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[DavidB]

Hi 

My wife and I have 4 kids between us, 1 girl ,23 and 3 boys, 21, 24 and 26 resp. We lost our son 2 years ago to schizophrenia just before his 22 birthday.  We don't laugh too often I have to say.

I only really stress about parenting now with my youngest boy , 21 - he needs to get out of house and meet ppl.

I came to reach out with the hope/idea that I may find others with same dilemma and maybe help each other out with social planning .

Top Tip ? whoever knows please let me know. I don't know , but I guess you have to let them be themselves ( try not to nag too much - that's my flaw)

Weekends used to be good for fishing, now its a battle to see my sons. 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @DavidB and welcome to ReachOut Parents!

Thank you so much for having the courage to come online and introduce yourself- we know that it takes a tremendous amount of bravery to reach out and we hope you find this community is a safe space to share, be heard and connect with others  

I am so very sorry to hear you recently lost a son- I can't imagine the pain your family have faced these last few years  From our ReachOut family to yours, our hearts go out to you  

If you would be interested in sharing a bit more about yourself and your family, including some of the things you are looking for around social connection, you are more than welcome to start a post here where we can chat more about you. We know finding your way around a new forum space can be challenging, so please feel free to tag myself or @gina-Ro if you have any questions!

[htw70]

Hi everyone,

I joined due to concerns about my 16 year old and have been trying to watch him closely (in a non intrusive way I hope)..spends a lot of time in his room, not super social but has a few friends, has had periods of being very sad, avoiding school, friends etc. but we have seen a paediatrician for a health check.  All good but low in iron, which we are addressing.  he really doesn't like talking about anything personal; if I try to initiate it he tells me to leave the room....  The best way we can communicate is texting!  It's really hard to parent when your child is not a talker!!

I guess I just needed some support for me from other parents..

[Jay-RO]

Hey there @htw70 and welcome to the forums!

I'm glad to hear that physically your son is doing well, hopefully the low iron is fixed soon It can be hard to communicate with teens when they won't talk to you, I'm sure it's something a lot of parents can relate to. If you'd like, you can make a new thread about it over here so that other users are more likely to see the post and offer support, what do you think? 

[malik]

Hi your son's story is similar to mine. I grew up with a family of 10. My parents were very strict but very loving and gave the care that would afford much as we were poor. I was and I am still the most shy in the family. What caused it I have no idea. When I was between the age of 10-20 all I wanted was to be alone in my bedroom sometimes hide away in the yard I did all sorts of things that could make me stay way from people. Still happens now but as a matured man I have tried to find ways to blend with other people. I discovered that i do have one problem. The fear of being judged. I feel like if I open up to someone they will judge my opinion or the way I feel or my thoughts and ideas about life and the way I look things. So most of the time I keep things to myself. This has affected my relationship with friends, girlfriend and even family. May be your son is facing the same problem of -Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and scrutiny. Put another way, social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. If a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems fine when they are alone, then "social phobia" may be the problem. Read more about on google. Hope this will help. Am now 36 but still face the same problem

[htw70]

Thank you so much for your reply; I really appreciate your perspective as it helps me to understand my son.  He really has always been very shy and still finds it difficult to look people in the eye.  Being good at sport has helped as it has given him some confidence in himself.  I guess my biggest fear is that he won't be ok but your experience tells me it is possible so i feel better.  Thank you again for sharing!

[htw70]

I will do that! thanks for your reply

[Jay-RO]

Hi there @malik and welcome to the forums! How have you been recently? 

Thank you for sharing your story with us, living with social anxiety can be tough. I'm sure the feeling of being judged is something a lot of people can relate to. Do you have anyone around that you can turn to for support when the feelings are strong? 

Hey there @htw70, it's been awhile since we last heard from you. How are things with your son?

[htw70]

Hi, thanks for asking, it's been a rough week...everything was headed in a positive direction as we had engaged my son with one day a week at TAFE while having the other four days at school (he is in year 10) and that looked like a win win.  I found out on Tuesday that although he had set off for TAFE happily he never got there but instead turned around and spent the day at home (but didn't let me know) and couldn't explain why just said he "felt like **bleep**"and when I told him he couldn't go to soccer training (which he loves but I thought was a reasonable consequence of not telling me where he was etc.) he punched a hole in the wall (the second time he's done this now).  He hasn't spoken to me since which I can live with and I know in retrospect it probably would have been better for me to have let him go to training and have a run to get whatever it was out of his system but I was trying to teach him consequences i.e. sometimes you have to do the stuff you don't like eg school/TAFE before you do the things you don't like.  Wrong decision I think.  Anyway, I told him this morning that I love him and we need to have a chat about the hole in the wall and why that happened, and I would like an apology for the way he spoke to me etc.  We will see how it goes.

[malik]

Hi thanks for your concern. I think social anxiety is something one can live with. It never goes away. You only can get along with people who understand you. My advise to parents with kids that suffer from social anxiety is don't try to show the child that he's got a problem. Because when we find out that you know we are shy then it totally kills our self confidence. It escalates the problem. We tend get irritated very easily and if you insist on something the we get angry. Amazingly though most socially anxious people are very intelligent and don't like being asked about their private life. We expect you to understand that if we don't like something even if it's good for us don't force us or try giving advise. The most difficult person on earth is us. I am an example and am not proud of it. Advise your son but don't to be harsh or else he will run away from home simply because he won't feel comfortable around you. Be friendly and compliment where necessary don't give too much attention. Tell him where he's wrong but don't make it a big issue. We listen to what you say but it irritates us that moment and we understand later when we are by ourselves. It's hard to raise a child who suffers from social anxiety, takes patience.