Stealing

[littlecore]

My son, who is 14, has been stealing money from me. He has done this a number of times now, and a few weeks ago faked a robbery in his sister's room stealing money from her also. I also found out he was helping a kid ( once off I think) to sell some weed. I set consequences - finding jobs to pay back the money, also doing jobs around home every day for a month, no screen for a week and he's to come home straight from school. He has tried to a certain extent til I found he stole from me yet again. I'm unsure how to rejig the consequences. He is seeing a psychologist next week, has been once already.

[Mona-RO]

Hey @littlecore that's a really hard situation to be going through - and heartbreaking. It sounds like you've done the right things to discourage him from stealing from you but it looks like this is a bad habit he's finding hard to kick. Seeing a psychologist would be a good step in understanding and resolving the reasons for this behaviour. 

Have you asked him why he feels the need to steal money from his family members? Sometimes understanding the core reason for a certain behaviour can help with coming up with the right solution.

[taokat]

Hey @littlecore, this must be worrying for you and I feel for you going through this. It sounds like you've done an awesome job in teaching your son it's not okay to steal and there are consequences for his actions. 

I like @Mona-RO suggestion of asking him why he needs the money. It's a good place to start to begin to understand what's driving this behaviour in him.

ReachOut's parent coaching comes to mind as option to help you with the consequences. The coaching is flexible and works with you to find solutions to the issues your family is experiencing. It gave me some really practical ways to deal with my daughter, and I highly recommend it. The link's here if you'd like to look into it.

It's great that you have him seeing a counsellor, that can be so beneficial. I go in with my daughter to her counselling sessions which is good because I can raise my concerns, and we can be helped as a family. If you don't have the same setup, is it possible for you to have a chat with his counsellor to bring them up-tp-date?

[littlecore]

Thanks for your input!
He is stealing 'because he loves money and clothes' according to him. He has spent the money on clothes, food, and shouting his friends games and food. Yes I am in contact with his counsellor. Where I really get unsure is about consequences. This time I've decided not to let him go on a school camp, giving the reason that I can't be sure he can be trusted until he's had time to work on being trustworthy. I actually gave him a chance to go - if he took responsibility and started to behave in a good way - but he didn't - said he wouldn't go on camp . Now of course he's sorry and wants to be good and go. I'm freaking that it's too harsh to not let him go but worried that I've always been too lenient and this time I should keep my word.

[taokat]

Hey @littlecore, it's great you're in contact with his counsellor. Hopefully she can work with you on this issue as well. Do you think he could be trying to fit in or be popular by shouting his mates and having cool clothing? His reasons for wanting money are okay - but he has to earn it hey. I don't what area you're in, but some of the fast food outlets employ from age 14. Might be getting a job is something you could talk about with him? Do you think he'd be interested in having a part time job?

I was duped many times by my daughter promising 'she will', but only if she got now! Silly me - as soon as she got what she wanted there was no incentive for her to behave as she'd promised. I'd be interested to hear other parents thoughts, but I'd stick with your word.

I relate to that feeling of not wanting them to miss out, but he didn't keep up his end of the bargain, so ultimately it's been his choice not to go. The first time I stuck firm on something big like this I felt like a complete heel, but she earns her priveleges now, so it works to carry through. Remember that you gave him the choice to improve his behaviour and attend camp. It's okay to remind him of that, without getting into any back and forth. He may get angry or try to blame you, but stick firm and he will learn a really valuable lesson. I also learned that I needed to think about the consequences I set, and that they had to be something I could follow through with lol. 

Lacking confidence in some of our own parenting skills is something I think many parents can relate to, me included! It shows what a loving mum you are to reach out for help.