daughter hostialized twice for suicidal intentions- im grieving

[Sister]

Hi @sunflowermom,

It was great to read your post and to know that things are going a lot better for your family. It must be a relief for you knowing that your daughters' self-harming has eased and that she is looking forward to returning to school. You've given a lot as her mum to help her get to where she is today and you deserve a big "congratulations".

I'm concerned for you that you may be doing too much by returning to full-time work. Is  your partner able to do paid work too? I understand, we need money to pay for expenses etc. but our inner wealth is so much more important. This has been my experience having dropped from once working two jobs to now managing on less money and one part-time job. But I know everyones experience is different.

In regards to your nervousness and worry over the past, mindfulness can help you with this. Living in the moment is a real practice and one that I try and do each day. Because, like you I get really concerned about my teenagers mental health....in all facets. I find when my thoughts drift to the past and future, I become aware of the unnecessary negative thinking and focus on the present moment by following my breathing in and out. I also have the following words written down....

"Worry is like sitting in a rocking chair. You keep moving but you never get anywhere".

[Sister]

Thanks for enquiring @sunflowermom.

My son is coming back to me this week after spending time out with relatives. It has been good for us both to have some time out from each other.

My biggest concern is (like you) thinking of the future and how he is going to be. His behaviour stirs up many emotions within myself too and I struggle sometimes with my reactions to his anger....namely in the form of his verbal abuse and swearing.

I try and practice mindfulness however does anyone else have any suggestions for how to deal with your teenagers swearing and yelling? I find it really difficult to deal with and even the thought triggers a lot of anxiety within myself. 

Thanks

[taokat]

Hey @sunflowermom, I'm actually going to start a thread about what's been going on with us, as it's been eventful! However I did want to acknowledge your nerves and the fact that you're finding it hard to accept that your daughter is healing, having just been floored by my daughter's slip up in her recovery. 

I think it's a protection mechanism in us as it's less of a drop if something does go off track. Because I needed my daughter's recovery for my own mental health I put all my eggs in one basket, not allowing room for the ups and downs of mental illness. 

My daughter's counsellor has advised me to keep my expectations low and to take each day at a time at the moment, so while I'm happy with the outcome we've had, I need to remain aware that there will be other crashes along the way, and not catastrophise in those times, but rather trust my daughter has this, and will get back on track as soon as she's able. 

It's usually a combination of things that begins the healing process, which makes sense as we're multi-faceted as human beings and it's usually not just one thing that causes us mental anguish. So don't feel bad about not being able to identify one thing. I think all the things you have mentioned have definitely played a part in your daughter's healing, and those are great pieces of advice to share with other parents! 

You're doing an awesome job and sharing your story helps others in ways we may not even realise. Just learning we're not alone in our struggles is a great support

[taokat]

I hear you @Sister - being abused and sworn at is very tough to take, often because it takes us back to an unhappy situation in our past. 

I had this very conversation with my daughter's counsellor last week! I know for me my daughter immediately triggers me, taking me back to her father when she becomes abusive and nasty (shark music playing right there!). Instead of seeing and hearing her, I see and hear him. 

The counsellor reminded me that my daughter is her own person - she's not me and she's not him - she's her. She suggested to me that in those times, I bring myself back by feeling my two feet standing on the floor and telling myself, this is my daughter, not him, this is my daughter, not him, this is my daughter, not him. She doesn't come with the same intent as her father did - she's NOT him. She is 15 year old daughter who loves and needs me.  

I'm a very visual person so I'm finding it's working for me, even if I have to repeat those words in my head 100 times!! But it will get easier with practice, like all the new parenting skills we learn along the way. 

I hope that gives you something to try, and hope more so that it can help you as it has me. 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @taokat and @Sister

Thank you for the kind words of support.  Sister- I feel the same way about when yelling or abusive words start getting tossed my way from my daughter.  Its so incredibly hard not to feel hurt. Taokat, I am totally going to try what you suggested....just keep repeating my daughter loves and needs me. I know my daughter does not mean what she says- she just needs an outlet for the anger.

Even though I thought things have been improving...and they have- we did have a major set back centered around self harm.  Last week I threw away some of her special things required for self harm.  This week she found out and has been struggling with it in such an extreme manner.  Actually morning the loss and has fits of anxiety at night.  She does calm down eventually but has taken to sleeping with me again and I have to medicate her since she goes into such a panic attack.  But I think we are working through.  It feels like steps forward and backward.  One day at a time.  Thanks to your support I don't feel so alone anymore.

[taokat]

Do you know @Sister and @sunflowermom what it is that triggers those emotions for you when your kids swear at you and abuse you? 

You're so right @sunflowermom, that they don't mean what they say, and we're their outlet. It's still not easy to cope with and it's ok to let them know that you feel hurt and upset by the way they're speaking to you.

I really feel for your daughter. Our brains are fickle sometimes, but I can kind of understand your daughter's reaction. Even if she wasn't using them they would've felt like her safety blanket. Not that I'm telling you to give anything back to her!! Unless it's an elastic band!

I gave up smoking nearly 11 months ago and have no intention of ever taking it up again - however I still have some in a packet in my drawer. The thought of them not being there gives me flutters of panic in my stomach! Weird.  

Have you looked at fidget quilts or weighted blankets at all? We were able to try different things at a residential support place years ago. Fidget quilts have various sensory fabrics and things to keep the fingers busy and the mind calm. Weighted blankets are my favourite though. They're quite thin but heavy and very calming to lie under. My daughter likes putty, and while she's squishing it between her fingers and playing with it it calms her and her speech is slower. (She can talk so fast she can't be understood, but doesn't recognise it. And I swear she could talk under water!)

You're such a loving mum and you're there for her and looking out for her. You're doing a wonderful job. It's not easy and takes a lot of love, patience and strength.

We're taking one day at a time at the moment too. The setbacks are tough and I need a bit of self protection to avoid big highs and lows. Trying not to have expectations I guess is what it is. 

Knowing we're not alone is massive. I'm glad you both found us and we've been able to support each other 

[sunflowermom]

Hi @taokat

I had never thought of a weighted blanket before!  That is a great idea!  Now I am looking into making one for her and trying it out before I buy a more expensive one. Maybe a project my daughter and I could try together.  

We are trying something new this week in regards to so many urges for self harm.  I got a Chinese medicine cupping kit yesterday.  We tried it last night and she did like the effect and said that she really had to stay in the moment while the cups where on.  I don't know where the cupping idea came from but I will keep you posted about long term success with that strategy.

I know when she yells at me it brings up past abuse I have endured- not from my daughter but from men in my past.  I know she is not them and I know she is sorry afterwards.  

I totally understand what you say about highs and lows and how important it is to keep expectations low.  I am going to try to follow that advise.  Hugs and wishing you a peaceful weekend!

[Sister]

Hi @taokat,

Thanks for the thought provoking question regarding our emotions in response to our kids hostility and swearing. I am still pondering on this so will get back to you when the answer(s) come to the surface.

@sunflowermom, I hope things are currently settled for your daughter.

[sunflowermom]

Hi @Sister

Things have settled a bit for us. Today is the first day she is trying to go back to school and an actual full day.  To say I am nervous is an understatement.  I will hold low expectations and be full on supportive.  I guess you don't know how to adjust if you don't just go with it and see what happens first. I am too tired to think up the "what if" scenarios.  So I have decided to just see what happens and go from there.  I am keeping an inner knowing that whatever happens,  it will somehow work out.....

I will check in and let everyone know how it went.

How are things going in your world?

[taokat]

Thank you @sunflowermom, we did have a peaceful weekend. I hope you guys did too! Keen to hear how things have gone with your daughter this week and how you are. Thinking of you!

I hadn't heard of weighted blankets before our residential stay, but loved it. That's a really good idea to make one to try first. I'm sure you could google to get an idea of the weight you need to replicate.

I'm keen to hear how the cupping goes. I've heard it can be really effective but haven't tried it myself. My daughter did a lot of research online and tapping was something she finds effective. These types of therapy's can be really effective for some people, so no harm in trying!

I think that's the thing with our kids abuse - it can take us back to the past which heightens our reaction I think. Our kids don't realise that they are triggering that, and that's not their fault. If we can separate those past feelings we can parent in the present. Sounds great hey, but not easily done. I'm loving the technique my daughter's counsellor gave me though - it does make it easier for me to disconnect my daughter from her father.