Hi Jess1-RO, Thank you for checking on me. I feel like this support group is great and knowledgeable. I have not had any chance yet to implement some of the strategies that I wish I learned about before. I think I was always in denial that I have a Defiant teenager in the house and thought that with a raised voice, and some (obviously ineffective) punishment strategies I've got it. Come to find out this is not so. My daughter now got into a Shut-down mode and a silent treatment towards me. When we had our last fight, she yelled out that I will be "invisible" for her from now on. Looks like she is sticking to her threat. I have been trying to talk thru her closed door for the past several days, but unsuccessful. I offer her dinner, water, or snacks - silence. I then knock on the door (thinking she could be plugged in), and slightly touch the door handle. Immediately at that moment I hear her yell: "You dare to open that door!" "You will regret opening this door". I then say ok, and walk away. It has been very very difficult for me also because my husband is teamed up with her. He has always chose the easy path with her - just letting her do what she wants, not really checking or addressing if there were issues at school with grades, etc. At times she has been very mean to him as well, and he would "have enough of her", saying that he won't drive her around to friends' house, to her swim practices, if she keeps talking nasty to him. I always reminded her that she could not talk like this to her Dad. But he would never stand up for me. Now as she sees that he is on her side, they implemented a Silent treatment towards me. Basically they turned away from me. He doesn't speak with me either. I feel very lonely and helpless. My Mom also tells me that it is my job to have piece in the family at any cost to avoid my daughter getting more into a dark depression, etc. I feel the quilt and the blame that her mood, her shutting down, her anger, is what I caused by trying to help her (unfortunately with my nagging) to turn her homework on -time, to respond to the college coaches' calls, etc. I am such a failure and I am scared. I get up at 2.30am with my heart pounding and start reading tons of articles about how to improve the situation. The more I read, the more I realize how many mistakes I made: nagging, asking her to clean her room (instead of just picking up her clothes from the floor myself when she wasn't home), remining about the college process, asking to stay off the phone after 11pm, asking to follow up with the college swim coaches, suggesting she eats helthy, etc etc. I could have avoided this heart-ache for everyone if I just left her alone and let her live/do as she pleases. And this is where I get confused - how am I a good mom if I don't really get involved and care how and what she does? I don't know if I should continue to talk thru the closed door offering dinner, or just saying sth nice, and walk away when I get the regular "get out", "don't dare to come to my room". Or at this point, let it be as it is, leave her alone, and maybe some day she will come out of it and approaches me? Help, please.
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Oh wow,@taokat! Thank you! You would not believe how important it was for me to see your reply! I am so thankful. I really, really, needed to hear this. You perfectly touched upon every single issue I was confused about how to handle. For example: the abusive texts - most of the times I feel like I am having a heart attack (the heart is beating so fast, I am scared, anxious). And of course, as a defense mechanism I tend to send replies in the wave of the emotions. My replies turn into "how dare you", "you are grounded", "I will show you", etc. which only throws her off even more. Your advise to block for a say half a day - is a perfect solution I haven't thought about! I will definitely practice this. We don't have that much of a calm time any more but if we do at some point, I will ask how to better handle/ask that she just does the basic - pick up her clothes from the floor, etc. I am 100% guilty of unpredicted/unplanned consequences! Usually because I feel so hurt by the names I am being called and the abuse, I tend to punish with the most important and precious that is for her at the moment - like the long waited trip to Colorado. It's my reaction/defense to the verbal attack. I do realize I have to educate myself to keep it cool and not lose it. I am just so far away from mastering it and I am hoping it's not too late. I too started to focus more on what I like to do. I have recently got together with my girlfriends that I have not seen in 4 years! We went to dinner and a movie and Life looked fabulous to me again...of course, until I stepped into the house with an angry teenager, who was complaining about the food I cooked earlier. But again, just like I exercise in the gym every day, I will exercise the skill of thoughtful and controlled response. God be with me on this - as this will be hardest challenge in my life! Thank you so much! w/love Ilona
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Hi, I am in the same position. My daughter is 16 years old. I have been called names, I hear "I hate you" about 20 times verbally and in Text. I have been receiving text messages such as "you suck at everything", "you are the most horrible mother", "get out of the house", "go back to your Russia" (I am not from Russia, but Eastern Europe). This all I get because I "am nagging" by asking to clean up her room, take a dirty dish into the dishwasher, asking if she checked her school e-mails. I have to repeat the same at least 50 times, and then there is a moment when I raise my voice and say that there will be consequences. I promised she would go on a trip to Colorado with her swim team, only if I don't hear "I hate you" any more. After that, there were at least 100 times "I hate you". I then said that I will cancel the trip because she did not stick to what I asked her. I was called an abusive mother, I was told that she knew she wouldn't go. I am just t trying to enforce the consequences for disrespect. My husband is teaming up with her, as he doesn't like the confrontation. I cover all the bills and my daughter goes to a expensive private school, that I pay for. I feel very lonely and afraid. She threatens to run away when I reply verbally back (unfortunately by then it's yelling) to the offensive words that she sends my way. I am such a failure because I too get emotional to her disrespect, mean attitude, smirking and just hating me. She hates anything I do. She is mimicking how I talk with a visible disgust and makes faces with her Dad in how ridiculous I am. I want to move out and live separately, as I have been trying to improve the situation for the past 2 years and it is only getting worse... I get constant headaches, anxiety, and my hands are shaking every time I see a text message from her. Help!
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