ODD in 15 year old

[ODDson]

Hi,

We need some advice.  Our 15 yo son has ADD and ODD.  He has recently started medication (only 5 days ago).  We are in isolation for COVID.  He got it first, and then it went though the family.  This also means that he got out of iso first.

Tonight he is at a party and wants to sleepover.  It is at a friends big brothers house (who is approx 30yo). We've never met him and have told our son he isn't allowed to stay over and that he'll be picked up by his friends mother when 2 of his friends are being picked up.  He has flat out refused and said that he is staying over whether we like it or not.  He did ask if he could stay over but refuses to accept our answer.  I can't leave iso to go and get him, I'm quite sure he'd hide or run anyway.  I've told him there will be a consequence if he doesn't come home as asked.  But what??  In the past we've locked away the playstation, this no longer has any impact, we've taken his door off the hinges, also no longer has an impact and only impacts out younger son who's sleep is impacted by the extra noise ( so last time our younger son slept in our room for a few days).  The impact his behaviour has on our family is exhausting, negative and very difficult to tolerate.

What is a good consequence to a 15yo not coming home at night?  I feel like he just wants to get away with anything and everything. I'm hoping he comes home and this is all unnecessary.

This COVID iso meant we had to cancel a holiday.  Luckily we were able to rebook it later in the year. My husband and I are already stressing that he'll simply refuse to come.  And what do we do then?  Not go ourselves??  Leave a difficult teenager alone in our house for a week??  

In a nutshell--> I need help with how to provide consequences to a teen with ODD. 

Kind Regards,

A tired Mum

[Kathleen_RO]

Hi @ODDson 

You are absolutely not alone.

We have a bunch of content about how to navigate family conflict which you might find helpful to take a look at. This page has videos and articles on how to support your teen through family conflict. We also have a one-on-one support service for parents which you can register for here. 

It is important to remember your son is turning into a young man, his hormones are through the roof, and his cognitive restructure is changing as his brain will develop right up until 26 years of age (25 for women). His body is also fueled with testosterone and as you mention, the disease he has managed with your help.

I am wondering firstly, is there anything the two of you enjoy doing together? Perhaps a shared experience where he doesn't feel like there's an agenda, such as - perhaps all going to a BBQ all together with your sons friends and there family. This might help with getting to know where your son will be going of an evening and and if he will be safe. 

Also, your self-care is very important in this situation, what are some things you could do for yourself after your Son has overstepped boundaries and disrespected you? Do you meditate, do yoga, enjoy baths etc? It is important during this period that you feel supported too.

[Nickynoo]

We have a teen son who is odd , adhd and autistic . He refuses any support or medication
Consequences just don’t seem to have any impact they actually makes things worse .
So I haven’t got much advice .

Just wanted you to know your not alone

but one thing I’m trying to do is focus on the small positive things he does , finding small moments of connection.
I’m Also trying to bring in more self care so I can cope with what’s happening atm .
Good luck

[Sophia-RO]

Hello @Nickynoo , sorry to hear about what you have been going through with your son lately. It sounds like things have been tough, so it is really great to see that you have tips that have been helping you through. It is also really awesome that you are here to share some of these tips and offer support to other users who may be going through similar experiences . You mentioned that you have been practicing some self-care, have you found any strategies/activities to be particularly helpful?

[ODDson]

Hi Kathleen_RO

Thank you so much for your reply.  Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Its really nice to know someone out there is listening and willing to help.

I will have a look at your resources.  Hopefully there is some pearls if wisdom in there that will help in our situation.  I really do feel like this is the beginning of him going "off the rails" and it breaks my heart.

I know and get along well with the parents of 2 of his friends, but the others in the group, the parents seem to be very absent and uninvolved. 

He has refused to come home again tonight when I went to give him a lift home.  He hid in the house.  I understand he's growing and changing but I never thought it would be like this and I worry to so very very much that he is going to make a terrible mistake that will effect the rest of his life.

I'm trying to have self care time and also trying to not let this effect our other children who are so lovely and kind.  It upsets them to see him doing this aswell.

I really do hope that he gets back on track once school goes back.  If he keeps on this track, he'll be expelled.

[ODDson]

Hi Nickynoo,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.  It sounds like a tough situation and that you are doing a really great job. I'm sure he feels very loved by you.  Do you find it hard when the positives might be very brief but issues may last hours?

I'm waiting here at home for him to come home and wondering if he actually will or not.  My husband says he has to hit rock bottom now.  We have honestly tried so hard with him and his behaviour every single day.  Parenting him has been exhausting relentless effort with little back.  He is now picking friends who are a bad influence and it scares me. 

Good luck

[Portia_RO]

Hi @ODDson ,

That sounds very stressful waiting at home and wondering whether or not he is going to walk through the door. Do you have concerns for his safety when he doesn't come home, or do you usually have some idea of where he might be? 

I'm very sorry to hear that the positives are brief while the issues last for hours. I can completely understand why you and your family might be feeling exhausted by the process of managing your son's behaviour - it can be pretty hard to hold onto hope sometimes. What keeps you going when things are tough? 

You mentioned that you're afraid that this might be the start of your son going off the rails. How do you think your son would respond to the idea of going to a psychologist or counsellor to help manage his behaviour? 

[herbertkulick]

It's important to remember your son is turning into a youthful man, his hormones are through the roof, and his cognitive restructure is changing as his brain will develop right up until 26 times of age (25 for women). His body is also fueled with testosterone and as you mention, the complaint he has managed with your help. I'm wondering originally, is there anything the two of you enjoy doing together? Maybe a participated experience where he does not feel like there is an docket, similar as- maybe all going to a BBQ each together with your sons musketeers and there family. This might help with getting to know where your son will be going of an evening and and if he'll be safe.