HELP with advice on narcissist's co-parent

[may1020]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half and I have seen him be nothing but an amazing dad to his children he's there for every event with the children but his ex-wife has been so difficult. She's turned the children against him and has even made accusations about me abusing the children which I've never or would never even think about hurting them. She's blasted him on social media calling him a dead beat and just does every possible thing to ruin his life and trigger him....any tips?

[Philippa-RO]

Hi @may1020 and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like your family is going through a really difficult time with the conflict with your partner's ex-wife. Sounds really stressful. 

Can I ask if there are court orders about shared custody? i.e. Does your partner have scheduled visits with his children? If so, would it be possible to minimise contact with his ex-wife and to go through a third party to arrange visits? 

It's not the same situation, but I had to share care of a child with a person in the past where there was conflict and I found it helped a lot not to have any direct contact with them - it all went through a third party. That way they could say whatever they liked about me, but I lived in blissful ignorance and it helped a lot.  

Obviously some situations are more complicated - but I'm wondering if it's an option to limit access to the things they say about you both and focus on strengthening the relationship with the kids?

If that's not possible and there has to be some interaction, there are some articles here on our website and here on the Raising Children Network that have some helpful tips for managing conflict with ex-partners. 

We're really glad you reached out here for support and we're here for you. 

[Blended90]

I am in this exact situation and my partner and I have been together for 6 years.
It doesn’t get any better. In fact, the closer you become with your partner, and the more you achieve your goals in life.. the more fuel to the fire.
Do lots of research on narcissists and empower yourself with knowledge. They will never change. But you can change how you respond to them!

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @Blended90, we are sorry to hear that this is an experience you can relate to. It can be such a difficult and exhausting situation to navigate, especially long term. It sounds like you have found ways to manage this siutation to ensure that you look after yourself as best as you can. We are wondering if you have any support to help you deal with this situation?

[StayingStrong]

Hi, I'm in the same situation. Been with my partner for 3 yrs, his daughter just turned 12, court orders in place since 2014, and the mother simply states "I don't give a **** what the court orders say or what the judge said" her physiological abuse on the little girl is shocking and she manipulates the court orders to her daughter without actually showing her the court orders. She does everything she can to continually abuse my partner and me and says how his daughter hates us and doesn't want to be around us. Yet everytime she is with us, we have a blast and we are a close knit little family. We have 50% shared custody, but can't continue with the text abuse and rubbish which she sends us all the time, she withholds her and it all emotionally impacts our relationship. We ignore all messages and don't respond and communication is only via text, and when you see all the messages my partners sends they are only about the child, school, appointments etc and hers to us at just constant abuse, how she keeps saying we're ruining the daughters life, where as its all her.... she questions the child about our relationship, what we are doing, she denigrate us to his daughter everything in breach of court orders.... it's just so frustrating, upsetting and it hurts to keep my mouth shut, because if I opened it I wouldn't stop on how she is the worst thing that's walked on this planet and she doesn't have the right to be a mother!! Sorry needed to vent after getting abusive text last night!! Court is our option to try and have orders updated to have police intervention, as mediation fails as she lies to mediators about the situation, which is so sad. She pushes her own agenda and not what is in the best interest of the child. Do u think contravention is the best way to go? How many times does she need to contravene and in what time frame? Thanks

[Hannah_RO]

Hi @StayingStrong, I am sorry to hear that you are finding yourself in a similar position. It sounds like you and your partner are going through a really tough time dealing with the conflict with your partner’s ex. It sounds really overwhelming. 

It seems like you have some questions around how to manage the conflict you and your partner are experiencing in a legal sense. It might be helpful to access a legal support service such as Women’s Legal Service QLD, where you can access free legal help or information on domestic violence/abuse and complex family law. 

It can feel really overwhelming when dealing with blended family conflict. I did also want to mention another service that may be helpful in terms of supporting you, 1800RESPECT is a counselling service that is available 24/7 to help you when you’re experiencing family abuse. 

I am really glad you have reached out for support, we are here for you. 

[tjmax]

Has anyone had any success with dealing with the boyfriends toxic ex.  I have the absolute same story ,and I hate to tell you it's been going on for close to 18 years.

Just finished 2 days of he'll with the 23 year old daughter sent on another mission from mom to create problems,  I am so done ,can't take anymore of the games

[tjmax]

I have been in the very identical situation and it's 18 years now.  Kids come to create problems to make mom happy it's the only way they bond.  I am at my wits end having a total breakdown. I can't find any solution, they do things in a way you can't involve police.  I have PTSD and they are a big cause of it.  If anyone has any answers please let me know.  

[tjmax]

Any solutions?

[Taylor-RO]

Hi @tjmax,

Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing and have been for such a long time. That must really take a toll on your well-being. It also sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and are feeling unsure about what to do next and have already tried some things. How have you tried to manage the situation with your boyfriend and his ex? How does your boyfriend manage the situation? It sounds like such a complex and challenging situation to be in. Given how difficult this is, I am wondering if you have any support at the moment? Whether that be from friends, family or services?

Just so you know, I have sent you through an email.