Help please - blended families

[conflictedmumma]

My partner has a 5 year old son with his ex. 

His ex unfortunately seems to use his son as a pawn and he has only seen his son two times this year.

My partner and I have two young children together - 2 & 1.

My partner spent a few hours with his son at my partners parents place over the weekend for a Christmas celebration as he won't get to see his son for Christmas.

My partner went to the lunch on his own and the younger kids and I stayed at home.

Over the years my partners ex has withdrawn visitations (not court ordered), been really friendly and nice one minute and then cut contact the next.

Am I wrong in not wanting my children to be caught up in the middle of this?

I really wish things were different and we could all have a relationship but I think things are too volatile and unstable. 

I am trying to protect my kids from getting to know their brother then only be able to see and hear from him a couple of times a year. I also don't want to have them happy and excited to see him and then have that withdrawn too.

Yes....there is more to the story, there always is but I don't want to make it a novel...and yes we have tried to go down the road of getting a court order in place but unfortunately that isn't possible right now either. I have tried to build a relationship with my partners ex before, for the sake of the kids only to have her stop messaging me and cut contact because I apparently said something she didn't agree with.

I just want to know am I the big mean ogre here or what should I do? We have said that we want my partner and his son to build a relationship first before building the relationship with the little ones too.

I need some serious advice please.

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @conflictedmumma , I am sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. It sounds like things have been tough for a while and the relationship between your partner and his ex is complicated. That must make things very tough for everyone involved. You mentioned earlier that the environment is unstable and volatile, so I just wanted to check in with you and ask whether you are concerned about your children's safety or the safety of your partners child?

I also just wanted to jump in and offer some support whilst waiting for support from other users. I am not sure whether you or your partner have heard of the support service "Parents Beyond Breakup" yet, but I think your partner might find them to be helpful. They are a service that supports parents experiencing trauma related to breakdown and separation. They offer various support groups and are linked with Dads In Distress, which offers confidential and professional support to fathers through their helpline. Their number is 1300 853 437 and here is a link to their website if you are interested.  Parentline is another service that you might find to be useful as they offer professional support to parents. You might find talking to one of the professionals about your concerns with your children and their needs to be quite helpful. Please feel free to update us here on the forums