16 Year old with BPD getting into a rage every night after we have implemented no internet after 11

[enorman]

My DD has recently been diagnosed with BPD. She is commencing DBT therapy this week after 9 months of general therapy.  She will be starting year 11 in a few weeks after missing most of Year 10 due to depression and anxiety and what we now know is BPD.

She has got into a pattern of staying up on her phone and watching tv until 3 am then sleeping most of the day. In preparation for school starting in 2 weeks we have changed mobile providers to one that has the ability for us to turn data off and we switch off the internet.

Every night when the internet is turned off she gets in a rage.  She sits on our bed and talks loudly or plays music to stop us sleeping. Last night she kept leaving the fridge open so it beeps constantly and was banging a glass on the bench repeatedly. She screamed at me for 2 hours and slapped me in the face. We have recently built a new house and she was going around the house kicking and damaging the walls.

I eventually managed to quiet her down at 2am after my husband threatened to wipe her phone which shocked her to the point of rocking on the floor weeping. I dont know what to do, I strongly believe that she needs to learn to sleep at night and be able to wake up at 7am for school but she just tries to punish us and cannot be reasoned with. 

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @enorman,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. We are glad to hear that your daughter is seeking support and has an upcoming program. It sounds like you're doing your best to manage an incredibly difficult situation. It must be quite frightening and upsetting to witness her damaging property and to experience physical and verbal abuse. We are so sorry that you have to go through that, especially when you're only trying to prepare her for school. This might be something you have already tried but have you explored a bedtime routine and sleep hygiene with her? Have you offered to involve her in setting the terms? For example, it is a fact that she will need to adjust her bedtime behaviour to be up for school. When does she think is a reasonable time for her to switch off technology? It could be helpful to come up with a compromise. This could involve giving a 20 minute warning. This can help give teenagers a sense of control over things that are important to them. It also might help to explore alternative behaviours that she can use instead of social media. A lot of teenagers use social media to ease anxiety or other negative emotions, so she may need something to replace technology. This might explain why you see 'rage' when it is switched off.

Given how difficult this is, have you and your husband got any support for yourselves? If you ever need to chat, ParentLine is available. There are also some parenting programs in your area. You might not want to add something else to the mix right now or you might have tried them already but we thought we would include them just in case. 

Please feel welcome to keep us updated, we're here for you

[enorman]

Thank you for responding, I am feeling very alone right now when the conflict gets bad my DH escalates things and is unable to use strategies that our counsellor has recommended. I feel forced to protect her which just makes things worse.

I appreciate your comments about talking with her and coming up with a compromise. We tried to include her in the initial discussion, but she refused to engage giving us little choice.  I have been feeling like we need to stand our ground but it is making things worse. We are gettiing some support but the practical what to do is tricky when conflict erupts in a matter of seconds and escalates for hours. We need to learn some de-escalation strategies.

Thanks again

[Iona_RO]

Hi @enorman 

I can imagine that finding that balance of trying to protect your daughter whilst still looking after yourself would be a really difficult thing to do. It's really fantastic that you are reaching out for support so that you can both find ways to cope. 

We have a free one-on-one parent coaching service that might be good to check out. You can chat to them about potential de-esculation strategies and come up with an action plan together. 

You've mentioned that you have a counsellor, I'm wondering if that is for your daughter or also for yourself? Dealing with this distress in your family is understanably going to affect your wellbeing too, so it's really important that you have someone to talk to and get support from for yourself as well. Do you have any friends or family you can chat to when you're feeling alone?

[enorman]

Thank you,
I have booked coaching next Tuesday to talk through boundary setting. We are getting separate counselling too.