Borderline Personality Disorder

[Loveandhope]

Hello everyone,

I just found this forum today and have read other stories about parents dealing with BPD.  My son, 22, has BPD and it is absolutely unbearable.  He has been struggling since he was 15 and we have tried every possible thing to help and he is just getting worse.  I don't know how to continue or maybe I do.  He hates me more than anyone because he blames me for the direction his life has taken but the choices were all his and as much as I tried to jump in front of the train, mental illness has felled him.   And he has isolated himself from everyone that loves him and is left with only people who do not really care about him but are exploiting him.  How do you live a life with any happiness or meaning knowing that your beautiful boy is going to live a life of heartache, despair and misery and that you cannot save him?  How do you save someone who is hell bent on living a life that only causes pain?  I know - I have walked away many times.  But honestly, I am always there with him.  I am never really happy because I know how he suffers.  BPD is the worst mental illness because the person comes across as just an awful human being but no one would choose to live like that.  If I am with him, he destroys me.  If I am not, I wonder where and how he is and expect the phone to ring at any time with someone on the other end telling me my son is dead.  And that he died alone in misery.  Has anyone found a way to deal with this utter heartbreak?  I survive.  Most people would have no idea that behind my smiling face is just pure devastation.  Thank you for reading and any advice you might have.  

[Sophia-RO]

Hi @Loveandhope , glad to hear that you have found the forums and have been able to read some similar stories from other parents. I hope that you found them to be helpful! I am sorry to hear about what you have been through with your son. It sounds like things have been tough for a while and that you have been really supportive of your son and his needs. Seems like you care deeply about your son and want the best for him, which is really lovely. I am sorry to hear about how supporting your son has been impacting you. Sometimes supporting others can really take a toll on us. Do you have any supports around you that you can talk to about what you have been going through and how you are feeling?

[Loveandhope]

Hi @Sophia-RO .  Thank you for your response.  I do have some support - I have friends and a therapist. But after so much time, nothing really helps.  I feel like a burden to my friends because the stories of what he is going through are so bad and I feel like most people just want to enjoy life and not be burdened with sadness.  And this has been going on for so long.  I have moments with friends that are happy and we laugh and enjoy things but I feel like I am just really trying, but not really feeling it because I know my son is suffering so much and there is nothing I can do.  And I understand that.  Going to a therapist is just a waste of money for me.  I know exactly what to do.  I know how to survive with this pain, I know how to make things better.  I know all that.  But at the end of the day, no amount of yoga, meditation, communing with nature, talking with friends or a therapist changes the fact that my beautiful boy is out there somewhere, alone, cold, possibly on drugs, hungry - who knows?  Only his father and I seem to be able to comfort each other because we love him the most and no one else really understands how horrible BPD is.  My son is dying a slow death before my eyes and he won't let anyone help him.

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Loveandhope,

Thanks for sharing. What you are going through sounds incredibly tough and I can hear that you have been enduring it for a while now. I imagine that must be really exhausting and heartbreaking for you. It seems like you’ve tried many different things to help your son and to help yourself get through this.

It’s great that you have a support network but it also makes sense that this doesn’t take away from the pain you feel. It would be difficult to enjoy your life fully, knowing that your son might be having a really hard time somewhere out there. We are always here to listen if you ever want to chat

[Philippa-RO]

@Loveandhope I'm so sorry to hear of how much pain it's causing you trying to support your son and seeing him go through such a hard time.

I noticed you said that it feels like your friends don't really understand what you're going through, and I wondered if a support group with other carers of people who have BPD might be useful - what do you think? 
If so, NAMI or NEABPD could be helpful organisations to contact.

Thinking of you.