Boy girl play date nightmare

[Trev937]

Hello. I am interested to hear other parents input on a parenting issue.

So my 9yr old daughter told me yesterday that her mother is going to drop her off at a boy from her class house for a play date. The huge problem i have is neither one of us know the parent or parents at all. My daughter doesn't even like this kid. I have expressed immense disapproval about this and have advised her I will intervene if she proceeds until some type of relationship and boundaries are established between parents of both children. She is under the impression she can do whatever she wants because she is the custodial parent on paper. Thoughts are greatly appreciated please

[Hannah-RO]

Hi @Trev937 

This situation sounds really tricky, sorry you are having to navigate this. Does your daughter want to go on the playdate? You said she doesn't like the other kid, I'm wondering if her mother knows about this and would still want to go through with the date if your daughter doesn't want to?

Some parents have agreements around who is allowed to be in their childs life, I understand you have expressed your disapproval, could it be possible to come to a compromise with your daughters mum about these boundaries? 

Its definitely a tough one but its great that you care so much about your daughter and her wellbeing, she is lucky to have you. 

[Birdwings]

Hi @Trev937 ,

I agree with Hannah that it's great that you're taking such an active interest in your daughter. My dad has been my her most of my life and h's been my absolute rock. I have a close friend who is divorced Dad and he really misses living under the same roof as his kids. 

My initial feeling is for this playdate to be cancelled until you can get on the same page. Is the fact that she's going to a boy's house the concern here? 

Also I don't understand why she is going on this playdate when she doesn't want to go. That speaks volumes to me. 

However, what I mainly wanted to respond to was what you said about neither you or your wife knowing this other family and that's been something which has concerned me and I've really tried to get to know the parents of my kids' friends. Of course, this has taken a real leap backwards this year thanks to Covid. My kids are now in high school and while the teens are all connected with each other across all sorts of platforms, us parents are in the dark. Somehow we need to become more connected at the very least to keep up with our kids during the teenage years. 

While you're on the subject or playdates with your daughter's mum, it might be an idea to address sleepovers. I've agreed with them for my kids and I've pretty much known their friends' parents as we've been living in the same house for 20 years. However, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and who else might be there. My best friend from childhood was a victim of incest and I only found out hen we were in our 30s. I used to stay over at their place regularly but nothing ever happened to me. However, I had noticed she had a fancy cubby house with a bed in it and it all fell into place. 

Yet, at the same time, your daughter needs to be able to have fun and socialise. 

At our school, they talked to the kids about private parts of your body where no one else is allowed to touch you. Maybe her mum could reinforce some of that education if you're concerned. Also that if she has a phone, she can always call you if she's not feeling safe, and you will pick her up. 

Anyway, these are just a few ideas as a fellow parent. 

Best wishes,

Birdwings