Opinions please - sensitive subject

[Jagg64]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post so hope I've chosen the right board to post.

I'd like your opinion regarding the sensitive topic of paedophilia. Are we being unreasonable expecting my parents to tell us they had moved a paedophile in to live with them? My children, their grand children, were always at their house as it's walking distance. Since becoming aware of this we've been made feel we are unreasonable to expect my parents to be up front & simply tell us so we could monitor our childrens exposure to this relative, are we being unreasonable stating to them "You should have told us"?

Thanks for any responses as it's doing my head in being made feel "WE DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW".

[gina-Ro]

hi there @Jagg64, welcome to the RO parents forum! Sounds like you've come to the right place. 

This is such a tricky situation - and I can hear how much you care about your children's safety and wellbeing. With that in mind, it is not at all unreasonable that want to be aware of potential risks to their safety. 

It sounds like a potentially complex situation.. but the wellbeing of your kids has to come first.

Did I gather correctly that you've tried to have a conversation with your parents about this and it didn't go well? 

[Moggy3kids]

@Jagg64

Your children's safety and well being are paramount. If this person is a convicted offender then your only job is to keep them safe. I am sorry but it sounds like this may mean a rift with the grandparents. So hard for you but massive snaps for being aware and on the ball. 

[Jagg64]

Thanks for your reply gina-Ro,

Yes, you gathered correctly, once this was exposed we tried to discuss the situation amicably & respectfully...we were abused & told "Do you think he's going to touch your children"..."We were here to make sure he didn't"....problem is... little be known to them.. he was grooming our youngest child when they weren't around, such as cooking treats & delivering them to our door, coming over telling us how wonderful all our children were.... but the youngest is just special. This all occurred behind my parents back, when they weren't home, at the time we thought not a lot of it, he was just being the lovely newly divorced uncle, my uncle to be precise, his behaviour was the reason for his divorce....but in saying that I did have this uneasy feeling & I recalled something my mother had said about his daughters (my cousins) many many years prior when I was a teenager, his youngest daughter accused him of interference but it was apparently a "lie" & nothing ever came of it.... until later in life, hence divorce....I just thank god I never left him alone with our kids.

Many times our kids would just walk on over to Nan & Pop's place & the only one home was him...they didn't seem to understand that they can't monitor him 24/7....they also have absolutely no understanding of "Grooming".

In our view the only way to keep our children safe was to know, we would have put measures in place so the kids only went over when we knew my parents were home or we would go over with them & not be so carefree as we once were....his presence in the household was a game changer.

[Jagg64]

Thank you Moggy,

Unfortunately he was never convicted, his children never took it to court, it was too stressful for them apparently, I feel deeply for them as when they were young they were labelled liars....same ole story...the truth was only accepted into their later teens & adulthood.

Right you are, this has caused a major rift as my parents became extremely defensive. I was always very close to my parents but this made them turn uncharacteristically aggressive...we were beyond shocked at their responses when we broached the subject with them.....our concerns were minimized at every turn...we were being ridiculous in their eye's.

[Moggy3kids]

What a horrible situation for you alll . Your gut instinct as a mum is powerful. Hold your ground, even when it’s uneven. You are being a fantastic parent

[Moggy3kids]

What a horrible situation for you alll . Your gut instinct as a mum is powerful. Hold your ground, even when it’s uneven. You are being a fantastic parent

[Jagg64]

Oh the joy of growing up in a dysfunctional family, this issue has gone on for years now & not on our part, we spoke our truth, laid down our boundaries that were not well received or respected. In this time our youngest was dxed with ALL (leukaemia), she was 6 y/o, it was a lengthy lonely emotionally challenging time in our lives....Yes she is alive & well but the the late effects of years of treatment are ongoing....but enough of that!

They just can't seem to get over the fact that we had the audacity to confront the issue instead of applying the approved method of "Rug Sweeping", (notorious in their era....Ssshhhhh) my parents have conducted themselves differently towards us ever since...so we prefer to just stay away....it's too upsetting being constantly belittled in their company.

My father & the peadophile uncle have since both passed, so he is no longer a threat, but the issue is still alive & well.The reason I asked the question here was the issue was thrown in our face again just recently via abusive phone calls by the prodigal bipolar alcoholic family member who has just emerged after years of separation.

This person went on the attack big time, causing me/us to once again question our actions of truth & trusting that everything can be discussed amicably....why can't they just let it go & accept that they made a bad call in not enlightening us about the peadophile in our midst....We will never think that it was ok to leave us in the dark & exposing our children to this threat....if something had happened to our children who do you think our children will point the finger at....certainly not their grand parents.

It's reassuring others feel the same as us, that our children are the priority, validation somehow makes all these years of attack somewhat bearable, in standing our ground refusing to crumble under constant ongoing pressure...we are tired of being attacked by what has now become a family posse in pick up trucks that the sheriff summoned! 

[Jess1-RO]

Hi @Jagg64,

It sounds like you have been holding a lot with the dynamics between your extended family- I can imagine that must have been really hard for you . It is completely understandable that you did what you needed to do to keep your kids safe, and this is something I can see @Moggy3kids also commends you for 

You mentioned that this is still an ongoing issue with your family after your uncle passed away. I can feel through your writing how much emotion there is behind the words and just how much this experience has impacted you and your family. 

Do you have people you turn to to talk about all this? What are your supports like? 

[Jagg64]

Thank you Jess1-RO,

What I've shared thus far is only a snippet, there's so much more to this story of my life. I was the dutiful daughter all my life, overcompensating for the brother & sister's absence in our parents life, I was the "Go Too" saviour on all fronts for all of them, the cement keeping the family together, silent about mental illness, addiction, abuse, narcissism to keep the peace, I loved my family unconditionally although the brother & sister could take it or leave it, until after 40ty years I was no longer silent which hasn't gone down well..... I'm the ogre who lifted the rug.

Support...hmmm, there is no family support whatsoever, I was the support, I learned very early on in life there was never any support for me, they simply weren't capable of it. On the family front there is one ole Aunt hitting 80 who I can talk too but lives in another state. Friends have become my family, long term friends, thank god for them, they keep me sane & have supported me through some dark times, particularly throughout our daughters treatment & the peadophile issues. The family peadophile is not the only one to cross our path, there was also another community peadophile who was taken to task during our daughters treatment of which I was key witness...he got 10 years...sooooo could have done without that coming to a head whilst trying to save a life...doesn't sound like reality does it but unfortunately is fact.

There have been times I've contemplated talking to a psychologist, if only to cry my heart out & get it all off my chest, but when you're one wage down with mounting medical bills that support was/is beyond my/our reach. I've done much reading & research which has helped me understand the whole dynamics of this dysfunctional family....& it's not my fault...I refuse to go down the path of self blame...instead I acknowledge how **bleep** hard I have tried & all the effort I've put in over many years until I simply gave up...& moved on, problem is they chase me down trying to drag me back into my allocated family role....the doormat...I'm not entering into it which seems to aggravate & also seems they will stop at nothing.

But yes, I probably need professional support as sometimes friends are at a loss no matter how hard they try, they don't have the answers, it's also not something I speak about too often these days, as I'm trying to put it behind me but when the abusive calls start it freshens it all up again.