Do I invite my stepdaughter on holiday with us?

[Blended90]

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have a blended family. The oldest stepdaughter (14) lives with her mum full time but we see my other stepchildren regularly. Over the past few years (prior to stopping visitation altogether) my stepdaughter would abruptly stop seeing us and her mum would say it was because she doesn’t want to be around me, I single her out and ‘yell and scream’ at her. Whenever she would come back, she would tell us her mum constantly says bad things about us , which she believed.
My stepdaughter has left a notebook out detailing her hatred for me, with some very explicit language toward not only me but my mum (her Nan) too. She only wants to visit her dad if I leave and she believes that her dad has changed because of me. Her mum fuels this behaviour by allowing her to choose when she comes and provides a list of demands to follow should she decide to come, including not asking her questions, not talking about what has happened and not mentioning our feelings about it at all.
She recently came for her birthday, collected her gift, then left because I ‘ruined her birthday’ and I then received an abusive message from her mother.
She came on a family holiday for a few nights at the beginning of the year after not sleeping over for 12 months due to ‘feeling uncomfortable’ and not wanting to be around me.
She seems to only come for the good times, but refuses to acknowledge or talk about anything that has happened or why she won’t see us at any other time of the year.
We are planning a family holiday at the beginning of next year and my question is, would you still invite her?

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Blended90, thank you for sharing your story. This sounds like it must be quite a confusing, exhausting and upsetting experience for you. It seems that it has been difficult for you to try and improve this situation when there are a list of demands that prevent you from discussing anything. When your step daughter comes for the 'good times', what is it like? It is tough to know what to do in this situation, especially based off your previous experiences and interactions with your step daughter. Is this a decision you have discussed with your partner? What would be likely to happen in each possibility? (i.e. inviting her or not inviting her). I have asked this question on another thread, but I am wondering if you have any support to help you navigate this situation? I imagine it must take a toll on you after a while - being in a blended family definitely has its challenges.

[Blended90]

Thank you for responding. My stepdaughter is more than happy when she is here for birthdays, Christmas or family holidays. She then resorts to making things up and refusing visits afterwards. My partner and I often spend our time walking on eggshells and I am ridden with anxiety.
It seems that no matter what we do (invite her or not) my stepdaughter and her mum find something to cause chaos.
My partner and I are on the same page and we have lots of support from my family.
We usually move forward without discussing anything and continue showing her love and affection, and support, regardless of how she has treated us. But we are really fed up with the games. And I believe that continuing to give into their demands, and only have her here for the good times is enabling her behaviour, as she knows she can continue to treat us badly with zero consequences.

[Maddy-RO]

Hi @Blended90, and thanks for posting.

With knowing so little, it is hard to say whether you should or shouldn't invite her...It depends on what you and your partner want out of the situation...

You might want to try a problem-solving technique... so:

1) identify your goal, or the type of relationship you want with your step-daughter.

2) Consider the pros and cons of inviting her and not inviting her, and try and evaluate whether this would bring you closer or farther from your goal.

It might also be good for you and your partner to set some boundaries with the step-daughter, and to tell her you love her and want her company but will not accept x, y, z behaviours. This might be better coming from your partner instead of you, given that he's her father (correct me if I'm wrong but that's how I interpreted your post).

Please let us know how you go!