Hate My Home Situation

[LilBlue2]

I have been with my now husband since his son (we’ll call him Jack) was 2 and he will be 16 soon. My husband has full custody and Jack only saw his mom (we’ll call her Susan) on the weekends. Dealing with Susan has always been difficult and draining, and the relationship with Jack hasn’t been the easiest road because of her. I started feeling the way I do now at the start of the pandemic. I was 7 months pregnant and we were trying to be safe, so I wouldn’t get COVID, so Susan agreed it would be best to have Jack stay at our house to keep us safe. We were extremely grateful for that. After the baby was born, Jack spent the summer at Susan’s house to repay her time (and then some). Fast forward a month after school starts, baby is now 4 months old, and Jack has to be quarantined whenever he comes back from Susan’s. Susan knows he quarantines for the recommended time and agreed to it since they are not following CDC guidelines (wearing masks, having gatherings, etc). Susan and Jack create a plan to call DHS on my husband and I since Jack is “locked in his room”… which, he wasn’t. He had access to everything, we just requested that he wear a mask when outside of his room. DHS is called and luckily we found out prior just from me doing the routine parental thing of going through his phone, so at least we are prepared. The day comes and goes and my feelings have never been the same about my stepson; I’m hurt, angry, disappointed, and trust has been broken. Nothing came of the visit because we were doing nothing wrong and the DHS person said they would do the same in our position, but my heart breaks thinking about if we had someone different and they were having a bad day; my baby could have been taken away. Susan has taught Jack to lie about everything, so that was just the start of the horrible things to come. It’s been a very rough 2 years and I just wish I could get back to how I used to feel about Jack, but it’s hard. Recently Susan gave up all parental rights to Jack and it’s been horrible. Jack is with us 24/7 and it’s beyond draining. I don’t know how much longer I can live with him, but I love my husband and don’t want to ruin my marriage because of Jack.

[Bre-RO]

Hi, @LilBlue2 thank you for sharing this with us. I can imagine how stressful it was to receive a visit from the DHS and how unsettling it must be to process this situation with Jack and Susan. 

It sounds like there have been many changes in the past few years between COVID, pregnancy/adjusting to newborn life and navigating your relationship Jack. It's common for shifts in family dynamics to occur when a little one is born, and while it's tough, you're definitely not alone with the feelings you've had for the past two years. Understandably, you're protective of your and your baby's health at this time! 

I'm sorry to hear how the situation played out - I don't blame you for feeling hurt and betrayed. You mentioned it hasn't always been easy with Susan and Jack, but it also sounds like you thought differently about Jack in the past. Can I ask what has previously helped your family get through these bumps in the road? 

If you're comfortable sharing, I'm curious to know if you have people in your life that you can talk to about this stuff? It can be hard to talk about, but I can imagine it's also very hard holding it all in!

I thought it might help to share some links to resources and further support in case you're interested: 

• Raising Children Network is a support service for families, and they offer a range of content on just about everything to do with family/parenting life. They have this section on their website about blended families and stepfamilies. They have a video on communicating with ex-partners, negotiating family rules, + more.
• Stepfamilies Australia is another great support service to check out. 
• Relationships Australia is a counselling service specialising in navigating relationships and working closely with families. 

If you like, let us know how you go with those resources and if you need to chat some more. Also, just letting you know that we've edited parts of your post in line with our community guidelines. If you have any questions at all, please let us know.