have a 15 year old daughter and the nose pierce ( I finally gave in) and tattoos- She has made some tiny ones like hearts on herself.  These are the normal teen behaviors.  Its the impulsive stuff like the pictures that get scarier.  I know boys are probably a great distraction for our daughters at least in their own eyes.  I know I felt that way when i was a teen.   

Maybe you can have that sit sown talk with her when you guys are out somewhere like a walk or lunch so you can get a feel for her personal boundaries and talk about the red flags with her.  

Honestly, I think chaperoning for the first while until you can get a sense of the boy is not a bad idea.  We are going through something similar and I told my daughter she can go see a movie with the boy but me and her little sister will be at a different movie at the same time.And I will be chauffeuring.

I have an adult son that I did not go through as many challenges raising him.  My 15 year old daughter is a whole new story that I was not prepared for.

[ash3826]

Hi! I'm not a parent, but I'm a 16 year old and maybe a teen's opinion will help. 

I can actually relate to your story, as almost the exact same thing happened to my friend when we were in grade 8/9. She sent nudes to random people, and was talking to guys way older than she was. Her dad found out, and obviously took away her phone. The thing was, he never bothered to find out WHY she had decided to send them. Her parents are divorced, and both of her older siblings are into hard drugs. The situation happened right after she contacted her mom for the first time in years, and invited her to our graduation ceremony. Her mom told her very bluntly that she had left for a reason, and couldn't care less that she was graduating. Obviously, she was crushed. She started acting out in class, and sending the pictures. The reason being that if her own mother couldn't tell her that she loved her, then she would get some random guy to tell her that she was beautiful, even if it meant exploiting herself. 

Over the years she continued to have problems with her dad. Because of her sibling's drug problems, he never allowed her to leave the house or go out with friends, because he was scared of her getting into them. Ironically, this is exactly what drove her to drugs. She hated her dad enough for what he was doing that she would do anything to get back at him for it. I've lost contact with her since then, but last I heard she had moved away to live with her cousins after getting caught with drugs at her school.

Your daughter might be dealing with self-esteem or confidence issues, because of the learning disorder. I know that for myself, dealing with my OCD had made me feel so stupid and embarrassed at times. Having a learning disability or mental illness of any kind isn't fun, and it can make you try to find reassurance in other places, which may or may not be healthy. 

Personally, I would say give her and the guy a chance. She's probably feeling good about it since the last time she talked to a guy it went so badly. Also, before punishing her for doing something, talk to her about why she did it and the possible reasons behind it.

[SMom6]

THANK YOU for sharing your insight as a teenager. It’s often difficult to get responses from our kids. Mine is very closed up and it’s very helpful to get a teen’s perspective.