Hi Jess1-RO, Thank you for checking on me. I feel like this support group is great and knowledgeable. I have not had any chance yet to implement some of the strategies that I wish I learned about before. I think I was always in denial that I have a Defiant teenager in the house and thought that with a raised voice, and some (obviously ineffective) punishment strategies I've got it. Come to find out this is not so. My daughter now got into a Shut-down mode and a silent treatment towards me. When we had our last fight, she yelled out that I will be "invisible" for her from now on. Looks like she is sticking to her threat. I have been trying to talk thru her closed door for the past several days, but unsuccessful. I offer her dinner, water, or snacks - silence. I then knock on the door (thinking she could be plugged in), and slightly touch the door handle. Immediately at that moment I hear her yell: "You dare to open that door!" "You will regret opening this door". I then say ok, and walk away. It has been very very difficult for me also because my husband is teamed up with her. He has always chose the easy path with her - just letting her do what she wants, not really checking or addressing if there were issues at school with grades, etc. At times she has been very mean to him as well, and he would "have enough of her", saying that he won't drive her around to friends' house, to her swim practices, if she keeps talking nasty to him. I always reminded her that she could not talk like this to her Dad. But he would never stand up for me. Now as she sees that he is on her side, they implemented a Silent treatment towards me. Basically they turned away from me. He doesn't speak with me either. I feel very lonely and helpless. My Mom also tells me that it is my job to have piece in the family at any cost to avoid my daughter getting more into a dark depression, etc. I feel the quilt and the blame that her mood, her shutting down, her anger, is what I caused by trying to help her (unfortunately with my nagging) to turn her homework on -time, to respond to the college coaches' calls, etc. I am such a failure and I am scared. I get up at 2.30am with my heart pounding and start reading tons of articles about how to improve the situation. The more I read, the more I realize how many mistakes I made: nagging, asking her to clean her room (instead of just picking up her clothes from the floor myself when she wasn't home), remining about the college process, asking to stay off the phone after 11pm, asking to follow up with the college swim coaches, suggesting she eats helthy, etc etc. I could have avoided this heart-ache for everyone if I just left her alone and let her live/do as she pleases. And this is where I get confused - how am I a good mom if I don't really get involved and care how and what she does? I don't know if I should continue to talk thru the closed door offering dinner, or just saying sth nice, and walk away when I get the regular "get out", "don't dare to come to my room". Or at this point, let it be as it is, leave her alone, and maybe some day she will come out of it and approaches me? Help, please.
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