14 year old punishing father

[Jaybird7890]

My partner has a very close bond with his daughter despite being divorced from her mother for a long time. The parents including myself are friendly.

He spent a long time away from her (with me in a different country) and this was fine with all concerned.

On his return he failed to go straight to see his daughter as planned and instead went AWOL due to feeling guilty about not wanting to be back there. He loves his daughter very much and these feelings didn't include her but mental health issues muddied the water for him.

She refuses to speak or see him and it's been nearly a month now. She will only forgive him if he does as she says eg. Exercises every day, gets a good job and eats healthily. He is in a deep depression that is stopping him doing any of those things.

I am appalled at the conditional love daughter is demonstrating and feel Father should set boundaries here about he will live his life as HE chooses and that he loves her very much but build a relationship now based on respect and not to be controlled by the daughter. Mum backs daughter 100%.

I am staying out of it completely, not giving my opinion but remain friendly with his ex for when this eventually changes..... hopefully.

Father's mental health is declining rapidly as a result of being rejected from his daughter and I'm very concerned. Does anyone have any advice on how he can break this cycle and current situation?

Thankyou!

[Shiv-RO]

Hi @Jaybird7890 

I want to start by thanking you for your post and welcoming you to the online parent forum

This is a safe place to share and feel supported and I want you to know that the community is here for you. I also want you to be proud of yourself for sharing what has been happening for you recently, it can be a really challenging thing to do to share these experiences, especially when they relate to a loved one. 

From what I have read I can see that your partner may be going through a hard time at the moment, and that’s ok. I can also see that you care deeply for them and their well-being, and that’s amazing to see. 

 am curious to know if your partner has any other support right now, besides yourself, this can be other family members or friends, or it may be professional help such as a GP or counsellor? 

I am also curious as to how your partner feels in relation to his daughter’s refusal to speak to him and her list of needs? I wanted to provide you with a collection of articles Reachout has on communicating with your teen which you may find useful.

I am mindful of how you may be feeling about what’s been happening with your partner, from what I have read I can see that your partner hasn’t been 100% themselves lately and I’m wondering how that might be affecting you and your wellbeing?

When the people we love are going through hard times, we often want to support them as much as possible, which can be really beautiful and supportive to see. However, we often neglect our own boundaries and well-being, losing sight of looking after ourselves. By prioritising our own well-being we can be sure we are always there for the ones we love. 

Again, I want to thank you for sharing your experiences on the community forum, and please don’t be afraid to reach out to other supports you need. The community is here for you