Managing in laws

[Survivor323]

I’m really struggling mentally at the moment. I have 3 children under 10 and do most of the parenting duties as my partner is busy studying and working a separate job. I also need to work full time but we have my in laws nearby who regularly care for the kids after school at our house when we’re working. While this arrangement works in a practical sense, emotionally it’s taking it’s toll. At times my MIL can lose control of her emotions leading to outbursts aimed at the kids and occasionally at me (but never at me when my partner is around). Today my middle child was causing her grief just before I walked in the door. She had just finished verbally berating him and when I walked in, my MIL yelled aggressively at me, randomly accusing me of letting the kids use their iPads whenever I’m home alone with them behind my partners back, and that’s why the kids don’t behave (note we only let the kids use devices on set days during the week and for some reason my kids only misbehave when my in laws are around). Anyway, the aggressive behaviour from MIL, while rare, really impacts me, not just emotionally but also physically (I get stomach aches from the stress). I never confront her, instead choosing to be the better person and ignore recognising that she’s probably just projecting stress. To exacerbate the issue, I’m afraid to tell my partner about their mum’s behaviour (my partner and their mum are super close, which is nice but also part of the problem). I know my partner will get defensive if I tell them what MIL did, and it will lead to an argument, so I never end up saying anything. I don’t know what to do. I feel suffocated by my in laws to the point where I regularly hide in my bedroom whenever they are at my home, which is usually 5-6 days a week from around 3-9pm (note they never leave when I get home from work, instead staying until the kids are asleep). I really need boundaries set but my partner plays everything down and is too busy for me to dump such ‘petty’ worries on them. It’s gotten to the point where I get bad cramps from the stress, which then take weeks to subside… In an ideal world my in laws would mind the kids at their house after school and we would pick them up after work. That seems more normal to me. But if I raise this suggestion then I’m the evil partner and child-in-law who won’t let them come over. Sorry to dump. This issue is nothing like the trauma many on here have experienced but I do worry that things could boil over if I don’t address this now.

[Bre-RO]

Hi there @Survivor323 

Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I wanted to say, first off, there is no need to apologise for venting to us. That's exactly what we're here for, and no one person's challenges are more important than the other. 

As you said, it's good to address things before they boil over, so good on you for being proactive about this. It must be so hard working full time, keeping a household running and, on top of all that, dealing with stomach cramps due to stress. 

It must be uncomfortable for you, and I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to worrying about your children and being aggressively yelled at yourself. But, if I can provide any reassurance, negotiating boundaries with grandparents who provide care is a common challenge for many parents. Can I ask if you've spoken to the children about the yelling?

It sounds like a big part of the stress you experience is also the complexity of raising your concerns with your partner - that must be so tough. I can imagine that compromising on the arrangement would make a difference - your need for space after work is not petty at all. 

I'm curious to know, are there times you and your partner could communicate about a challenging situation in a positive way? Reflecting on that, I wonder if there's anything about those times that could help with navigating a conversation about this situation? 

I'd like to share some resources that you might find helpful: 

• Relationships Australia could be a good support service to connect with. They offer counselling on all kinds of relationship dynamics. Maybe chatting with them will help you find the best way forward. 
• Parent Line might be a good helpline to call if you have a bad day and need someone to chat to. They have counsellors trained to support you with all aspects of parenting. 

Let us know what you think and if there's anything we can do to support you through this.