Not crazy about school fundraiser

[EmilyJ]

Next week, my 13-year-old daughter is going to be participating in a fundraising event for our middle school band that I have been mildly dreading. My daughter is a rising 8th grader. She is a straight-A student who is active in sports, music, and ballet. 

Every three years, our middle school band program does a "pie throwing" fundraising event in the summer. On the last day of music camp, students get the chance to throw pies in the faces of their section leaders. Having seen this in the past, they go all out with pudding, whipped cream, and drizzled chocolate. The participants get covered from head to foot and it even gets smeared in their hair. 

My daughter, who plays first chair flute, has agreed to participate in this event. She told us that she is a little nervous but she thinks that it will be fun. My husband and I think that she is definitely old enough to make this kind of decision. 

As you can probably tell, I'm not crazy about the idea of my daughter getting pies thrown in her face. I find it kind of demeaning and disrespectful. I know that it is all in good fun and not really that big a deal.

But I wanted to pose the question to others, just to see if I'm crazy. How would you feel about your child getting a pie in the face? 

[EmilyJ · Accepted solution]

My daughter is doing fine after her wild and crazy event yesterday. Earlier in the day, she was feeling a little apprehensive, but when it was over she said that she would do it again. She received between 15 and 20 pies, so you can imagine what that was like. It was hard for me to watch, but it turned out OK. Thank you for all of your help!

[Portia_RO]

Hi @EmilyJ , thanks for reaching out! Sorry it has taken us so long to get back to you.

I can definitely understand your hesitation about letting your daughter get involved in the fundraising event at her school. While a pie-throwing contest does sound like it's intended as a bit of fun, I can see how this situation could make a young person feel pretty isolated and humiliated if they didn't feel as though they were in on the joke or if it seemed as though their peers were ganging up on them.

How is your daughter feeling about the event? You mentioned that she was a bit nervous, which is certainly understandable. Does she get along well with the other students at her school? It sounds like she's a great kid who is really getting involved and giving her best at school, so I know that sometimes tall poppy syndrome can rear its ugly head when someone is doing well.

It sounds like you're doing a great job of balancing your own expectations and fears for the event with your daughter's desire to get involved and give it a try. I'm sure she really appreciates you giving her the chance to make the choice for yourself, which can be such a hard thing to do when you're concerned that your teen might have a bad experience. Are parents able to attend the event? If your daughter doesn't end up enjoying the event, do you have any ideas on how you might support her afterwards? 

[EmilyJ]

Thank you for your helpful reply, Portia. This event is only a few days away and my daughter seems to be doing OK. We are lucky that the environment at school is good, and she will be doing this with many friends.

Parents can attend the event. It takes place after the students play a concert. I believe that, in the past, some parents have even paid for the opportunity to throw a pie in their child's face. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do that, but we'll see! 

I could see my daughter actually having fun doing this. But if she does feel embarrassed or humiliated afterwards, do you have any advice?

[Hannah_RO]

Hey @EmilyJ, it’s so great to hear that your daughter has a great school environment and is also taking part in the event with many of her friends! Having supportive friends around for events are always helpful to ease the nerves on the day, and they can make the event all the more fun. 

It’s also nice to hear that parents can attend the event and support the kids! Even if you decide not to take part in the pie-throwing event itself, I’m sure she will really appreciate you being there on the day to support her. How are you feeling about watching the pie-throwing event? 

Your worries about your daughter’s feelings during and after the event are completely understandable. I can see by reading your post that you are a caring parent who is sensitive to the emotions of your daughter, which I can imagine is very comforting for her. Nobody knows your daughter better than you, so I am curious to ask how you would usually support her when she’s feeling embarrassed or humiliated? 

We are here if you would like to continue chatting about your concerns leading up to the event or any that may come up after the event 

[EmilyJ · Accepted solution]

My daughter is doing fine after her wild and crazy event yesterday. Earlier in the day, she was feeling a little apprehensive, but when it was over she said that she would do it again. She received between 15 and 20 pies, so you can imagine what that was like. It was hard for me to watch, but it turned out OK. Thank you for all of your help!

[Hannah_RO]

Hey @EmilyJ, thanks for letting us know how the event went over the weekend. That sure is a lot of pies, I can see how that wouldn't have been easy for you to watch! Luckily it sounds like your daughter got some enjoyment out of it, even so that she is willing to do it again. 

We are glad to hear it all turned out OK. If you find yourself wishing to reach out to the forums again, please feel free! We are here.