Sounds like we are all in a world of pain that we certainly don't deserve to be in. You're right, it is definitely hard to see the positives. I too feel there aren't any. It must be so confusing to hear him telling hubby to bleep off in the morning and then ask about the gym in the evening. I understand that dropping at Yr9 is the last thing you want and must be so difficult to come to terms with when you only want the best for them, and you made the effort of getting him into the school he wants and now he won't even entertain the interview. So it's not specifically the school he's at, it seems to be school in general. Do you know what it is about school that bothers him? The teachers? The work? I guess not if he's not talking about it. Has he ever indicated anything he'd like to do in the future? If he likes gym, what about becoming a PT or even just working at a gym? You are doing an amazing job with having a plan in place and sticking to your guns with the money situation but still being supportive parents willing to work with him on what he'd like to do. I love your strength that you are not putting up with it anymore. I feel your pain with not knowing how much you can take because we are exactly the same. Our plan is speak kindly but clearly express 'talking like that is not okay' and 'we would like you home by xx' and if he doesn't adhere we won't react and reiterate that we expect you home by xx or to tidy your room or speak respectfully and he'll do what he wants which is far from ideal but if he asks for something, we will say, we're happy to do that but you also need to do something for us (eg be home on time, speak respectfully, bring down your plates). That's how life works. It's not one person taking and not giving. We'll see what happens. I think you have a great plan of expecting him to have a job by a certain date and then consequences come into play if he doesn't have one by then. Yes it will be a tough road but you've already shown him you mean business by cutting out the money. I'm guessing he'll push the boundaries to test the waters but will quickly get the message when he sees it happen. It's a great goal. It's clear and fair. I'm wondering if he gets to be part of the deadline date if that might give him some ownership of the goal too? Obviously you know him best and if that would be something to consider. I think we're in a worse space than we've been to date. He was very clear to let us know that he wants absolutely nothing to do with us and will be doing his own thing and we can throw him out if we don't like it. As mentioned we explained that we will not throw him out but we expect that he would behave like the adult he claims to be. When he turns 18 it's going to be a very different dialogue. The door will always be open for him to return home but we will not have him living under our roof if he can't follow the rules of our home. (namely, speaking and treating each other respectfully, communication, basic hygiene of himself and his room - this is not too much to ask). A girlfriend came over the other and was telling me about her son who's in Yr9 and getting into a bad crowd of kids. He knew they were up to no good and distanced himself from them and she said that when kids have too much freedom they don't know what to do with themselves and end up doing stupid s*** I think that's true but my husband and I discussed it after she left and when they don't respond to your curfews or requests, how do we have any say about how much freedom they have. He will just up and leave and run away and then again he has all the freedom too. Such a vicious circle. Why do some kids have a conscience yet my son doesn't! Hence there is something not connected in his brain to have no care factor about anyone other than himself. Yes, teenage years play a part in this, but we're not stupid to know that this is much more than that! I woke him up for school this morning and he just yelled at me. I just walked away. He is so angry and I know he'll go out tonight and on the weekend and make no contact and push the envelope by coming home even later and who knows what mischief he'll get into with drugs, alcohol and graffiti. We know his tag (he doesn't know we know) and we are horrified to see the work around. He has been caught before and promised he'd stop but that was short lived so he hides his stuff and I've told him if I find the cans I will be throwing them away. He is very angry and says that we don't support his passion. We explained that he is artistic and we are happy to find ways to support his creative flair if it was done legally and in places where it was permitted or joined some sort of 'legal' street art group we'd happily support him, but there is no way we can support illegal activity. He can not see our logic. Also the dangerous places he's put himself into to do it completely shocks us when we see where he does it. I really expect a hospital or police visit! I think there's two issues for hubby and I here; 1, the behaviour that he's displaying and choices he's making. - I can't get in my head that he thinks it's okay to break the law, that it's ok to treat people disrespectfully, that it's okay to expect us to do things for him but not do anything in return, that it's okay not to talk to us, that it's okay for him to say no to everything but him to go off his head if we say 'no', that it's okay for him to ask for favours but not follow simple house rules, that it's okay to take take take. 2, the sadness, disappointment and embarrassment we feel. - I know this sounds selfish because it's about us, but we long for the feeling of family, to feel proud of something he does. There's a real problem when we can't think of one thing to be proud of him about. I have repeatedly said, 'we're proud you have a part time job." And we are. Even though he constantly complains about the people there are all idiots and morons (his words are more expletive), he complains about the expectations (coming in the correct clothing, doing the work they ask) and can't give a single positive about it. Society, friends, people in general are quick to judge and I am impacted by the question, "Hows *** going?" I know it's just a question we all ask each other about our kids but I feel like a phony when I answer and divert from the question as quickly as possible. We have decided we are going out and we have a life together that we have to enjoy too. We can't just tread on egg shells everyday and worry about the wording of any of our sentences offending him. We are going to talk like we would to anyone. We recognise we can't go away on holidays or do other things at this point which I do resent but these are the cards we have been dealt so have to play them as best as we can. I am getting better at less worrying. (or maybe I'm just thinking that right now - we'll see) but my thoughts are that if he gets injured/hospitalised, beat up, brought in by the police then whatever happens occured through HIS choices and we'll just have to deal with it when it does. I can't keep worrying about it because he doesn't listen or care about anything we say so there's nothing we can do except offer him a supportive family home for the RIGHT choices. I'm so sorry about the anxiety it's causing you and hubby and us. We long for the positives and I have a positive. It's US! We continue to search for positives. We don't give up, we want to but we don't. We think of plans and ideas to support them. The positive is that these boys have amazing parents. There are lots of us around but there are also lots that wouldn't give a rats. So here's to us being able to live with our conscience, knowing that we are doing the best we can! As much as they break our hearts and crush our soul, we know we are good people trying the best we can. Oh my, this has taken me over an hour to write. oops! I want to say thank you for your support, advice, positivity and sharing your story. It really means the world to me that we've made this connection. I must admit I find it hard to write something sometimes as I overthink everything I write AND I still feel weirded out about it being on an open forum. Take care and do something nice for you! You and your hubby deserve it!!! xxx
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