My daughter is 18 and hates me and I have epilepsy how do I cope

[Veronica789 · Accepted solution]

My daughter is always angry with me and adores her dad when I sit and hear them laughing I don’t feel part of the family, I am waiting to have brain surgery in the next 12 months and I unfortunately turn to drink when I am stressing, it’s as if the rolls in the house are reversed she’s now my mum and won’t listen, talk or even want cuddles from me. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that I need to find a way to communicate with her but he won’t step in and say anything to her whilst she is behaving this way. I am scared that if I can’t get control of my relationship with my daughter I will not be ready for my operation and when I try to explain this it all gets blamed on my drinking, I don’t go out and if I do it’s a problem and argument with either my daughter or husband, I just know what to do

[Veronica789 · Accepted solution]

Hi, I’ve spoken to my doctor regarding this but I don’t have alternate options for medication so therefore waiting for my operation, they said my seizures would be worse if not on them,

I have been advised to do gardening, cooking go out meeting people not associated with alcohol, with my depression I feel I don’t have interested but told by my family it’s my choice and to decide

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Veronica789 and welcome to the online community! We're glad that you've reached out for some extra support.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like your daughter hates you, and that on top of that you're trying to manage epilepsy. Do you feel comfortable telling us a little bit more about what's going on with your daughter and how that's affecting you?

Sending you all the best, we're here to listen 

[Veronica789 · Accepted solution]

My daughter is always angry with me and adores her dad when I sit and hear them laughing I don’t feel part of the family, I am waiting to have brain surgery in the next 12 months and I unfortunately turn to drink when I am stressing, it’s as if the rolls in the house are reversed she’s now my mum and won’t listen, talk or even want cuddles from me. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that I need to find a way to communicate with her but he won’t step in and say anything to her whilst she is behaving this way. I am scared that if I can’t get control of my relationship with my daughter I will not be ready for my operation and when I try to explain this it all gets blamed on my drinking, I don’t go out and if I do it’s a problem and argument with either my daughter or husband, I just know what to do

[Veronica789]

Not sure if I did that correctly sorry as not success in my problems

[Courtney-RO]

Hi @Veronica789 thank you for getting back to us today and sharing more about what has been going on for you.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is always angry at you and that you don't feel like your a part of the family, that sounds like such a horrible to be in. No one deserves to feel like they are not a part of their own family. Do you mind me asking if this is a recent change or has it always been like this?

You mentioned that you had spoken to your husband about this before. Was he able to give you any ideas on how to communicate with her better? I'm also wondering if you have tried to talk to your daughter about this in a calm environment at all and expressed how hurt you are?

I can only imagine how all of this must feel, especially hearing that you are managing all of it on your own. Having to manage all of this, as well as the stress of an upcoming surgery is a lot to be dealing with. I was just wondering what kind of supports you have around you right now? Is there anyone that you might feel comfortable talking to about this whether it be a friend or a health professional?

Please remember that you're not alone and we're all here for you.

[Veronica789]

Hi thank you for getting back to me, this has been built up over the years since I developed epilepsy I have so many things that I have had to change, I’ve tried talking to my daughter about hard it is for me but am told that I am being selfish as I refuse to look after myself.

I have spoken to my husband and unfortunately staying at my mums for some clearing my head time as we’ve been married for 20 years and he says that it’s the lack of trust they both have in regards to my drinking, they don’t like me going out as are worried with my uncontrollable epilepsy but I argue I can’t live in the house all the time and it’s not fair, my daughter doesn’t help me with anything in the house and she’s achieved so much and am so proud of her. I feel like I am the one wrong or am I don’t know anymore but don’t want to lose what I have

Thank you and sorry 😢 just don’t know where to get help as I’ve tried self help through counselling and I can’t seem to get over this

[Portia_RO]

Hi @Veronica789 , I can hear how difficult and painful this whole journey has been for you. It sounds like you're doing the best you can right now, but that perhaps you're feeling judged by your daughter and husband for struggling to cope. It seems like they both care a lot about your wellbeing and that they hold some fears about your epilepsy when you are out of the house, but you're totally right - you can't be expected to stay at home all the time and put your life on pause for fear that something might happen.

You mentioned that your husband brought up the idea of trust with regard to your drinking. Can you think of anything that might help you to rebuild that trust? Is there anything specific that they need from you in order to feel like they can trust you again?

I'm sorry to hear that self-help hasn't been particularly useful for you. If you feel like it might be helpful for you to get some extra support, DrinkAware has some fantastic resources and support services in the UK that you could try. 

Please feel free to keep us updated @Veronica789 , you are not in this alone and we are here for you every step of the way 

[Veronica789]

I have been told by both of them that it’s the lies around my drinking and where I go sometimes, I’ve explained me being honest has caused more problems.

I went to harbour an alcoholic rehabilitation place for drinking and drugs I was seen and told on the both occasions it’s a coping mechanism, discussed looking at different coping mechanisms but as it’s hard for me to go out because they again won’t be happy and it will cause arguments especially with my daughter as she wants to go out at her age and I respect that, I have depression and always tired from side affects of my medication it’s hard to do anything but she won’t help, feeling like talking to brick wall in the nicest way of course as I do love her so much and I want to fix it so badly

[Iona_RO]

Hey @Veronica789 

Well done for getting support at the rehabilitation place, did you find your time there helpful? What other coping mechanisms did they suggest for you to try?

I can understand why you'd be feeling exhausted whilst dealing with everything that's going on at the moment, it's a lot. Are you able to get much rest? You mentioned that your medication makes you feel tired too, is that something you've let your GP know about?

[Veronica789 · Accepted solution]

Hi, I’ve spoken to my doctor regarding this but I don’t have alternate options for medication so therefore waiting for my operation, they said my seizures would be worse if not on them,

I have been advised to do gardening, cooking go out meeting people not associated with alcohol, with my depression I feel I don’t have interested but told by my family it’s my choice and to decide