daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

[Taylor-RO]

So truly happy for you that your daughter is safe and home @sunflowermom! What you have mentioned sounds like a really beautiful start to repairing the relationships within your family. I can only imagine how hard trust is to come by but hopefully open communication can smooth out any bumps in the road ahead. You have still allowed your daughter her own space as well as forgiveness which must be difficult to do. Please keep us updated but most of all, enjoy your retreat.

Thanks for your wonderful support @compassion, you offer some valuable insights. Feel free to make your own post if you feel comfortable or wish to do so 

[sunflowermom]

I thought everything would be so much less stressful now having her how.  But its still so scary.  She was up last night crying with panic attacks, shaking and sobbing.  Such a helpless moment that I cant relieve her pain.  Today she starts Trauma group.  I know she is scared but it was her idea to dive into it.

Still holding on- still feel like walking in a fog and on egg shells.

[Lan-RO]

Hi @sunflowermom you are doing an incredible job! I can only imagine how scary that must of been seeing her crying with panic attacks. It's great to hear that she is starting Trauma group tomorrow and that it was her idea to dive into it. That takes a lot of strength and courage. Stay strong, we are here for you 

[compassion]

@sunflowermom

Thank you for letting us know what is happening.  

Today, it's blustery and rainy where I live. If we knew each other 'in real life', I would invite you over for a cup of tea, and I would tell you that I hear your fear.  I get it... and I know you would do anything you could to lessen her pain and hurt, and to find a way to help her see all that is extraordinary, lovable, and unshakeably good about her.  

It's clear you've got grit, sunflowermom.  You've helped her find her way home and to a trauma group.  You've created a community--full of support, love and wisdom--for her to heal and, hopefully, renourish and rediscover herself.  You are walking alongside your daughter and, throughout all the stuff (the painful, scary, shocking-to-the-core messy stuff that you now know, but never imagined you would know), you have not left her side.

It's also so very clear that you and your daughter have a strong attachment and, please please, do not underestimate the importance of that.  You and I share many of the same experiences with our daughters, but the significant difference between us is that your daughter is still attached to you and still emotionally cleaves to you in a way that my daughter no longer does with us (I hope to regain that again...I thought our attachment was strong but it seemed to sever in a way that I could not have imagined).  In other words, you still have a relationship with your daughter where she trusts you, discloses to you, and allows you to comfort her.  You're so much in the midst of things that it may seem that 'relationship', in and of itself, is not firm enough ground to stand on. However, the relationship that still exists between you and your daughter is evidence that you embody unconditional love, dear sunflowermom. 

I hope you continue to update us and I hope hope hope that the trauma group is a place of healing and connection for your daughter. 

[sunflowermom]

Dear @compassion your words bring me so much comfort.  Thank you for bringing my attention back to the relationship my daughter and I share.  I have almost completely forgotten about the fact that we share a strong bond even though there has been so much trauma lately. Its truly something I am grateful for.

Thank you for all the sharing and loving thoughts you are writing to me.  My heart aches for you and the pain you are going through in your own journey.  Yet you still find the strength to comfort others.  You are such an amazing person- I am so glad you found me.  I hope you are also experiencing bits of healing in your own heart.  Hugs

[compassion]

@sunflowermom

Thank you for your words of support, as well.  Oh, how I wish we were meeting on a traveling forum, or a discussion board for the best/most cringeworthy 80's music, or some recipe sharing site for fudge brownies or something...but such is life and here we are.  I'm grateful to be in such good company. 

I hope the last 24 hours have had moments of hope and, perhaps, even levity.  Are you still planning on going away this weekend?

I have posted a message/call for words of wisdom/hope for calm on another board here.  I would appreciate your perspective if you find time to wander over there.  I don't know if I'm allowed to post the discussion title, but I've added to the discussion, "My 15 year old daughter has not come home in three weeks" (Moderators, please remove the previous sentence if I've broken a rule...?".

Safe travels, if you are heading out with the family. 

[compassion]

@sunflowermom

How are things, fellow mama?  

How is your daughter these days, and how are you?  I have been hoping that the trauma group has provided comfort, hope, and solace for her and for you. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @compassion

Thanks for checking in on me!  Things are on a huge upswing here.  Honestly, I am very surprised.  We continue going to Family group, and she is doing Trauma group with positive results and no push back from my daughter.  Our communication seems more open than ever.  I am trying to figure out why things are different- It could be her experience running away or her time spent in a residential treatment with girls trafficked- maybe she said to herself " my life is not so bad".  She is not on medication and has not been since she ran away.  She has always said it didn't help her anyway.  Even though the DR said "put her back on" I said "Nope, I stand by her decision to try to go without".Yesterday she  said  to me she was actually happy and her interaction with us show it.  She has phone privileges but I can grab the phone at any moment and look at it- and I do- and she is okay with it.  Its like we have found our own nitch to allow her privileges but with strings attached.  She  is also re-enrolled in school starting Tuesday- which is her idea. My husband and I have decided- she is going to legally be an adult in 2.5 years, our new goal is just to teach her as much as we can about being an adult and taking care of herself in this short time.  And let go of our idea of how we envision her life. Also, to give her a safe place to sleep knowing we always have her back even when she makes mistakes.

Today things are really good. I realize that could change tomorrow- but for now, I am not going to worry about that.

[compassion]

@sunflowermom

I'm sorry that it's taken me a bit to respond. I was so glad to read that there have been positive signs with your daughter.  How has her return to school been? Is this the same school she was in, or is it a different program? I hope she is safe and gaining confidence and esteem.  I so hope that our daughters get a sense of their own worth, and know that they're deserving of respect, care, and kindness. 

Thinking of you and your daughter.

[sunflowermom]

Dear @compassion

Thank you for checking in on me!

  She has returned to her old high school and it has gone pretty well.  She has a modified schedule only attending 5 periods and it has been working well for the most part.  We stay in touch with her school counselor and we feel very supported by the school.  I am so grateful for that.

I feel she is gaining some confidence and I see glimpses of progress daily.  She is even trying out for softball this winter!    Its a sport she has played all her life but when her depression and anxiety took over about a year and a half ago she dropped everything. So this is also a huge blessing.

My biggest concern currently is her smoking pot.  She does not hide this behavior from me but I am nervous about it getting out of control and becoming a crutch or an addiction.  I will continue to express m concerns to her.