Verbal abuse and aggressive behaviour

[kevvy22]

My son has been a battle since he could walk ! He spent his childhood in time out for bad behaviour and has been constantly disciplined at school - most weeks he has afterschool detentions and has also been internally suspended on occasion. I have tried everything - he is having counselling - medication - mentors etc - he responds to nothing and nobody. I do everything I can for him yet everyday I am verbally abused and treated like rubbish. He has no respect for me and or my feelings and calls me all manner of hurtful things. No rules boundaries or punishments impact on him - they only make him hate me more. After 15 years of battle he still holds the upper hand and controls everyone's level of enjoyment of life. I am completely at a loss with why he is like this / my other children are also affected by his behaviour and foul language . He is unrepentant and full of negativity. I can't believe that I have a child who hates so much . It's unfathomable to me as he has so many people who have tried to help him . My strategy now is to just ignore the abuse as confrontation only escalates it. However on the inside it hurts me to hear it.

[Taylor-RO]

Hey @kevvy22,  I wanted to say thanks for sharing your story here with us. It sounds like a long time to have to deal with that behaviour. I am sorry to hear that all of this has been affecting yourself and your other children. It is incredibly difficult to delve into what is behind your son acting this way. Is this something you have been able to explore with a health professional? I noticed your reply on another thread and I am wondering if you have come across any helpful suggestions so far? We actually have a parent coaching program here which is direct 1-on-1 support which is tailored to your individual circumstances. Feel free to follow the link to check it out! Is there any support you currently receive from services or friends and family? It isn't easy to manage and keep all of this at bay, so it is important to look after yourself by doing things you still enjoy and addressing the impact all of this has had on you  How does the rest of your family cope with this behaviour?

[kevvy22]

Yes I am engaged in the program. It's very difficult to say if anything has helped. New challenges arise all the time. Yes he under the care of a paediatric doc and a counsellor to no avail - he is also medicated and has been since grade 2. I also have sought a mental health plan, counselling and treatment for anxiety due to this issue. I have done all manner of things and at this stage no success

[Faob_1]

Hi there. This sounds all too familiar. I have been through difficulties with my son who has just turned 16, for the past 18 months. 

I’m going to ask a few questions which I guess the answer to is no, as I think you would have mentioned them...does he have learning disorders, and does he use drugs?  If both of those are out of the equation then maybe it’s time for a few sit down chats, with perhaps a family friend to mediate for you. We used a talking stick as a strategy ..only the person holding the stick could talk. It helped.  We also found opening statements with “I feel.....when you say/do......” also helped. 

I understand how the aggressive behaviour is utterly soul destroying and has a shocking impact on family.  I’m afraid our story has ended with our son living elsewhere, on Centrelink allowance, barely attending school, but at least with people who are giving him the same message he got from us..sadly some kids think they’re made of Teflon and refuse to face the music. Is there any possibility he can spend 2-3 nights a week with other family members? The respite may be good for all of you. Or, can you explore supervised youth housing as an option? There are some organisations that run excellent youth housing programs. 

Please dont ever blame blame yourself for the choices your son is making. Do make the effort to spend quality time getting out and about with your other children. A bush walk for a couple hours, a trip to a bookshop...something to allow you all to decompress for a while.  If you can see a counsellor, then do so, even if it’s just to have a private bawl!  I know how verbal aggression can take its toll and hope you can find a crack in the teen armour he has constructed.  I did things like no longer do his washing...prepared meals for him as I had no idea where he was...so he lived on cereal quite a bit... but I had to find a way to stop pandering, enabling, and suffering. I hope you can to. 

[kevvy22]

The rest of the family doesn't cope well to be honest - siblings are stressed and I am always stressed. Outsiders don't understand and family are judgemental ( they would never have a child behave like this etc) I can honestly say I wouldn't have thought in a million years I'd be in this boat either - I am a teaching professional and have no issues with student management yet my son is uncontrollable. A complete contrast to my professional life.

[kevvy22]

Yes I have learnt to take time for me - I had to - I almost fell to pieces earlier in tbt year and the advice was to take time out. I have also learnt to allow the insults and comments to roll off my back - if I internalise them I'd fall apart. No he does not take drugs and he has no learning issues - I had him assessed for everything ! Like I said I have tried the lot 😌 I wished it was a learning issue so it could be addressed but no just attitudinal it seems.

[kevvy22]

I can't imagine mine will come out well either - he connects with no one

[Faob_1]

Oh well, welcome to the club! I’m a teacher as well, and have great rapport with my students! Which makes it all the more painful when your own child is so far out of control.

judgemental family members are a pain...only a couple of ours know anything like the truth.

can you explore alternative accommodation?  Our son flatly refused to accept our standards of behaviour in our home,  and after a particularly bad night I took steps to have him removed from the home. We have maintained contact and tied our best to keep him engaged at school, but to little avail. This is a kid who was a solid B student! 

[Faob_1]

Any chance you can just leave for school with other kids and not him if he’s not ready? If he doesn’t get there, it’s on him, not you.. our son has now been out of the house almost 6 months but we are still to blame when things like bureaucracy to get his L plates get in the way!
Welcome to the world kid! Honestly it’s easy to say, cut them off, cut them out...but harder to do. Especially I think, for mums, but please, for the sake of your other kids, hang in there. Find things to enjoy with them...if he ends up excluded from things, then he has to wear the consequences of his choices...

[Faob_1]

It’s absolukilling me inside that I have lost my lovely son, but at some point I had to take steps to protect myself, and my family both mentally and physically. It kills me even more when the people he lives with tell us how he says often how much he misses his Mum, and Dad, and he talks fondly of all the things we would do as a family. But when he sees or speaks to his Dad, it usually comes with an abusive tirade, and Dad comes away upset. We are in regular contact with school as year 11 looms and he’s failing all subjects bar one, and even that is a scrape through. He’s is La la land RE his future training /school options, and I can’t do a thing to get the message through to him that he has to make some changes. 

Hard line works for some...I don’t know if you feel it will work for you...but perhaps it’s time to put some options on the table beforyou have 6+ weeks of schholidays to cope with.